Do you remember for Bumping Mics
I said I was gonna bring in some hats for you guys?
-Yeah. -Yeah. Hell yeah.
Here's some.
Fuck yeah, dude. It was so funny.
Jeff Ross, Dave Attell.
Very limited amount.
This is for Christine, this is for you Dan, I'm sorry.
I have shirts, too.
Black Lou, you know I can't fit that hat.
Maybe you guys want some of these.
I have fetal alcohol syndrome,
which means that hat does not fit my head.
Dan, if you put it on the-
Put it on the last hook. This will be the best.
God dammit, this always happens to me in my life,
and it's always embarrassing enough.
It is, because that's ridiculous.
Wow, now I feel horrible.
No, now I have to do it in front of Dave Attell, this sucks.
No, it's good, put it in the very last one.
You're right.
God dammit, it doesn't even go to the last one.
Did it break open? Yeah.
Your head split open the last hook?
Yeah.
Man, Black Lou really got a kick out of that.
That would be-
Look, watch, I'll try to go ...
snap it. Jesus, man.
Yeah, but if this was Shark Tank, that would be your thing.
"Here's a proposal-"
Yeah. I go
"Now, a hat for people with fetal alcohol syndrome.'
Did you guys watch a lot of TV? I see you both as more-
I did.
Sports oriented, like hey,
let's go out and throw the ball around.
No, we didn't have dads. I did that, too.
Oh.
Well, I did that with my friends,
same as you, as I got older.
No, when I was a kid, it was very TV,
so I watched a lot of TV shows that people my age
are not that aware of and Christine knows some of them,
she knows those shows from Nick at Night,
she said, but I would watch them just late night on TV,
and that would be anything from the Honeymooners
to Carol Burnett Show I used to watch a lot.
-Really? -Really?
Yeah. With Tim, what was his name, Tim Conway.
Tim Conway.
-And Harvey Korman. -Yeah.
I used to watch that show a ton. Taxi, like-
I used to watch Mama's House.
She used to end every show with a Q&A with the audience.
They'd always have like "I'm from Missouri."
She'd meet her crowd. It was kind of frightening.
The worst was when Tracey Ullman
would do the thing with the crowd at the end
and she'd go "Oh, go home, get out of here, go home."
That stupid voice.
"What are you doing? Go home." She does 1,000 characters
and they're all an old, weird, English witch.
That was my, you go to school
and you can't wait to get home to watch some TV,
and eat really bad food. My mom would make me sandwiches.
Like in South Park, I was the fat kid-
-Cartman? -Cartman?
Like "Mom, make me a sandwich."
These kids now, they don't even need that,
because they have the phones,
so they can just do it whenever they wanna do it,
but we had to race home.
Dude, racing home from the bus stop,
I knew if I got home at a certain time I could watch
two Saved by the Bells, and two Brady Bunches.
You're absolutely right.
Izabella, if you guys got rid of cable, it wouldn't matter much.
Yeah, really, you watch everything on Hulu,
and Netflix, and stuff.
Yeah, and everything's on demand.
It is a crazy thing to live through,
and every year I get a new technology
that I'm willing to believe in and give in to.
What is it now?
I'm trying to think what next year's is gonna be.
I didn't believe in ...
Online payment was a big one for me, now I'm okay with it.
Are you- I'm not into that either.
Yeah, you have a flip phone, you're still like-
Yeah, I have a flip phone, I don't Uber,
I don't do any of that stuff.
You don't Uber? It's just all yellow cabs?
I don't.
What if you're on the road and you need-
Then I guess I have to walk, good man. Like Kwai
Chang Caine in Kung Fu, I'm just walking through the-
Good god.
No, when I was out in LA, I was just out there,
and I told this to Nikki Glaser earlier,
because we both were out in LA
doing shows, and I took regular cabs.
It was really weird to be the only guy hailing a cab.
I was there to solve the Black Dahlia murder,
I'm like "Take me to Hollywood and Vine."
Don't you understand?
The guy that was behind the first Superman
is linked to this murder,
and I can prove that it goes all way up to the studios.
