- [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know what's
on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Hello and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm George Porridge.
- I'm Allison Oatmeal.
And Grant is writing the script in the office about
just the stuff he sees.
Right now Katie is wearing a sweater with llamas on it
and drinking fresca from a blue straw.
What a weirdo.
- Trapp is talking about a porn festival where people
burn the tapes at the end.
Just a second ago he said that Grant shouldn't
have put strawberry cream cheese on a raisin bagel
because it's too sweet.
What a weirdo.
- Brennan is talking about teens in a basement playing
air hockey and putting whipped cream
on each others' crotches.
He's got a coffee from Starbucks Reserve because he thinks
he's some kind of somebody.
- Now here comes Kellen.
Do you guys know Kellen?
He's funny but his shirt is way too yellow.
Trapp shook his hand just now and pulled really hard
so he almost fell.
It was funny.
Now Kellen is talking about his sinus headache.
Weirdo.
- And what's Rekha up to?
Right now she's absentmindedly spinning in her swivel chair
talking to Tao.
She's spinning faster and faster now.
She's screaming wee really loudly.
- Now she's abruptly stopped spinning and is staring
into the middle distance.
She's reaching into the top drawer of her desk
and is pulling out some kind of rat or baby possum.
- She's unhinged her jaw like a snake
and is eating the poor creature whole.
Its horrible screams have filled the office
and Rekha looks like she couldn't be happier about it.
What a weirdo.
- We go now to weather with Grizabella Grits.
Grizabella how's the week look?
- It's looking swell so far George.
As swell as Grant looks dressed up or dressed down.
Whether it's in his nicely tailored blue suit
or just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt
Grant knows how to look good in any occasion.
- Interesting.
Does it come off like he puts in too much effort?
- Not at all Allison.
- Interesting.
- It's effortless.
Grant's style is as magnetic as his personality.
Boy this is funny.
While I'm on that subject,
Grant is a raconteur of the highest order.
A born storyteller.
But while he's happy to hold court telling tales
of his interesting and full life,
he's equally satisfied to listen.
It's not an act either.
He genuinely cares about other people.
- If I'm understanding you correctly,
it sounds like Grant is a real Mensch.
- A Mensch of the highest order.
You wouldn't think someone with his innate charisma would
also be able to hit Grant's 10 rep max on a back squat
but Grant never cuts corners at the gym.
He knows that the only person
he's in competition with is himself.
- Can he cook?
- Unbelievably well.
And it's not showy.
Just wholesome nutritious meals.
He knows the value of a dollar
and has eyes that could light up New York.
Impressive.
That's the only word for him.
Back to you in the studio.
- Thanks Grizabella.
We now go to Paul Porridge on the scene of a home invasion
near Westchester.
Paul?
What are you seeing?
- George, it's a truly shocking scene.
It's rattled me to my very core.
In moments like this, I like to think about--
I like to think about Grant.
It calms me down.
- I think it calms all of us down Paul.
Do you have a favorite memory of Grant?
- Field is spelled wrong.
- Interesting.
I noticed that as well.
- You know these are taken directly from the scripts
so they're translated one to one
which means that the mistake must have been made by
whoever wrote this.
- I think Grant.
- Grant O'Brien?
- [Girl] I think Grant O'Brien.
- Checks out.
- Hmm.
- Here's my favorite (laughs) memory of Grant.
- I totally understand that you have to search a little bit
to recall a fond memory of Grant.
- We could grab a bottle of wine and just kinda
think this one out if you want.
- Why don't you make one up?
Why don't you just make one up?
- [Man] Sure.
- Cause that's-- - That'll be faster.
- Yeah that's gonna be faster for sure.
- Yeah just Madlibs.
It has to include soda and rice.
- My favorite memory of Grant is the viscous
ass-kicking he received minutes after this broadcast ended.
- Gosh that sounded nice.
I have to say my three favorite things about Grant
are his shameless self-promotion,
the way his head just lightly grazes the ceiling
in every room he's in.
- That's true.
- And his rampant syphilis.
- Say I'll get in on that action.
My three favorite things about Grant are height.
(laughter)
General.
- Electric.
- I just can't do this.
I'm so sorry I can't do this.
- It's okay.
It's totally understandable.
But if everyone's doing it my three favorite things
about Grant are that he is very loud.
- Yes.
- He eats a lot of wet foods.
- That's true.
- Wet and loud.
And he farts a ton.
- Truth.
- You know all of your compliments reminded me
of my favorite things about Grant.
He behaves as though he was shot forward in time
from Dust Bowl era Indianapolis.
- Yes he does. - One.
- [Man] That's true.
- He's the only human being I know
who would earnestly interject in a conversation
with the term say.
You know like an old-timey person going
say here's an idea.
And not to repeat points but height.
- Three.
- Wow.
- And what is that height?
- Nobody knows.
- Well that does it for us this week.
Clearly the winner as he is every week is Grant.
- You don't have to say that.
- But the loser who laughed the most is Rekha.
- [Girl] Really?
- Thanks for watching.
- Wow I felt like Grant was the loser.
- Grant was the loser.
You're right.
- You know what I like about Grant?
- [Katie] What? - [Rekha] Hmm?
- Nothing.
(Brennan laughs)
(music)