-Welcome everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching at home.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I am so excited about this.
Super Bowl champion Travis Kelce is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ] Yes!
We didn't invite him.
After yesterday's parade in Kansas City,
he just woke up here. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news.
This morning, President Biden went to Walter Reed
for his annual physical exam.
And let's just say Vice President Harris seemed a little
too eager to hear the results.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's never good when the doctor examining you is like,
"I don't know if they even make these parts anymore."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the exam was going great until Biden confused
the eye chart for a teleprompter.
He was like -- [ Speaking gibberish ]
[ Laughter ]
The White House said Biden's exam took three hours.
[ Audience oohs ]
It's never good when your physical has an intermission.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Nothing says peak physical condition like a doctor's visit
with the same running time as "Avatar 2."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Today Biden had his physical,
and while the doctors are very thorough,
I wanted to ask some follow-up questions myself.
So, if you don't mind.
Mr. President, before we get started, please turn and cough.
-[ Coughs ]
[ Laughter ] -Okay.
And just so I'm up to date here, when were you born?
-1863.
-Okay. That's good. [ Laughter ]
Now, how many times per night do you get up to use the bathroom?
-Somewhere between 700 billion
and a trillion, 300 million -- billion.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. Answer yes or no to the following.
Do you vape, drink, do edibles, 'shrooms, or hookah?
-The answer is yes, no, yes, yes, no.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Real quick, remind me what your doctor
said after your last colonoscopy.
-There is light at the end of this dark tunnel.
-Okay, thank God. That's good, thank you.
Now, finally, Mr. President,
can you hop on this bike so we can do a routine stress test?
Alright. Never mind. Thank you very much, Mr. President.
You can go home now. Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, Nikki Haley
just kicked off her presidential campaign.
And in her first speech, she called for politicians
older than 75 to have a mandatory competency test.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Are you impressed?
You're impressed that I can say that word? Wow.
Well, of course, some older politicians are pretty upset.
And I guess to prove that they're still young and cool,
they tried to define some popular slang words.
But I'm not sure they did so well.
I mean, for instance, when asked to define "bussin',"
this senator said...
[ Laughter ]
Take a bus.
When asked to define "no cap," this senator said...
[ Laughter ]
When asked to define "rizz," this senator said...
[ Laughter ] Rizz crackers.
-Goes well on a Rizz. -Rizz crackers, yeah.
When asked to define "drip," this senator said...
[ Laughter ]
Next up, when asked to define "totes," this senator said...
[ Laughter ] Cool, man.
Up next, when asked to define "bougee,"
this congressman said...
[ Laughter ] Use a bougee cord.
Check out this.
When asked to define "fit," Bernie Sanders said...
[ Laughter ]
Next up, when asked to define "clapback,"
this congressman said...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, when asked to define "mid,"
President Biden said...
Alright, alright.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's trying. He's trying.
Well, this is wild. I saw that Victoria Cruise Line
is now selling a 27-month-long cruise.
27 months. That's not a vacation.
That's running away and starting a new life.
[ Laughter ]
Today the producers of "Dateline" were like,
"We just got picked up for three more seasons."
I mean, come on.
Some more business news, I heard that Hasbro is struggling.
And they may be forced to sell off some of their assets,
including "Peppa Pig."
[ Audience ohs ]
You know cash is tight.
I mean, look at this latest "Peppa Pig" episode I saw.
-Mummy, help us sell lemonade.
-Sorry. I have to go inside and post on my OnlyFans account.
-Pardon?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-My goodness.
-Well, listen to this. Chick-fil-A just opened
a break room in New York City,
where delivery workers can stop for coffee, use the restroom,
and charge their phones.
That story again, Chick-fil-A opened a Starbucks.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a cat from Florida that went missing two years ago
was just found 1,400 miles from home in Kansas.
Yep. The owners were really excited,
while the cat was like, "Take the hint."
[ Laughter and applause ]