*ahem* Robert the Bruce is a national hero who secured Scotland’s independence. First
of all, he had a childhood, it was whatever, and then-
[intro]
March 19, 1286. King Alexander III, whom you might vaguely recall from the Haakon IV video
as a king who existed, is dead. His only heir is his three-year-old granddaughter, who was
also the daughter of the king of Norway and married to the crown prince of England, it
was beginning to look like the band was getting back together! Then she died. And now, well,
there was no obvious successor, and a lot of people had a claim to the throne. The council
who was ruling the kingdom on the queen’s behalf decide in order to prevent civil war
that they need a third party to weigh in, someone totally divorced from the situation
with no interest in Scottish politics.
Lord 2: “Like the Pope?” Lord 1: “I was thinking more like the king
of England” Lord 2: “Yeah right, that’s like asking:”
“Excuse me, Herr Hitler, could you help us choose the next Polish president?”
“Excuse me, Monsieur Napoleon, could you help us choose the next king of Spain?”
Lord 1: “That one actually happened.” Lord 2: “No, there’s no way we-”
[Smash cut: LONDON, 1291]
Edward: “Why I would would be positively delighted to help you pick your king! But
first, I need you to recognize me as the feudal overlord of your new king”
Scottish lord 1: “On what legal grounds?” Edward: “On the grounds that you don’t
have any grounds that I’m not the supreme overlord of Scotland”
Scottish lord 2: “Should’ve gone with the Pope.”
Scottish lord 1: “Well, you know, we all feel that you would make a great overlord,
but without a king to speak for us, I just don’t think any of us have the kind of authority
to make it official!” Edward: “Oh very well. Bring in the contestants!”
Edward: “Oh we’re going to be here all day, couldn’t you at least narrow it down
first?”
Edward: “Who’s this one?” Joe Schmoe: “Hi, the name’s Lord Schmoe,
first name Joe, I’m a Lord” John Balliol: “Never seen this man before
in my life - wait what’s that yellow bar?” Joe Schmoe: “Well you see, I’m ⅛ Scottish,
on my Dad’s side, and he can trace his roots all the way back to Macbeth you know-”
Grandpa Bruce: “I think he’s an American?” Joe Schmoe: “I wanted to throw my hat in
the ring so my girlfriend made it official and bought me a plot of land in the Scottish
wilderness, which according to tradition means I’m officially a lord!”
Edward: “Is this a real thing?” Joe Schmoe: “Real thing! Look I even got
it printed on my credit card. It was a birthday present from Established Titles-”
Hastings: “Oh my God I think we’re in an ad”
Joe Schmoe: “They even sent me a framed certificate with my unique plot number so
I can find the exact location of my realm. Isn’t she beautiful? And every purchase
not only makes you a lord or a lady, but also plants a tree, so I think that makes me the
most caring option to be your king” [rumbling]
Grandpa Bruce: “What is that?” [a bunch more Americans crash through the
door] Americans: “No I’m the king! I’m a lady!
Make me Queen! I’m the king, and so’s my wife!”
Edward: “Where are they all coming from?!” Joe Schmoe: “Oh yeah, and I may have told
some of my friends that if they follow the link in the description they can get 10% off”
Hastings: “Is that a cat?” American woman: “Isn’t my little Lord
Snufkin adorable?” Edward: “Okay, everyone who isn’t from
the 13th century out! Out!” Americans: “Aw…”
Edward: “Except the cat. He stays.” Edward: “Okay, you you and you. Names and
elevator pitches, go.” John Balliol: “My name is John Balliol,
I’m the senior most man in the family by primogeniture”
Grandpa Bruce: “My name is Robert the Bruce, but everyone calls me Grandpa Bruce because
the famous one is my grandson.” Edward: “Get on with it”
Grandpa Bruce: “I’m a generation above him so I’m closer related to Margaret”
Edward: “Next.” Hastings: “I’m John Hastings, I think
we should divide Scotland into pieces proportional to-”
Edward: “Absolutely not. Balliol gets the kingdom.”
Big surprise, Edward treats Balliol like his vassal, makes him pay tribute, decides legal
matters for him, and then the last straw finally came when he ordered the Scottish to be drafted
into a war against the French. Balliol refused and entered into an alliance with France instead
because he realized both of their nations were built on the same uncompromising cornerstone
of hating the English.
Edward invades Scotland in response. Sweeps in, captures John Balliol, puts an Englishman
in charge of the whole operation. But the Scots won’t stand for it. This is the part
where William Wallace was making a name for himself as guardian of Scotland and a hotshot
military commander, and now we can finally talk about Robert the Bruce. He and his dad
Papa Bruce had pledged their unwavering loyalty to England, and then on the road to go campaign
against the rebels Rob changed his mind and pledged his unwavering loyalty to Scotland.
