Okay, let's be honest.
The only reason anyone would watch a movie called "Shark Lake" with Dolph Lundgren on
the poster is because they want to see Ivan Drago punch a shark.
And while yes, the film's poorly lit and badly choreographed climax does have him getting
hot and heavy with bull shark - it just isn't satisfying.
And after struggling to watch the first 80-minutes, this final scene lands with thud, or perhaps
more appropriately - sinks like a rock.
Released in October of 2015 this so-called "horror / thriller" is the unrated debut from
director Jerry Dugan.
IMDb estimates the budget at $2,000,000 - which I estimate went entirely to securing the aging
action-star, as this film looks cheaper than a bag of frozen Trump Steaks.
As for how much this independently released film made?
Even a single $3.99 On-Demand rental is too much.
Lundgren portrays an exotic animal exporter, who inadvertently introduces a pregnant shark
into a mountain lake five years before it begins chowing down on unsuspecting locals.
It's a dumb, played-out formula we've all seen a dozen times before.
Even the absurd fresh-water twist has been done before in 1999's equally-stupid "Lake
Placid".
Plus, there's a secondary thread involving gangsters for some reason that just magically
resolves itself with a throwaway line of dialogue at the end of the film.
Obviously, this direct-to-video release isn't going to compete with "Jaws" - but I definitely
expected something a *little* better than this.
Let's start with the acting; yuck.
Just awful.
People cry out in horror with no sincerity in their voice, instead of fear, they illicit
unintentional laughter.
I've seen better performances in a "Mentos" commercial.
Lundgren is honestly the best performer here by a long shot - and that's saying something.
But frustratingly, he's MIA for a majority of the picture.
Of his, and I'm being generous here, 20-minutes of screentime, half of it comes in the final
scenes during his fishy-face-off.
The actual lead-role is played by the much younger and beautiful Sarah Lane - who is
completely unable to handle even the most simplistic dialogue, delivering it like she's
never heard English spoken out loud before.
There are low-budget movies and then there's projects like this; with sets, effects, and
stunts that give "Birdemic" a run for its money - or lack thereof.
The shark is completely absent for the first half of the picture, and later only appears
as cartoony CGI, poorly composited over a watery backdrop.
The shots of it swimming look more like an old "After Dark" screensaver than a motion
picture.
Never once do these creatures look like they're occupying the same space as our human protagonists,
and the film is completely devoid of tension as a result.
The sound-effects be even worse though.
The film opens by featuring loud tire screeching during a chase... on a dirt road!
Later, when a shark head-butts a boat, and water starts pouring in, the resulting shot
is laughably bad on multiple levels.
The rushing liquid resembles a bad Photoshop blending mode and is completely silent!
It's like the editor forgot to add one of the easiest sounds to foley: just turn on
a tap and add a microphone, dude.
The gunfire, background music and punches all sound incredibly fake and decidedly dubbed-in-post
too.
I went into "Shark Lake" expecting a dumb, but self-aware and amusing "so-bad-it's good"-type
movie.
Not only does this picture take itself way too seriously, it is an utter disappointment
by even those extremely low-expectations - as the bland action and boring presentation prevent
even film masochists like myself from finding ironic enjoyment from it.
"Shark Lake" is a failure from top-to-bottom with zero redeeming qualities or moments,
and a real GARBAGE film.
That does it for this quick excerpt - but if you'd like to watch full episodes of "Movie
Night", and submit your own reviews to be included on the show, please visit the Jogwheel
YouTube channel.
My name is Jonathan Paula, thanks for watching and have a good Movie Night!