Those guys, those cab drivers-
It's actually significant-
Are not our cab drivers. It's like a small club.
Definitely there's some kind of initiation.
Really?
It's an Armenian, some kind of burn a card with a dove feather.
Some kind of weird ... Blood in, blood out.
Yeah, if you borrowed a cab driver's car
and showed up, they'd be like
"Did you not do the walk of fire?"
They don't know any places outside of their little world.
"Take me to the Melrose Improv."
"Improv?" They just repeat it in a weird-
I'm telling you, I was off,
I didn't do Uber for a long time, either.
I stayed away from that one, too, and just did cabs.
However, once you buy the new technology, it is way better.
It is.
It's significantly better,
because you don't have to say anything.
You get in, and he's got a map to where you're going already.
-Let's play a game. -Okay.
You ready? Let's try and guess how many people in this room
have ridden on an electric scooter.
I'm gonna say-
I'll be, since it's my game, I'll say right away I have not.
You have not? Okay. I-
I'm gonna say you have.
Have not.
Really? I'm down one.
Down one. You're up. Electric scooter.
I've never been on one.
-No. -No.
-No. -Never.
Never. Absolutely not.
Well, here's what happened.
Oh.
Of all the people in the room, I thought Jay was not-
Yeah, you were waiting for Jay to be like
"Nah, bro, I'm ..."
I was in San Diego, and I saw them lying around all outside,
and where I had to go, I walked it every time,
but it was a half mile or so walk.
Then I saw them lying around,
they look like they're kind of fun.
Yes.
They do look like they're kind of fun.
In fact-
So I got the whole app, and loaded it up,
and then I got on it, and I put one foot on it,
and pushed the button to see what kind it does,
I'm like "Oh, yeah, look at that, it goes."
Then I got on it,
and it says you're supposed to kick a few times,
then it will start catching. I think I was too heavy for it,
so I didn't ever really caught the motor part.
Then I just didn't want to be embarrassed
and get off it with like an angry
"Stupid thing doesn't even work."
So I just foot cranked myself
the whole way there like an idiot.
I looked like an asshole. This Asian kid is just cruising,
Tokyo Drifting through everything.
Yeah, probably like "Move, analog."
I was a fat kid, yeah I'm like "Hey, I'm sorry everyone."
"I'm too big for it."
Yeah. "I have to get to Big and Tall
before it closes, I gotta party."
A big and tall scooter.
When I was in Spokane, It was Halloween,
so right away everyone's costumed up,
but they're all still on the scooters,
so it's really weird to see.
They're like drunk, and they're going no helmets,
just dressed up as The Little Mermaid
going right into the bar, wiping out everywhere.
I think that's cool, I'm sure these guys have all done it.
Electric scooter? Never.
No? Cory, electric scooter?
What am I, I thought I was-
Well it's not in New York really yet.
No, no I know.
It won't. It shouldn't be.
I really hope they don't.
They should do a one two punch of pot is legal and scooters.
Grid lock.
What? Holy shit.
Grid lock. Scooter grid lock. All the way,
I mean, there will be 1,000 scooter deaths a year if it's-
In New York? You can't have it.
-In New York? I'm sure, yeah. -It's impossible.
Oh, dude, when they found out how to pop the governor
off those things and just take him without using it.
-Mm-hmm. -What about-
It is a weird rule that it's just like drop it on the street
wherever you found it, who gives a shit?
Whatever, we don't care. What are we, nerds?
We really are designing jobs.
I talked to an Uber driver about this the other day,
and Dave Smith used to have a pretty great joke,
but he used it as being on a desert island.
But we always make all the jokes,
we talk about it on the show a lot,
our part in the apocalypse,
like what it's gonna be when we're walking dead life,
and I think we have to really start
making our way to the Midwest.
Really?
That's what I've decided, because what skills do we ...
Forget all the technology, we have no technology,
we have no electricity,
and I feel like we're in a pile of web designers,
and fucking fashion buyers.
Who of us in this room right here-
media market.
Is gonna kill, skin, cook, dice up and cook fucking deer?
I couldn't even do the process of,
I don't know if I could kill it.
