Opposers,
I love America.
It's been perfect ever since day one,
when the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock
and immediately refused to bake a cake for some gay Indians.
(laughter)
On religious grounds.
I love it here in America, but I've got to be honest.
Sometimes, when I look around,
I don't recognize my country anymore.
♪ ♪
(cheers and applause)
First up-- female cocks,
or as they call them "chickens."
(laughter)
There's nothing more American than KFC.
You got "Kentucky ," you got "Fried,"
and you got a weaker creature's blood on your hands.
(laughter)
America. Well, not anymore.
KFC is developing a vegetarian fried chicken.
A spokesperson says the offering is aimed at healthy eaters.
Vegetarian
That's an oxymoron!
Like government efficiency,
or unflattering picture of Eric Trump.
(laughter)
Leave your recipe alone, KFC.
It's our president's favorite thing to eat
after cheeseburgers and Paul Ryan's integrity.
(laughter)
I mean, meatless chicken? Come on!
That's not the America I know.
Am I even
It sure doesn't feel like it.
You know what? Maybe I'm not.
Maybe I'm in some other country, like-- I don't know--
-Finland! -♪ ♪
And I'm polishing Olympic hockey medals
with my friends Lena and Alexander,
and going to the public library--
because this country has the highest rate
of book borrowing per capita--
before an afternoon of hiking through the 78% of the country
that's covered in forests while the rest is (bleep) fjords!
Ugh!
Next up-- man's best friend.
Statues.
I love statues.
They're a great way to commemorate American heroes
who loved this country so much, they waged war against it.
(laughter)
But now, some new statues are coming to town.
WOMAN:
She Built NYC Campaign.
First Lady Chirlane McCray says
finding a memorial or statue to instrumental women
in New York City is like going on a "scavenger hunt."
When there are no representations of the women
who built this city, women of all ethnicities,
the message is that women's contributions
are worth less than men's.
Hey, lady, what do you mean you need more statues of women?
You already have the tallest one.
(laughter)
And she's great!
She's holding a book.
She's supposed to welcome everyone to the country.
If you think about it,
the Statue of Liberty is America's bitchy hostess.
(laughter)
"I'm sorry, but our poor, tired, huddled masses section is,
"like, so full.
You can go wait at the bar. It's a detention center."
(laughter, groaning)
(whispering): It's a cage.
(laughter)
So I guess this organization is mad that there are nearly
150 historical male statues in New York,
and only five female statues,
but that can't be true.
There are so many statues of women. I see 'em everywhere.
Always staring out of windows at me,
judging my cargo shorts,
wearing lingerie in public.
Some of them don't even have heads!
And none of them are my mom! I never said they were.
I mean, come on. More statues of women?!
What is this? This isn't my country.
What happened to the America I know and love?
Maybe I'm not there anymore.
Maybe I'm in (bleep) Barbados.
-(laughter) -♪ ♪
And I'm dancing at the Crop Over Festival
with a nearly naked and bedazzled Rihanna.
And we're giggling
about the country's near 100% literacy rate
before we drunkenly sashay down to one of the many beaches
for a meal of Cou Cou.
And if I choke on flying fish, it's okay,
because we have nationalized health care! Ugh.
Next up...
The
and hot on its heels, the PC police
at the
"Hey Perverts, Stop Staring at Elastigirl's Butt."
Now, Elastigirl is the mom,
and, personally, I barely noticed her.
I was too busy admiring
what I would look like with bleached hair.
(laughter)
But apparently, a lot of people noticed that Elastigirl is a...
"Thicc Superhero Queen."
(laughter)
So what?
Are we not allowed to sexualize cartoon characters anymore?
That's a proud American tradition.
From Betty Boop to Daphne
to Rosie the Robot maid.
(laughter)
Sweet, sweet Rosie.
(laughter)
Perhaps the thiccest of them all.
(laughter)
Just look at that sexy maid outfit.
Those angry red eyes.
-Those sensual claw hands. -(laughter)
That double-guillotine mouth.
Oh! And listen to her.
I could help you, Miss Judy.
I'm wired to tape analysis.
-Ooh, she's nasty. -(laughter)
Look, if we can't sexualize cartoon characters,
what the (bleep) are we even doing?
Honestly. I don't feel like I'm in America.
I feel like I'm in...
-Hell... -(flames crackling)
floating down the River Styx with some loser boat demon
insists that I pay him a fare.
No way, dude. This is a damn rowboat.
And I didn't even choose to come aboard.
I'm keeping my 50 cents.
And now I have to make small talk with Stalin
and that gorilla that stole sign language?
-No way. -(laughter)
This place sucks.
You know, I can't stand it anymore. This is too much.
Chuck. Chuck. Bring me back, man.
Tell me this isn't Hell and that I'm still in the country I love.
Is U.S. politics still dominated by men?
CHUCK: Yes.
are running for office this year.
What? Chuck...
normally, at the end of this segment,
you give me some reassurance that America is
CHUCK: To be honest, the country
There's growing diversity-- movements like #MeToo.
I had a veggie burger for lunch, and it was okay.
-Okay. -(laughter)
You're saying that not all change is bad?
Maybe I should try it.
-Chuck, you're fired. -Wait, what?
The fight continues.