(ominous music)
(siren wailing)
(radio crackling)
♪ She must be my angel ♪ (cameras clicking)
♪ 'Cause I am in heaven ♪
(gun fires)
- [Detective] Detective Logan?
- Well, that's good detective work, sweetheart.
You should try to join the force.
- Yeah, I already did that five years ago.
- Well, try and try again.
- Good, you're acquainted.
I've got a case for you.
- Chief, this is the 40th dead girl in as many weeks as.
Wait, where's Logan?
- Let's go, slowpoke.
Or do you not care about dead girls?
(tense music)
- [Detective] Welcome to the Glendon Trail PD.
- [Logan] I don't exactly work well with others.
♪ Together now ♪
(radio crackling)
- [Logan] Detective Logan, Glendon Trail homicide.
- Well, thank God.
I was afraid this was was
in the sheriff's department jurisdiction.
- Well, it's not my jurisdiction.
Just because a body's on the side of the road
doesn't make it the state trooper's problem.
- Enough, unless one of you guys wanna tell
this dead girl's parents why we couldn't find her killer
'cause it wasn't in any of our jurisdictions.
- Pbbt.
- [Logan] Poor kid.
- What do you see?
- I see a dead girl in the trash.
Also, I see glitter on her neck.
- [Detective] You think she's a stripper?
- She's a dead girl, isn't she?
- Sanitation department.
Can we say she wasn't found in a pile of trash?
- Fine, if you wanna tell her parents that.
- I'm bad with parents.
- Must be better with trash.
Let's go.
(eerie music)
(tape creaking)
(tape snaps)
(thunder booms)
(ominous music)
♪ Every night ♪
(girl shrieks)
- I'm sorry, look, I get emotionally involved.
- And?
- My daughter was murdered.
(intense music) (girl giggling)
- Your daughter is dead?
- Times two. (thunder booms)
My beautiful wife who I loved
more than anything in the world?
She was killed three years later.
(wife shrieks)
- Jesus.
♪ The radio ♪
- I lost my sister, too.
(sister coughing)
- Murdered?
- Yeah.
From lung cancer.
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Don't you know that any time
you care about a girl, another girl dies?
(neck cracks)
(country music)
Crazy couple years
with all the women in my life getting murdered.
(ominous music) (camera clicks)
- [Detective] What do you see?
- [Logan] I see a dead girl in the trash.
(gun fires)
- [Detective] People are gonna think
you're the one killing these dead girls.
- [Logan] Sometimes, I wish I was.
(intense music)
Crazy couple years
with all the women in my life getting murdered.
(gun fires)
(girl shrieks)
That girl's dead, this girl's dead, that girl's dead.
That girl's dead.
- [Detective] We already know they're dead.
- I'm telling you, these are all connected.
- Ah, give me a flippin' break.
- Why don't you come over to my place
for a nice home cooked meal with me and my family?
- He'll be there.
That's an order.
(people laughing)
- So, Logan, I hope my daughter here
isn't giving you too much trouble.
- Yeah, as long as she's not the one
murdering all those girls.
- I forgot to tell you all the girls in his family are dead.
- Times two.
- Aren't you gonna eat something?
- Yeah, I think I'm gonna have a liquid dinner tonight.
(Logan snores)
(Logan blows raspberry)
(phone rings) (ominous music)
Get another Amber Alert?
- No, an autopsy report.
Oh yeah, and another Amber Alert.
- No phones at the table.
- Hey, not so fast. - Oh my god.
- Oh my god is right.
There's been another murder.
We gotta get out of here now.
(Logan inhales deeply)
- Let's go.
- You know who you remind me of?
- Who?
- My two dead daughters.
(tense music)
Don't you know that any time you care about a girl,
another girl dies?
♪ Night ♪
(somber music)
- We're closed, you can't be here.
- My whole family's dead girls,
so I go wherever the heck I want.
Admit it, you're the one killing all those dead girls.
- What girls?
- Those girls.
(emotional music)
- What?
- Nothing's as it seems, am I right Hall?
Guess I really cared about her.
I hope you don't have a daughter, and I never meet her.
(Logan sighs)
'Cause she'll be dead in a week.
(ominous music)
Boy, this day just got really crummy.
♪ The best is yet to come ♪
(tense music) (clock ticking)
(woman moaning)
(coin clinks)
- Attorney client privilege.
Where do you draw the line?
I'll tell you who not to ask, Ruth Diamond-Phillips.
- You might remember me from the Dr. Armond case.
It was one that I was immediately drawn to.
Murder, intrigue, romance, and then it all went to hell.
- [Lawyer] Objection, is she wearing evidence?