Yeah, that'd be real tough.
That's weird, because New York is known for its chefs,
but yet we have very few hunters.
That's really gonna be tough here.
Yeah, we got Gordon Ramsay but we got-
Yeah, we're all gatherers. No hunters.
We got so many guys who know fusion food recipes.
I know, that's great. He goes "Let me get on the plane,
I'll give you a nice Asian fusion deer with-"
It is funny, as soon as this shit goes haywire,
the people you're gonna be right next to are wild
Trump supporters. Everybody who everyone says they hate,
you're gonna wanna buddy up to that guy real quick,
because he knows how to kill an elk.
Those are people that you called dumb.
You'll be like "You guys are dumb,"
and they're like "I know how to farm."
"Well, Hillary had some good ideas."
I just realized as a 41-year-old,
I lack almost all skill
that doesn't involve technology to survive.
Dave-
Did you ever go camping?
Real camping, never.
-Did you? -No, I was in Boy Scouts though.
-You were? -Yeah.
I was too, but I feel like we're all gonna-
So follow me. How many badges?
I would say I was somewhere, I was not really ...
Remember, this was right after the Vietnam war,
so being in a uniform was really tough.
It was really tough.
Did they call you baby killers?
I was spat on many of time coming out of an airport,
but it was funny-
Dave's going to get ice cream ...
It's funny, it was more of a get high in the woods kind of scene,
because there was no helicopter parenting, it was more like
"Okay, you guys, you're out there, you're camping,
Tang and all that kind of stuff,
and making fires that you don't need,
and just having good times, you know?
You wouldn't hear from your parents
or contact them the whole time you were gone
because you couldn't. There was no way to.
Not at all. If something happened to you at
Boy Scout Camp, which did happen to me,
I was hit on the head with a log,
they would have to send a runner.
They would have to send the fastest ...
That's so funny.
Skip- Take this.
Run it down to the fire trail.
You must run.
I'm pretty sure the only Boy Scout camping trip
I went on was a set up for a couple guys to molest all of us,
but I just think he wasn't attracted to me.
I can only guess that because we went to,
in the middle of the woods, I mean an abandoned ...
We all slept in an abandoned house
in the middle of the woods.
Did you guys all have-
To call it a cabin wasn't fair.
It was a place where crack heads would sleep
if this was in a city. It was a boarded up weird thing
that that they put a fire in the fireplace.
Pretty bad ass.
Everyone slept on the floor,
it was freezing cold, like leaves inside.
That's not the Boy Scouts.
And I'm tell ... Yeah.
That's the caravan. That was the Blair Witch.
Part of the caravan.
It was the Blair Witch. No, I'm telling you,
that's what it felt like, the whole vibe was very bizarre.
You guys just went in this old house and-
Yeah, I swear to you, something like that.
That's pretty bad ass.
-No, it's not, Dan. -Wow, that is cool.
No it's not, guys.
And freaky. It's terrifying.
Yeah, it's terrifying, but that's what makes it so cool.
You have fans all over the country, so let me tell you,
I was in LA and I had nothing to do, so I went downtown LA.
They have this thing called the Death Museum.
Have you guys heard of this?
-No. -No.
It's pretty cool, it's got all of the serial killer
stuff in it, it's got just weird Polaroids
of just weird deaths,
and car accidents from the '60s, and all this crazy stuff.
You know the guys from the Heaven's Gate, that cult?
Yeah. Mm-hmm
-Oh, yeah. -They bought the bunk beds,
so you can look in at these dummies in the bunk beds,
and even that's kind of creepy.
That's so Rock and Roll Hall of Fame a bit.
Yeah, that's so weird.
I said it was kind of a hot topic for adults,
it's this weird ...
And they're all goth people in there,
the goth kids of LA are in there.
I was walking around this old man,
and I was waiting for one of the goth kids to go like
"Do you want to take me home and do that to me." Like "Whoa."
Yeah, you just look and you go
"I'm just looking at this skin lamp shade."
You should have sold individual-
It was all that kind of stuff.
You should have sold individual-
Crazy stuff.
