Narrator: Scene six. Harry, Ron, Draco, Neville, Luna, Seamus, Dean, Cho, Lavender, and the other kids of Hogwarts
stand in a tight group in the girls' bathroom
Draco: There! That picture of the snake. Speak Parseltongue at it and the chamber opens.
Harry: Let's do this!
Voldemort is going down. Come on!
Narrator: The door to the chamber of secrets clanks open and they step inside.
The chamber is dark, wet, and cold.
Harry: Alright everyone. Stick together.
(Voldemort laughs maniacally from offstage, getting increasingly louder)
Voldemort: Harry Potter, the boy who lived.
So, we meet again.
Harry: Whoa! What? Is that a flying diary?
Voldemort: Oh shit.
(audience laugh and applauds)
Harry: That's so weird. Agh!
(Harry groans in pain)
Harry: Ah, shit.
Harry: I came back to stop you. How many times do I have to kill you, Voldemort?
Voldemort: Ah, clearly more than once, Potter.
Harry: You really think you stand a chance?
I already beat you. The real you. And all you are right now is a ghost.
Voldemort: Not for long. Soon I'll find the Resurrection Stone and I'll be back.
Harry: You mean this bad boy?
Voldemort: Yeeeaaah!
Harry: I hate to rain on your parade but it doesn't even work, Voldemort,
It only brings back spirits it doesn't even raise people from the grave.
I don't know what you've heard, but it's just a piece of shit.
Voldemort: Ah, but it's not a piece of shit. You're a piece of shit.
In fact, it does work. Dumbledore just didn't know how to use it.
In order to truly regain a life you have to take it from somebody else.
Ginny: Duuuuuuuuuh.
Voldemort: Why, I think I'll use hers!
Harry: Ginny! Ginny, snap out of it! What did you do to her?
Voldemort: I've been possessing her all year, now she's my slave.
And I really should thank you, Harry. In fact, you're the one who gave her to me.
(Harry groans, the other students gasp)
Voldemort: She belongs to me now.
And once I have that stone I'll be able to fully steal her life.
And then I'll have returned and her skeleton will lie in this chamber forever.
Harry: You're not gonna get the stone, Voldemort, I've got the whole school backing me up.
This isn't just between you and me.
Voldemort: You're right. This isn't between you and me.
It's between you, and me, and my giant snaaaaaake!
(Snake hisses, students gasp and scream)
Snake: I'm gonna get you stupid humans. Take this. (hisses)
Seamus: Bloody hell! That snake is almost as big as this snake!
Dean: Seamus! He's petrified!
(students all scream)
Harry: Don't look at that thing, it'll petrify you if you do.
Ron: Okay, how do we beat the Chamber of Secrets monster?
We can't even look at it!
Sorting hat: That creature is called a basilisk.
The sword of Godric Gryffindor is the only thing strong enough to penetrate it's scales.
Listen! It is said that the truest Gryffindor could pull the sword from within me.
Ron: Huh?
Neville: Let me try.
Ron: How'd the sword get up in you, Sorty?
Scarfy: Well I may have had something to do with that.
(audience cheer)
Neville: Let me try.
Nothing
Harry: Alright I'll try! Nothing.
Sorty: Harry, you're still afraid, still unsure of yourself.
Snake: Sssss. Found ya!
(all scream)
Scarfy: Well, if we want a fighting chance somebody's gotta go blind that thing.
Get out of the way kids!
Sorty: Scarfy! Why do you have to be so brave?
Scarfy: You're the one that sorted me into Gryffindor.
Sorty: And you're the one that taught this old hat how to love.
(Audience cheer)
Sorty: Be careful!
Scarfy: I will.
Take this you tacky snake!
Snake: Oh... OH! I can't see!
Who turned out the lights?
Harry: He's blind, everybody shoot magic at it!
All: Magic! Magic!
Snake: Ow, ow! Hey, did you guys come here just to hurt me?
I liked it so much better when my chamber was a secret.
Ron: Our spells aren't doing anything, his scales are too strong.
Harry: Well, at least he can't see us. Everyone be quiet.