- [Judge] You're free to go.
- But I picked myself up, and I started my own firm.
Diamond-Phillips and Associates.
- New client coming in at one o'clock.
- Well, why don't we ask him
to meet me at the restaurant?
(ominous music)
(pleasant music)
(Ruth slurps)
- Oh, hey.
Oh, pardon me.
(dishes clattering)
Right.
- The first thing that I noticed
about Mr. Jeff was his plump tush.
- Ms. Diamond-Phillips?
When I met Ruth, this woman was friendly,
she was kind, big head of hair like a fern.
She seemed like she could be more than a lawyer.
For a long time, I was a referee.
(whistle trills) - Oh!
- Then I became a TSA agent.
You know, protecting the friendly skies.
- Wow.
- So I'm chatting with this one guy.
So he says, for a friend- - Yeah.
- Would you mind looking the other way
while I send some personal items through the X-ray machine?
- Sure.
- Turns out the personal items was 12 pounds of cocaine.
- Darn it, Jeff!
- The charges against me were very severe.
I guess they caught me sending a bag filled with cocaine
through the X-ray machine.
I didn't know.
So I was looking to lock down some legal help
so I wouldn't get locked up myself.
One of those police dogs could smell from the food court.
That's how smelly this cocaine was,
but I don't got a nose like a dog.
- You treat me like a dog.
But, things might get dirty.
I might get dirty.
- Well, cheers to this, huh?
- [Ruth] Cheers!
(Ruth laughs)
- This is a candle.
I'm not gonna drink a candle.
- Jeffrey,
Jeff, I guess,
is and will always be
the funniest gentleman that I've ever, ever met.
- Well, it's always five o'clock somewhere.
(Ruth splutters)
(Ruth laughs)
You all right there, Ru-Ru?
(ominous music)
- Some say justice is blind,
but she's also insane and horny.
And the case of the TSA versus Ref Jeff was no exception.
(ominous music)
- See, on a date here, right?
- Yeah, well.
- Well? - Yeah.
- Oh my favorite thing about restaurants is chips.
- That sort of interaction where you're so excited
you feel like you're just first meeting,
but you're so comfortable that you feel like
perhaps you've known each other for forever.
So, Jeff, I realize as your attorney
that I don't know a lot about you.
Do you have a family?
- Oh yeah.
- Oh you do.
- Huge family. - Oh.
- I got thousands of people in my family.
Everyone I meet, I treat like a brother or sister,
you know what I mean?
- Phew.
- You know, speaking of sisters, can I ask you something?
- Anything.
- Who's your favorite character on "Living Single?"
- Ruth's and Jeff's relationship blossomed that night.
(upbeat music)
Jeff's company was like catnip for Ruth,
and Jeff was stunned by his newfound ability
to lock down plans.
- Ruth Diamond-Phillips,
never canceled on a plan once.
- Time would slip away from them,
and before they knew it,
it was the day of Jeff's trial.
Mr. Maluso, do you still reside at 359 West Route 28?
- I do indeed.
I live there with my beautiful sweetheart, Lara.
Hey baby, how are you?
And our 15 beautiful children.
Say hi, guys.
These are good kids.
We rescued them from a bunch of scumbags.
Those people who leave their kids out in the dirt.
- Ref Jeff and Lara have loosely adopted
between 10 and 15 foster children.
- Oh yeah, I got a big family.
- Something that Ruth Diamond-Phillips
could've rightfully expected him to mention at some point.
- Did you or did you not
go out to dinner with me and do dancing with me?
- She's my lawyer, right?
- I'll allow it.
- I just wanted to crucify that Lara.
So you're just, well you're just,
well you are just gorgeous, aren't you?
- Oh, thank you.
- Ah, you're gonna tell me
that these two people are criminals?
Oh, she's actually not.
I'm sorry.
- Yes, let's strike that.
- You know what that man smuggles?
He smuggles love, for exhibit A.
He smuggles hugs, for exhibit B.
Every single photo that slipped out of my hand,
another crack in my beating heart.
Would you like to see some more?
- Of course, these are adorable.
- At the end of the day, the lawyer in me won out,
and the woman in me will have to go home
and figure it out,
and at least I know how to do that.
I rest my case, my heart is broken, I'm fine.
(Lara clapping)
Thank you.
You're so nice.
You're really, a really nice person.
- For Ruth Diamond-Phillips,
the law won out over attraction.
- Ru-Ru, come and join us. - Oh no, no, no, no.
- You're part of the family now, Ru-Ru,
come here, come here.
Yeah.
- But I'm still horny.
(Ruth laughs)
I really am.
(ominous music)
(intense music)