Razor blades outside for all the sad girls.
"Here you go, you let some of that pressure out of your thigh,
you'll feel better."
Here's- But the best part-
Here's a Dixie Cup for a drip.
They go "Hey, can we get a ..." They have my headshot.
They just downloaded it, and they go "Can you sign this?"
I go "You gotta put it up on the wall like 'Dead Careers.'"
That would be great. A new wing.
Put me right next to the Toys "R" Us.
Jeffrey.
Is it very graphic, the stuff they show
Yeah, it was more than you thought.
It's also, they had a whole tape of an autopsy,
you got to see from beginning to end.
I don't know who was sitting there.
Then of course the CG Allen stuff,
all that kind of stuff in there.
They said they have another one in New Orleans,
which I assume is more spicy.
That's all gator bodies.
Oh you want to see how a gator ate a man?
You walk through a gigantic gator head.
Yeah.
You gotta walk into the belly to see all the good shit.
It's all reptile deaths.
Yeah, all this is serpentine related death.
Everything in here got killed or is a lizard.
I tell you what, I used to say that I think
I want to see those things, but I really don't want to.
No, man.
It's too much for me. Oh, I tell you what, though-
Banned From TV, when I was spending the night
at a friend's house, he put on the tape Banned
From TV, and I remember the girl getting-
The bus, or the train.
Hit by the train. Yeah, that was crazy.
I was like "Fuck."
And then there was the one right after that,
and this actually links into the story
we wanted to bring up for Dave,
but in Brazil, there was a hostage situation
and the guy took his stuff off, and tried to act like a hostage,
and one of the Federales knew it was him,
and right when he comes through,
they just fucking catch him with a shotgun in the chest.
You see it.
Yeah, you watch him slowly go down on his knees and stuff.
It's like and then he goes down, he's like
It also had a student getting shot in the chest or something.
Yeah, and the guy fucks up the suicide.
Yeah, but there was that one,
it was a Philadelphia politician years ago
that killed himself on live TV
That's right, yeah. But I mean, when you see that-
They have that in the museum. They do have that.
Yeah, but the thing is, I've actually almost gotten,
almost without even meaning to, desensitized to so much stuff.
The first beheading I watched, I think a beheading
I'd still have a hard time with,
but that first one that came out,
the one that everyone saw.
Yeah, that Yahoo put it on.
Daniel, I forget his name, now I feel terrible.
Not Daniel Pearl?
-Was it? -Mm-hmm
Yeah, Daniel Pearl was the journalist.
Yeah. When they fucking ...
No, this guy was a contractor or something,
the first one they killed.
The video came out, and it was like "Do not watch."
And I really,
it was one of the only things ever when it was over,
I was like "I wish I didn't see that."
But then we watched that video, I felt like a weirdo,
we watched the video of the girl
hanging out the window of the car
showing her tits, then a fucking-
Oh, I never saw that.
It hits a pole, and I can-
Is he beheaded? I mean, yeah, it's gone.
You can't see it in the video, so it's a little-
You can't see it, but you can hear it.
You can see a
like her body is like limp, and it ends right there.
I can watch that now without grimacing, almost.
It's very weird. I don't know-
You just watch
You get desensitized, and you don't mean to,
'cause I'm like "It's a horrible thing."
Yeah.
Yeah, but later when you go to sleep,
then the images come into your head,
when you lower your filter, that's when it will just pop in.
When I go into hotel rooms, I, do you ...
There it is. When you go to a-
Is she dead?
-Yeah. -Okay.
She's a dead woman.
When you go to sleep in hotel rooms,
and we're in hotel rooms a lot,
I think, Dan, you said you're all lights off, TV off, right?
Yeah, everything's off.
Do you go to bed everything off?
It really depends on the room.
If it's a suite, and I'm not saying that I rate a suite
but sometimes you play Vegas,
and they give you that conference room area,
that creeps me out more than when it's ...
I always go "I just need a little room."
I don't need that extra,
where I'm gonna have, planning Oceans 11.
I don't know what that is there for,
like I'm having a peace treaty.
