>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE REPORT"!
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN HERE, OUT
THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, NATION, HUGE SHOW TONIGHT!
I AM EITHER VERY HAPPY ABOUT THE EMMYS OR WONDERING WHY I WENT.
(LAUGHTER) EITHER WAY, I CANNOT WAIT TO
FIND OUT HOW I AM SO HUNG OVER.
OH, EXCUSE ME, HOLD ON A SECOND.
MY STOUFFER FROZEN DINNER IS READY!
AND, OH, KIDS! THERE'S NOTHING I ENJOY MORE
THAN EATING A NICE, HOT STOUFFER'S FAMILY-SIZE LASAGNA.
I MAY NOT BE A WHOLE FAMILY, BUT
AFTER THIS, I WILL FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT A BABY IN ME!
(LAUGHTER) AND THE REASON I'M STOUFFIN' MY
FACE IS THIS COMPANY HAILS FROM THE 78th INSTALLMENT OF MY
434 PART SERIES, BETTER KNOW A DISTRICT. TONIGHT, OHIO'S 11TH,
THE FIGHTING 11TH!
OHIO'S 11th, INCLUDES THE CITY OF CLEVELAND, FOUNDED BY GENERAL
MOSES CLEVELAND IN 1796.
AS OF 1800 THE CITY'S POPULATION CONSISTED OF ONLY
THREE MEN -- A SOCIOLOGICAL CONDITION KNOWN TODAY AS
NORTH DAKOTA.
IN 1879, CLEVELAND BECAME THE WORLD'S FIRST CITY TO BE LIGHTED
ELECTRICALLY.
RESIDENTS WERE PROUD OF THE ACHIEVEMENT, THOUGH DISAPPOINTED
TO SEE MORE OF CLEVELAND.
(LAUGHTER) THE 11th IS HOME TO THE MIGHTY
CUHAHOGA RIVER, ONCE SO POLLUTED, IT SPURRED THE
CREATION OF THE EPA AFTER CATCHING ON FIRE 13 TIMES.
AFTER THE FIRST 12 FIRES THEY REALIZED THEY SHOULDN'T TRY TO
PUT THEM OUT WITH RIVER WATER.
IN 1935, THE DISTRICT WAS THE FIRST PLACE OF ALCOHOLICS
ANONYMOUS FOUNDED BY BILL WILSON AND DR. BOB SMITH.
OH, SHOOT!
FOUNDED BY TWO GUYS.
SORRY.
(LAUGHTER) OKAY.
OHIO'S 11th IS THE HOME OF THE CAVALIERS, THE BROWNS AND THE
CLEVELAND INDIANS, A TEAM SO BAD THAT THEY ARE IN LAST PLACE AT
OFFENDING NATIVE AMERICANS.
(LAUGHTER) THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME
IN CLEVELAND ATTRACTS HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF TOURISTS TO THE
11th EACH YEAR.
THIS YEAR THE HALL INDUCTED '70s ROCK BAND KISS WHOSE
FRONT MAN GENE SIMMONS IS THE ONLY THING MORE POLLUTED
THAN THE CUYAHOGA RIVER.
AND WHO HAS THE CLEVELAND ROCKS TO REPRESENT THE DISTRICT?
IT'S NONE OTHER THAN CONGRESSWOMAN MARTHA FUDGE THE
HEAD OF THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS.
I SAT DOWN WITH REPRESENTATIVE FUDGE IN HER WASHINGTON OFFICE.
CONGRESSWOMAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME.
>> MY PLEASURE.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: TELL ME ABOUT THE FIGHTING 11th.
>> THE 11th, THOUGH MY OPINION IS PROBABLY BIASED, IS THE BEST
IN THE UNITED STATES.
WE HAVE THE BEST ORCHESTRA, THE BEST HEALTHCARE WITH THE
CLEVELAND CLINIC, UNIVERSITY HOSPITALS AND --
>> Stephen: LeBRON, AM I RIGHT?
UP TOP?
>> LeBRON.
>> Stephen: UP TOP?
YOU MUST BE EXCITED HE'S RETURNING TO CLEVELAND.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: YOU MUST BE PRETTY EXCITED WHEN ANYONE IS RETURNING
TO CLEVELAND.
>> I AM EXCITED HE'S COMING BACK TO CLEVELAND, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: YOUR DISTRICT IS HOME TO MICELI DAIRY PRODUCTS
AND YOU ALSO HOST AN ANNUAL LEMONADE STAND DAY
AND YOU WERE BORN IN YOUR DISTRICT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IS IT ACCURATE TO SAY MILK, MILK, LEMONADE,
AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE IS MADE?
(LAUGHTER) >> I GUESS, YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THAT PHRASE CAME FROM
CLEVELAND IS KNOWN FOR ITS FANTASTIC HEALTHCARE.
>> CORRECT.
THE CLEVELAND CLINIC IS THE SITE OF THE WORLD'S FIRST FACE
TRANSPLANT.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE MARTHA FUDGE?
PERHAPS SOMEONE STOLE YOUR FACE, PUT IT ON THEIR BODY AND
IS NOW HERE TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES AS MARTHA FUDGE
THE CLEVELAND CLINIC HAS MADE THAT A REALITY
>> I'VE HAD THIS FACE A LONG TIME.
A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW ME.
>> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOUR OPINION.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST GET A FRESHEN UP
OR GET A WHOLE TEAR-DOWN AND HAVE A NEW ONE PUT ON.
>> I THINK YOU LOOK FINE.
>> Stephen: I'M THINKING JUST A LITTLE, LIKE THIS.
