-Your next comic is a regular here at the Cellar.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Feinstein.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It's good to be here. You guys are nice.
Usually I'm uncomfortable with warmth.
I can't handle intimacy.
Like, I have to make a joke immediately after sex.
My husband will get annoyed
because I'm obsessed with those old movies from the 1950s.
So the moment sex is done, I like to be like,
"Well, I don't understand what that all had to do
with helping the children."
[ Laughter ]
"Why, golly, you said if we did all of those humiliatin' things
that it would help the war effort.
I suppose that was a lie, too."
[ Laughter ]
"Come to think of it, Wally,
I didn't need to bring my friend Connie over either, did I?"
[ Laughter ]
"She was piping mad in church the next day about what we did."
[ Laughter ]
We just got married a couple months ago.
He's a fireman, and -- [ Audience cheers ]
I mean, I think he's a fireman.
He could just be a stripper with a fireman costume.
[ Laughter ]
I haven't checked his uniform for Velcro.
I'm not sure.
[ Laughter ]
We were set up.
How insulting is this description
he was given about me?
His buddy called him up and he goes,
"How would you like to meet a semi-famous Jewish jokester?"
Have you heard a more vile collection of words?
You hear that as a man and you're like,
"You know what? I'm gonna stay in on a Friday night.
I think I'd rather do that."
That sounds like a character from "Fiddler on the Roof."
Like, "I'm selling riddles over here!"
It's like a town jester.
"You want your riddle? Ah!"
That was disgusting and I apologize.
[ Laughter ]
And then he goes, "Wait, her name is Rachel Feinstein."
I don't have a sexy name.
My name's not doing me any favors.
That's a name you hear and you're like,
"You know what? I'm gonna need to see some pictures."
[ Laughter ]
They make you do the dumbest things when you get married.
Like, they make you go to meetings
with these women with terrible voices.
We met with this woman and she goes,
"So before the ceremony, what we're gonna ask you to do --"
Like, if that's your voice, I pre-hate you.
That's an unacceptable voice. [ Laughter ]
She goes, "We're gonna do what's called a 'first look' picture.
It's such a beautiful moment where we take our groom
and we place him in front of his bride and blindfold him."
I'm like, "You're not David Copperfield.
Get over yourself." [ Laughter ]
"This is happening in a banquet hall in Staten Island."
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "And then we whip off his blindfold
for such a magical moment."
I told him I was like,
"When they take off your blindfold,
you should just be like this." [ Laughter ]
Like, "Oh, God, is that a semi-famous Jewish jokester?"
[ Laughter ]
"Show me another option."
I knew he was gonna propose, but I didn't know when.
So I was in this wild state of waiting.
I was, like, looking for a ring in my salad.
[ Laughter ]
I was just reading planes that went by.
I'm like, "Does that say 'Will you marry?'"
My friends are like, "No, bitch, it says 'Delta.'
That's a commercial flight."
[ Laughter ]
I just needed, like, a real lady in my family to take over.
Just somebody that had strong opinions about flowers.
And my mom is just too jazzy and liberal.
Like, I call up my mom and I'd be like,
"What do you do for table settings?"
And she'd just be like, "Celebrate diversity"
and hang up the phone.
[ Laughter ]
Like, a few days before the wedding,
she just called me up and she's like, "Strong women rock."
I'm like, "That's too broad right now.
It's not really helpful." [ Laughter ]
She's like, "Well, I know I'll be cutting a rug
on the dance floor
for all of those women kicking butt in Congress."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm always on board with AOC and the gang."
I'm like, "You won't be invited to the rest of the evening."
[ Laughter ]
My mom is a social worker and she works in Southeast D.C.
And her staff has been taking her to a lot of rap battles.
They think it's hilarious.
And now it's a problem for our family
because my mom has a lot of opinions about the rappers.
She's getting very cocky.
She'll be like, "I didn't like the rapper that won the battle.
I didn't think he was really from the streets."
I'm like, "You cannot sniff out the street on someone."
[ Laughter ]
"You teach low-impact aerobics. How dare you?"
[ Laughter ]
My mom thinks she's Kendrick Lamar.
It's a crisis in our family.
And she goes, "I do know street.
And I'll have you know, I'm also a very soulful dancer."
I'm like, "That's not something for you
to declare about yourself.
That's not for you to decide."
[ Laughter ]
And her dancing is one of the most confusing things
I've really ever seen.
She sort of dances like she's stirring herself.
It's just this kind of problematic frontal stirring.
And there are a lot of sideways accusatory glances.
[ Laughter ]
I did that at a show in front of her once,
and she was with a bunch of her friends,
and she goes, "Ever since you put that in your program,
now they just follow me down the hallway at work
and they just do this thing."
[ Laughter ]
She goes, "Take that one out of your talent show."
That's what she calls my stand-up -- my talent show.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you guys so much! Thank you!
[ Cheers and applause ]