You go "Some of the world leaders are getting
in tomorrow at seven."
I have a meeting with the legion of doom or something.
I went to a hotel with you once where had you
a weird board room attached.
Yeah.
I remember that, that was odd.
It's really funny to eat a Subway sandwich
at this gigantic table.
Viking dinner.
The loneliest boy in the world.
You go "Look at all this sandwich
for none of my friends."
But, yeah, no, if I had that room,
then I'd have to keep a light on or two,
just because I want to know what's going on.
I always keep a light on. I keep the TV on with no volume.
Weird.
I keep a light on by the front door of it.
The TV with no volume, and I watch cartoons,
the Family Guy type cartoons on my computer.
What would happen if you turned off all-
All night long?
You just need that all night long just to keep you from-
When I fall asleep, eventually the computer will just,
it kind of does that "Are you still watching this?"
Acknowledge it, so I don't care when that happens-
But the TV stays on.
But if I wake up for five, not even.
If I just wake up and open my eyes
and I see that screen like
"Continue watching or leave it off."
I always hit continue watching,
and it comes back on, and I go back to sleep.
-Really? -Yeah.
Weird.
Christine had to learn to sleep with ...
You were a sleep in the dark person.
She had to learn to sleep-
Even at home you have to keep a light on?
Not a light. TV.
TV, though.
You keep the TV on while you sleep the entire time at night?
It goes off eventually.
You know that's really bad for you.
-I feel like I'm fine. -Is it?
Yeah, they're saying for your sleep cycle,
they think it's really bad to sleep in a room-
Well how else am I gonna watch Hell Raiser Judgment-
Well that's the thing, yeah.
I can only watch horror movies late,
and Christine falls asleep, and for whatever reason,
her sleeping presence is the only thing
that will save me from monsters.
You're very powerful in your sleep.
I'm telling you, it's very weird.
I would never watch a horror movie late night on the road.
Never in a million years.
Yeah, that's tough. It wakes me up.
I get that fear, sometimes I walk a little fast
getting out of the elevator, a Club Quarters hotel in San
Fran where you stay, it has windy hallways.
That's terrifying.
Something like that when you get off an-
That's The Shining.
It's just quiet, and empty, and you're just walking.
All you hear is your footsteps,
and your bag swinging, or whatever, and it's-
And you're like "This is haunted, it has to be.
Look at this hallway."
It wigs me out. I get very wigged out.
Then the ice machine goes, and you're like "What?"
But I pissed my pants and started crying.
You've switched rooms because it was haunted.
Dude, straight up. Vancouver.
I've been in a haunted room, too.
Vancouver at Comedy MIX.
Do you move? Did you ask to move?
Oh, absolutely.
I've asked to move
During the Comedy MIX, I don't know what it was,
I was trying to go to bed, and I was lying there,
and it sounded like a pipe was dripping, then I walked,
and then the noise moved, and it was fucking with me,
and I called downstairs, I was like "Can I move?
I'm hearing something, can I move?"
They're like "Yeah, sure, of course."
Then I moved rooms and slept great.
Did they tell you it was haunted?
No, I never found that out. I kind of just ran.
I don't know, I bet you there's a lot of people
who were into that who would want to stay in the room
'cause it's haunted.
That's really weird to me when people are like
"Yeah, no, let's go to this haunted house and stay.
You pay 600 bucks, some lady got raped and murdered downstairs."
You're like "I'm good."
That's a weird ... People travel around to these sites.
Yeah, that's a weird-
Would you take a great deal on an apartment
if a junkie died there?
Nope. I've actually had apartments where people did die,
and all that kind of stuff, and they just-
Now they have to tell you, that's part of it,
they have to tell you the record.
Does it matter to you if it's someone just died
in their bed of old age or heart attack?
That's fine, that's fine.
You're okay with that but a murder you wouldn't?
Yep. Nope.
I would rather it be someone cooler than an old aged person.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
If they go "This guy died getting his dick sucked
and doing crack and heroin."
That would be good. I'd be like "Ooo."
That's a bad ass.
If he's haunting me, that guy's a party.
Can I sleep in sunglasses?