Well Wallace loses a big battle because the English have better bows, he resigns from
leadership in 1298 and Robby takes the reigns. But he does so alongside a man named John
Comyn, and he remembers John Comyn. The first time they’d met was when the Bruces were
still loyal to England and the Comyns attacked their ancestral home:
Various: “Hulloo Bruce, Hoo’s it gaun Bruce? No bad, hou’s yersel’ Bruce? Lang
time nae see Bruce!” [siege engines break open the gates, Bruces scream]
You couldn’t make one of them the guardian without upsetting the other so you needed
two guardians. But they hated each other so much they wouldn’t agree on anything, so
you needed a neutral third guardian.
Lord 1: “Like the King of England? Ow! …Like the Pope?”
Bruce & Comyn: “I could settle for clergy”
But then in 1302, Bruce switches sides again! Partly because it looked like Edward was about
to win the war, partly just to make life difficult for the Comyns. They wanted to get John Balliol
back on the throne since he got out of prison, but lest we forget Bruce still had his own
claim.
Because a few years later, Edward does win, and everyone in Scotland submits to him except
for William Wallace but he doesn’t matter anymore. But Bruce appears to be biding his
time until King Edward kicks the bucket, at which point he’ll be ready to begin a new
rebellion with himself as the king of Scotland. He even made a deal with John Comyn saying
that if Comyn would give up his personal claim to the throne, that he could have all of the
Bruce’s lands when Rob became king. And Comyn immediately tells on him to King Edward.
Ol’ Bobby Bruce escapes England, but it looks like it’s now or never on that whole
rebellion thing. But first he stops by a chapel and murders John Comyn. He was now on Edward’s
bad side, half of Scotland wanted him dead, and even the Pope got involved to excommunicate
him. So why not name yourself king and go for broke?
His attempts to meet the English in open battle were not successful. He stopped outside of
a town named Perth and asked the army holed up inside if they would politely come out
and have a fight, but they told him “Oh it’s a bit late y’know, sun’s nearly
down, we were gonna curl up watch Numberwang on the tele before bed, can we do it tomorrow?”
“Right, I’ll be out here if you need me”. And the English ran through his camp overnight
and killed a bunch of people.
His family was captured a few months later, and he spent that winter hiding on a cold
and rocky isle. But before he could die in obscurity, the spring came, he managed one
good battle against the English, and then King Eddy Longshanks dies and is replaced
by Edward II, who has to attend to securing his own power in England. Robert takes the
time to crush the Comyns, and then he figures out the one simple trick to recapture the
south, and you’d better believe the English hated him for it.
You see the English had a tendency to win in open battles, what with their improved
technology and larger population and not having their kingdom in a prolonged state of turmoil
in the absence of a clear leader. But every winter, they leave just a few men in all the
castles they’ve taken and the rest of the army goes back home, cuz it’s a bit chilly
innit. So? Bob refuses to fight them in open combat. He and his men take to to the hills,
wage guerilla warfare, and then come out in the winter and start capturing English-held
castles. By 1314, there was one important stronghold
left to take, Stirling Castle. The Scottish lay siege, the defenders give Bruce a timeline
for their surrender, said if no one shows up by the 24th they’re game to let the Scottish
in. Edward II sends a large relief force to break the siege, and he finds a force of Scottish
Pikemen blocking the road. Before they come to blows, an English knight challenges the
Bruce, Bobby B if you will, to single combat. Brucey splits his head open with an axe.
The English cavalry commander sees his nephew breaking Bruce’s favorite axe with his skull
and charges forwards in anger, when suddenly his men start disappearing, tumbling into
spiked pits, Bruce just turned the Scottish Lowlands into Vietnam. The Scottish pikemen
push back the English, but now they’re in an open field.
Edward II: “What are they, suicidal?” Gloucester: “Your majesty, they may know
something we don’t, perhaps we should postpone our engagement -”
Edward II: “Ooh, I don’t want to fight the scary Scots, they’ve got pointed sticks,
ooh~!” Gloucester: “All right. We do it your way.
CHAAAAAARGE!” The Earl of Gloucester and his men ran straight
into the Scots and their pointed sticks. The Scots continue moving forward, pressing the
English against the river: Edward II: “Aha! That formation is only
good for defense, they can’t march like that! CHAAAAAARGE!”
And the English impaled themselves on a bunch of spears for a third time.
With no more space between the Scots and the river, the English begin to break rank and
scatter. King Edward was desperately escorted away from the battlefield… and then his
escort resolved not to be a coward, ran back into battle, got surrounded, and stabbed to
death by a bunch of spears. He tried hiding in Stirling Castle, but:
Mowbray: “No good your majesty, we’re set to surrender in about… five hours”
Eventually he got to the coast and sailed back to England. From this point forth, the
tide had been turned, and it was the Scottish who were invading England for the next 14
years, until Edward II was deposed by his wife and replaced by Edward III. In May 1328
Edward III renounced all claims to Scotland, and in October the Pope called to let Robert
know that he was re-communicated, and that killing a guy inside a church was all water
under the bridge. Perfect timing because ended up getting his last rites in 1329, after getting
pretty much all he wanted out of life. Good on ya lad.