If you're fighting with your spouse or if there's a
constant tension between the two of you in your relationship or marriage,
or if innocent conversations just suddenly,
ERUPT into volcanic like explosions... Then you're in the right place.
Because in this video I'm going to teach you the three most common mistakes
couples make when fighting
and how to steer clear of them. Hi, I'm Bruce Muzik from
LoveAtFirstFight.com and I help couples
fix their troubled relationships and marriages. In my work with fighting couples
I've noticed that almost always when a couple is fighting they make one if not
all three of these simple mistakes
that end up escalating an argument into a heated fight
that ends with door slamming, icy silences and one of you
sleeping on the couch. So what are these 3 mistakes?
Well, the first is: Communicating when you're triggered.
Have you ever been in the heat of the moment and
you've said something you knew you'd later regret, but you couldn't stop the words
coming out of your mouth. Even though you knew you shouldn't be saying them...
And almost in slow motion they came out
and caused a huge amount of hurt in your relationship? Yeah.
Me too. Not something I'm proud of. That happens
because when you're triggered you literally
become stupid. Like a chimpanzee.
You see, we all have a part of our brain that's like a chimpanzee's brain.
Get the reference now? (Chimpanzee sound) This part of our brain is called our Reptilian Brain
It evolved to help us survive. And when we are triggered by our partner
it gets activated and it does one of two things:
It either get's ready to fight, or it gets ready to run like hell in the opposite direction.
If it gets ready to fight it drains all the blood from our brain
into our arms so that we can fight . If it's getting ready to flee or to run like
hell in the opposite direction
it drains all the blood from our brain down into our legs,
so that we have oxygen in our legs so we can run faster. In any event
there's no blood left in our brain which renders us literally
stupid, because our brain isn't getting enough oxygen.
Which is why we say dumb things when
we're triggered. So don't do it... Don't
communicate when you're triggered. When you feel that flash of anger in your face,
when you feel yourself getting triggered (you know what that's like)...
Pause. Tell your partner "Baby, timeout.
I'm triggered. I'm going to go for a walk for half an hour
and come back and finish this with you".
Or sit down and journal your thoughts out for half an hour...
and then come back to your partner when your heart rate is lowered,
when you're feeling normal again and you can have a normal conversation
without getting triggered. If one of you is triggered in the conversation
you may be able to avoid conflict if the other one has their wits about them.
If both of you are triggered in the conversation which can happen so fast,
you've got World War III in your hands. Mistake number two
is a common one. It's trying to resolve the surface problem.
Imagine this: Your spouse is yelling at you.
You've forgotten to take the trash out for the fifth time.
And you know this conversation is not going to go well.
What do you do? Do you: (A) Take the trash out
(B) Apologize and make it up to them
(C) Tell them to stop nagging
and that you'll do it later. Or...
(D) Start explaining why you were too busy to take
the trash out.
What would you do? If you chose
any of these you'd be sleeping in the opposite sides of the bed
that evening... Why? Because this was a bit of a trick question. You see...
Your spouse isn't angry about you not take the trash out five times in a row.
They're angry about something far more important than that. If you probe deeper
you'll discover that beneath their surface complaints of
you not taking the trash out. Your spouse is actually angry
about what not taking the trash out means...
About the state of the emotional connection
between the two of you. Perhaps they're thinking something like:
If you can't be trusted to do something as simple as "Take the trash out"
how on earth are they ever going to trust you to do the big things -
like raise the children, or look after the finances, or stay faithful
for that matter?... See what I mean here? And if you try to resolve the surface complaint
about not taking the trash out
you won't get anywhere. Instead, ask your partner about their softer feelings.
Beneath the surface of the complaint and sooth those,
comfort them, reassure them, sooth those feelings
and THAT'S what's going to resolve your problem. If you're participating in my
Love At First Fight coaching program then in the second module of the program we'll
spend an entire week
learning how to sooth those deeper emotions
for your partner, so that you can really de-escalate conflict really, really quickly.
Okay. The third mistake that couples make when fighting is what I call
perceiving the Phantom attack...
Have you ever seen a toddler in a supermarket that's lost his parents?
It balls its eyes out and cries as loud as it can to get its parent's attention.
Or what tends to happen is a toddler or little baby will shut down and go
internal because it's so afraid and just sit and wait
hoping that his parents will find him again. Both of these reactions are actually
survival strategies that are protesting the parents moving out a safe proximity
of the child. Now what most people don't know
is that as adults we do the same things
with our romantic partners. When we perceive that our partner has moved out
of safe,
physical or emotional proximity, we protest
them moving out of proximity by making a noise (like the baby screaming)
or going really quiet. Yeah, really advanced (de-escalation techniques) I know...
But because we don't understand this, when our partner gets
angry and is making a noise, we incorrectly think that they're trying to
attack us and we end up defending ourselves
or when a partner gets quiet we incorectly think they're trying to punish us.
Then we go in and try and attack them or pull them out of their shell.
But they're not. They're just protesting the disconnections,
the distance emotionally between the two of you. And they're doing it by making
a noise
or going quiet. And if you respond with a counter attack
you're just going to escalate the conversation into World War III
and then you're both going to hurt each other. So remember,
when your partner gets upset, defending yourself like your life
is at stake is inappropriate. It's just gonna escalate the conflict.
Instead do this: SOOTHE them
like you would sooth a baby crying.
Not in a condescending pat on the head, "here... here... now... now..." kind of way.
But sooth them by saying something like, "Honey, I notice you're really upset.
I imagine you are hurting. Tell me what's going on for you. I'm interested."
or "Tell me what is going on for you, how can I support you?" So there you have them:
The three biggest mistakes that couples make when fighting and what to do about it.
Go try the strategies I suggested and let me know in the comments below
how they worked out for you. Also if you enjoyed this video
give it a thumbs up or click the Like button down below it helps me spread this education
to more people
who need it. And finally if your relationship's in trouble and
there's constant tension between you, or you're 'walking on eggshells', or
one of you is withdrawing and the other one is chasing and becoming
more needy...
Go subscribe to this channel now and then go to www.LoveAtFirsFfight.com
You can click on the link here it'll take you right there.
And sign up for my free Fix Your Relationship video training program
and I'll teach you a communication skill completely free of charge
that will help you de-escalate your conflict in your relationship
in a matter of seconds. Thank you for watching and thank you for your time.
I'm Bruce Muzik. I'm here to support you fixing your troubled relationship. Reach
out if you need me.
I'll talk to you soon. Bye, bye.