Snake: Huh? Heeeeey, where'd they go?
Marco!
Draco: Polo!
Snake: Gotcha sucker!
(Draco screams)
Voldemort: You! Agh!
Scarfy: Well, well, Tom Riddle.
Voldemort: Agh! How dare you use that name?
Scarfy: Now you may have cut your hair, lost your shirt and added a fabulous cape...
But you're still that confused little orphan boy from all those years ago.
Voldemort: Shut up!
Scarfy: But you were wrong about the world, Tom.
Just like you were wrong about yourself. People DID care about you.
Dumbledore did. I did. And I think you care about people too, deep down.
And I think you know it.
Voldemort: Oh yeah, how's this for caring?
Avada Kedavra!
All: Scarfy! Nooooooooooo!
Voldemort: (laughs) Yes!
Now give me that stone, Potter.
Snake!
Snake: Yes master. Mmm. Give it. Mmm.
(Voldemort laughs)
Snake: Hand it over.
Voldemort: You're finished, Potter. You can't stop me.
Remember? You've lost everything that made you the Chosen One.
Face it! You don't even know who you are.
Harry: Oh yeah?
I'm....
Harry. Freakin. Potter!
(audience cheers)
Voldemort: Noooo!
(All cheering)
All: Harry freakin Po- ohhhh!
Voldemort: Yes!
Narrator: The basilisk and Harry fall to the ground.
The basilisk is dead but Harry is dying.
Voldemort walks to the Resurrection Stone and picks it up.
Voldemort: At last, you are mine! (laughs maniacally)
Oh, slaaaave!
I want the last thing for Harry Potter to see to be me sucking the life out of his girlfriend.
Oh, thanks babe. It's been one crazy year.
(laughs) Hey, Harry.
Tell me, how does it feel, knowing that you've failed?
Knowing that I'm gonna walk out of here and rule the world forever.
And knowing that when I do, I'll have wiped every trace of your story from the face of the earth.
Nobody will remember you. Nobody will care
While I will live forever. For you, this is your end, Harry Potter.
Harry: Well, Voldemort, if Harry Potter can't live forever then neither can you!
Voldemort: What?
Narrator: Harry lifts up the sword of Gryffindor and stabs the diary.
Voldemort: No!
Narrator: Blood begins to spurt from the diary as Voldemort convulses.
(Voldemort groans in pain)
Narrator: Voldemort's chest explodes open, a blinding white light shines out.
(Audience cheer. Voldemort screeches.)
Narrator: Pieces of Voldemort's body begin to break off as he desperately wails.
His face flakes away, revealing a grotesque screaming skull.
Soon all his skin ignites into flame.
His burning skeleton crumbles into a mess of gore and green goo.
Joe Walker dies!
(audience cheer)
All: Coooooool.
Ron: Oh! Harry!
All: Harry!
Ron: Harry, no no no no no no no. Don't die. Don't die.
Harry: Everything has an end, Ron. This is mine.
Hey, thanks for bringing me back.
Ron: No problem, pal. I just didn't think I'd have to say goodbye to you right now.
Harry: Well, I guess now would be the time to say goodbye, dude.
Hagrid: Not if old Hagrid has anything to say about it!
(audience cheer)
Hagrid: The end'll come Harry. But not today, not today!
Narrator: From within his coat, Hagrid reveals Fawkes the phoenix, who begins to cry into Harry's wounds with his magical healing tears.
Hagrid: There ya go, Fawkes. Give 'im a good cry. That's it. Let it out.
Harry: Whoa, wipeout.
Cho: Well, chocolate frogs! Harry Potter did it y'all!
(All cheer)
Ginny: Oh, Harry Potter!
Harry: Ginny! Ginny, I'm so sorry I was in such a hurtful mood all year. I was thinking, I was thinking dumping you would really-
I thought dumping you would bring me some good but I was totally wrong.
Do you want to date again, maybe?
Ginny: Awwwww, yaaaaah. You mean it?
Harry: Well, you know what the say, there's nothing really wrong with an old hat.
Ginny: Oh boy! I can't wait to go write about this in my diary!
Ron: But Hagrid...what about Scarfy?