JUST, HI! I'VE JUST BEEN SLEEPING A LOT.
(LAUGHTER) >> I THINK YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LET'S MOVE ON TO ANOTHER SUBJECT.
WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT CHILDREN FROM EL SALVADOR AND GUATAMALA
AND HONDURAS WHO ARE COMING TO OUR SOUTHERN BORDER IN DROVES?
>> I THINK WE SHOULD FOLLOW THE LAW AND THE LAW SAYS THAT WE
HAVE TO GIVE THEM A DUE PROCESS HEARING AND DETERMINE IF, IN
FACT, THEY SHOULD BE SENT BACK OR IF THEY CAN STAY IN THIS
COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: THE LAW ALSO SAYS TO PROTECT OUR BORDERS.
>> IT DOES AND WE DO.
>> Stephen: HOW SO?
THEY'RE GETTING ACROSS, TENS OF THOUSANDS OF THESE KIDS, IF THEY
ARE KIDS.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY ARE CHILDREN.
GUATEMALAIANS ARE VERY WONDERFUL BUT VERY SMALL PEOPLE
(LAUGHTER) ANY ONE OF THEM COULD BE ADULTS
WEARING A KID'S SUIT.
>> WE PUT LAWS IN PLACE FOR A REASON.
THE 2008 LAW SIGNED BY PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH NEEDS TO BE
ENFORCED.
>> Stephen: YOU FOUGHT FOR IMMIGRATION REFORM TO INCLUDE
IMMIGRANTS FROM AFRICA.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
WE TRIED THAT FOR 300 YEARS AND IT WAS TERRIBLE FOR BOTH SIDES
TO BRING ALL THOSE IMMIGRANTS OVER HERE
(LAUGHTER) LED TO A HUGE PROBLEM.
LED TO A WAR.
>> IT WAS OVER SLAVERY.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SAYING THE WAR WASN'T OVER SLAVERY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IT WAS?
BUT IT WASN'T NECESSARILY BECAUSE PEOPLE FROM AFRICA WERE
TRYING TO COME ACROSS OUR BORDERS AS IMMIGRANTS.
WE WERE BROUGHT HERE AGAINST OUR OWN WILL.
>> Stephen: WELL, HISTORY WILL BE THE JUDGE.
(LAUGHTER) SPEAKING OF PEOPLE OF COLOR.
JOHN BOEHNER.
YOU HELD HANDS WITH MITCH MCCONNELL AND JOHN BOEHNER
AND SANG WE SHALL OVERCOME RIGHT? TO COMMEMORATE THE
1964 CIVIL RIGHTS ACT
>> YES.
>> Stephen: RACISM IS OVER, RIGHT?
>> NO, IT IS NOT.
>> Stephen: HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT IF THERE WAS STILL
RACISM?
>> IT SAYS WE SHALL, AT SOME POINT WE WILL.
>> Stephen: ♪♪ WE HAVE OVERCOME. ♪♪
JOIN ME.
♪ WE HAVE OVERCOME ♪ WE HAVE OVERCOME ALBEIT
RECENTLY ♪♪ THINGS HAVE GOTTEN BETTER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU LOOK BACK AT THE MOST EGREGIOUS PART OF
RACISM, JIM CROW ERA, '50s, '60s, IS THERE ANY PART OF IT
THAT YOU MISS?
>> NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: OKAY. MAY I?
THE DRINKING FOUNTAINS.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, I DON'T THINK THERE SHOULD BE WHITE OR
BLACK DRINKING FOUNTAINS.
ANYONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DRINK FROM ANY THEY WANT.
BUT THERE WERE TWICE AS MANY DRINKING FOUNTAINS
IT WAS JUST MORE CONVENIENT, YOU KNOW.
>> I DON'T THINK DRINKING FOUNTAINS ARE THE MOST SANITARY
THING ANYWAY.
>> Stephen: SO YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THOSE
IS THAT THEY'RE UNSANITARY?
>> NO, MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT THERE WERE
WHITE FOUNTAINS AND BLACK FOUNTAINS.
>> Stephen: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO USE EITHER ONE, WHY IS IT A
PROBLEM?
>> IT RESTRICTED MOVEMENT IN OUR NATION.
>> Stephen: I AGREE. YOU AND I ARE
SINGING THE SAME TUNE HERE, ALTHOUGH WITH DIFFERENT LYRICS.
(LAUGHTER) CLEVELAND IS THE HOME TO THE
ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME. CAN YOU GET ME IN?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TWO GRAMMIES.
I HAD A BAND IN THE '80s CALLED STEPHEN AND THE COLBERTS.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THE SONG "I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU NOW, CHARLENE"
>> I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH, NO.
♪ EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, I THINK OF YOU ♪
♪ EVERY TIME I'M NEAR YOU, I THINK OF YOU ♪
♪ I THINK OF YOU WHEN I DREAM OF YOU ♪
♪ AND I'M TAKING PICTURES OF YOU ♪
♪ I THINK OF YOU WHEN I'M IN A BLIMP ♪
♪ LOOK HING DOWN FROM UP ABOVE YOU ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I'M MISSING YOU ♪ MY MIND IS KISSING YOU
♪ I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU NOW, CHARLENE ♪♪
(LAUGHTER) ♪
♪ I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU NOW, CHARLENE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN, NO ♪♪
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T RING
A BELL AT ALL?
IT DOESN'T -- >> ARE WE DONE?
PLEASE.
>> Stephen: NO, WE'RE NOT DONE!
STAY TUNED FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION OF THIS THING WE'RE
NOT DONE WITH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!