Hagrid: I'm sorry kids. The phoenix tears don't work on clothes.
Ron: Scarfy!
Sorty: He died how he lived, throwing caution to the wind.
And he wouldn't want you kids to be sad for one moment.
He would've wanted you...to be gay.
(audience cheer)
McGonagall: Look! You see Mr Shacklebolt, Harry Potter has defeated the Chamber of Secrets monster!
The school is safe, it doesn't have to be destroyed.
Shacklebolt: It seems so.
But you kids, rushing past my men, fighting a giant snake all by yourselves,
and going directly against the orders of the Minister of Magic?
Those are magical felonies!
Well I think I just might... give magical medals to all you little heroes!
Students: Yeah!
Call off the airstrike, boys. Hogwarts is here to stay!
Wizard cop: Word!
(all cheer)
Madam Pomfrey: It's a miracle! All the students who were petrified have magically come back to life.
Except for Colin Creevey who unfortunately died.
Audience: Awwwww
Harry and Ron: Yay!
Hermione: Whoa, wipeout
I can't believe the chamber of secrets was in the girls' bathroom all along
I guess the rumors are true, Salazar Slytherin built this place so he could watch little girls pee.
Ron: Hermione! Wait... whats this? A ring?
(gasps)
Sorty: Just as a true Gryffindor can pull the sword from within me,
It is said that someone who is truly in love can pull a magical ring out of Scarfy's face.
It's his last gift to you, Ron. I think you know what to do with it.
Ron: I think I do.
I've gotta explain things
Hermione: No, Ron. You don't have to explain anything
I could see and hear everything while I was petrified.
I've already told the wizard cops what Mr Filch did to me while I was petrified and he's being arrested at the moment so...
But I also know that it was you, Ron Weasley who brought Harry back to save the school, and me.
Ron: Yeah, I, wait, what did Filch do to you?
Hermione: Ron, I've been thinking about it and you know what?
Gilderoy Lockhart is a creep and his books suck!
Would you mind staying with me? Even if I am waiting 'til marriage?
Ron: Well, you won't have to wait long!
(audience cheers)
Ron: Hermione Jean Granger, I wanna get another kiss.
So, will you marry me?
Draco: And me!
Hermione: Yes! Yes, Wizard God, yes!
Ron and Draco: I did it! She said yes!
Hey!
Ron: Shut your fat face you fart-mouth! She said yes to me.
Draco: No, good sir. She said yes to me!
Hermione: Oh my, two boys want my kisses. Now I know how Katniss feels.
All: Yay!
Harry: Well, that's it guys.
Ron: Senior year is over.
Hermione: I think we all graduated.
Ron: And Voldemort is gone forever. Unless there's some other unrelated piece of his soul floating around out there that we don't know about...
Harry: I doubt it.
So I guess that means... butterbeers on me!
All: Yay!
Mcgonagall: No, no, no, no, no! What kind of a headmaster would I be if I allowed that?
Butterbeers on me!
All: Yeah!
All: [singing] Don't wanna see you go but it's not forever, not forever.
Even if it was you know that I would never let it get me down!
'Cause you're the part of me that makes me better wherever I go
So I will try not to cry 'cause no one needs to say goodbye.
Seamus: Alright mate!
Harry: Goodbye Seamus. I'll miss you man.
Dean! You sun of a gun.
Dean: I love you man.
Harry: I love you.
Oh you crazy woman!
Goodbye
Harry: Neville, I'm gonna even miss you, pal.
Neville: Goodbye Mr Potter
Harry: See ya buddy. Bye Luna!
Cho: Sayonara Harry Potter.
Harry: Bye Cho.
Draco: Well, I suppose this is goodbye.
You sure showed Voldemort, didn't you?
Harry: (sighs) Yeah, it's pretty dangerous to be one of my enemies.
That's why it's a good thing that we're friends.
Audience: cheers
Hermione: Well guys, let's go see what's next.
Ron: You all ready to go, buddy?
Harry: Yeah, I'm just, uh...
Take it easy, Hogwarts.
It has been totally awesome.
(Audience cheering)