- I'm pregnant.
- What?
- The father of the baby is a toilet baby C-Czar
and I don't care who knows that
except for most of the people that I know.
I don't want them to know 'cause I'm horrified by it
and very embarrassed.
- Yo, what's up, TV?
I'm C-Czar. (makes gunshot noises)
I'm about to become a teenage dad.
And now six experts are gonna teach me how to be
the one thing that I never had in my own life, a dad.
For every papa quiz I pass I get a dope ass tattoo.
Welcome to this is "Dad Academy".
Excuse me.
(triumphant band music)
Oh snap, it's a little C-Czar!
- C-Czar, you're gonna be a papa.
- I know, it's crazy, can you believe it?
- You're in my school.
- I understand that if I wanna see
the shorty making my baby I must come correct,
which I will, tiny professor.
- Bye bye. - Bye, I love you, C-Czar!
- So today I'm meeting my first dad expert,
and I'm excited but also annoyed.
- I'm The Wallet.
- Why do I call you a wallet, you just a man.
- In the structure of this show, "The Dad Academy",
I represent the wallet.
I'm the financial portion of the Dad program
and it's my job to get you financially sound today
so that you can become the good dad we know you can be.
We've brought you to a place
that you can afford on your current budget.
- Okay.
- C-Czar. - What?
- I think the results are going to shock and horrify you.
- For real? Okay. - Yeah.
- C-Czar, this is it.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Oh snap, this place is awesome!
- No, this place is not awesome.
- That's my old crate! - What?
- This my house? - That's a kennel for a dog.
- This is what I lived in
for the first two years of my life, C-Czar!
I was crate trained!
- He's calling me C-Czar.
Is that-
- I'm comfortable in here.
- That as it may be, the house is actually this way.
- Oh snap, sweet house.
Oh snap, my very own bathroom!
Let them eat cake!
Okay, this is where baby C-Czar will sleep.
Okay.
Oh snap, this is all mine? All right.
I'm gonna sign my lease.
- So C-Czar, how are you finding your...
Who wrote on the wall?
- That was here when I got here.
- Okay C-Czar, now good daddies can't be fibbers.
- I'm not being fibber.
- We need you to take responsibility for your actions.
Who wrote on the wall?
- C-Czar did.
- Which is you. I'm not gonna hit you.
- Nobody's ever acted like a dad to me before.
I guess 'cause I never had a real dad.
- I'm one of six dads, you have six dads.
- I feel like the luckiest boy in the world.
- Now I want you go out back and pull weeds for $2 and hour.
- Okay, Dad C-Czar.
- It's nothing I wouldn't ask my own son to do.
As a matter of fact, he's out there right now.
- What?
- My son Johnny-
- How could you betray me like this?
- I haven't betrayed you.
(C-Czar making shooting noises)
What's that?
- I just shot up your dill
so you can't ruin another boy's life by having more boys.
If I'm not his son 'cause he's got another son,
then I don't have to listen to him.
- My dad says pulling weeds is exercise.
- You need to stop exercising yo body
and start exercising yo mind.
You wanna hit this though? - Yeah, I'll hit it.
- How's it going with my working men, huh?
Give me that. Give it to me.
Give it to me!
C-Czar, who's is this?
- It was time to get serious.
After we had that conversation about fibbing,
I can't lie to you.
It's C-Czar's.
- Unbelievable.
You, young man, are coming with me.
- [Johnny] Give me a break.
- C-Czar, you've come a long way.
Can't thank you enough for your honesty.
Here's $2 for all the weeds. - Hey.
- We should get the families together some time
for a barbecue.
- I'd like that.
C-Czar earned those $2 today and his tattoo.
- Yay. You did it.
- Yay! - Good work.
- Thank you, tiny professor, AKA little C-Czar.
Piece of pizza!
- I have a birthday C-Czar.
- I don't know what my actual birthdays is
'cause my mom threw away my gift certificate.
- (indistinct) a different farm
(indistinct) met a farmer in a tractor then he met the-
- Straight up, I know you got a suit on
and you tricked everybody else,
but I know you a baby.
But I'm excited to be a daddy.
Who's my expert today? Where he at, kid?
- My name's Patty.
I'm a mother and a social worker,
and I'm optimistic about working with C-Czar today.
Hey C-Czar, I'm Patty.
Welcome to "Dad Academy"-
- It's so nice, another boy finally!
- I'm not a boy, I'm a woman.
- Oh okay, I'm a woman too.
Ooh, touch my vagina, touch my vagina.
- I'm not gonna do that.
This is a standard issue psychological testing doll
and this is what C-Czar is gonna be working with today.
- The (bleep) is that?
Is that Anderson Cooper?
- Why would you think this was Anderson Cooper?
- 'Cause he's white and he's got flaxen hair.
- He's white? - Yeah, that baby's white.
- A father needs to spend a lot of time with his child-
- No.
- No?
- No!
- Okay, you're gonna be in this room for four hours-
- I don't want that baby.
- Do you want to be a good father?
- No, I don't want to be a good father-
- Do you wish you had a good father?
- Yeah.
- This is gonna be your baby for the day
and you're gonna spend some real quality time with it, okay.
For C-Czar I knew that four hours was a long time.
- Everything's bolted down in here,
I can't get (bleep) out.
I'm Charles Manson. I'm Charles Manson.
I was mad angry at everything.
Why don't you stop smiling?
If you were a real baby you'd be crying,
(indistinct) your ass with (bleep).
What is infinity 'cause that's what this feels like.
- It's been two hours and I'm really proud of C-Czar.
We're halfway home.
- Aw (bleep), oh (bleep), oh (bleep), oh (bleep).
Chicken head. Bitch ass chicken head.
In hour three I was just exhausted.
Emotionally drained.
You're holding me back, baby.
You're the only one who understands what I'm going through
and yet you're the one who caused this nightmare, baby.
In hour four I fell in love with my son.
- C-Czar.
- Get the (bleep) away from me.
- C-Czar, it's me, Patty.
Congratulations, you can give that right back to me now-
- Why would I give you my baby?
- Well, it's not a real baby of course.
- Oh, you're gonna say that to his face?
What is this, "Pinocchlio"?
- I'm not calling the baby Pinocchlio,
I'm saying that why don't you give that baby a big old hug
and give it on back to me, okay.
- Okay. (yells)
It's stuck to my lip ring!
Don't, get away from me!
Get away from me, this baby's- - C-Czar, don't move.
(C-Czar yelling)
- Well, he did it and I couldn't be prouder of him.
Four entire hours,
and it seems like this challenge has been accomplished.
- Good work.
- Oh snap, did I pass?
- Happy (indistinct), (cackling).
- "Dad Academy".
I straight up socked you out, baby.
- You scary.
- Yo, fair enough.
You gave me a shot and I'm grateful for it, tiny professor.
- Don't cry, C-Czar.
- So who's today's expert? Where he at?
- (indistinct) finding ladybugs in the grass.
- I could of sworn tiny professor told me
to go to the beach for my new lesson and nobody's there.
It was our first misunderstanding.
(upbeat hip hop music)
♪ You're now rocking with the best ♪
- Sorry I'm late, C-Czar.
I'm Lactic Acid.
I'm here to get you in shape. I wanna whip you up.
You wanna be a father? - Yeah!
Pushing the stroller, taking 'em to school, soccer practice.
- I'ma make my kid proud by getting all jacked up!
- Get jacked up! - Yeah! Let's do this.
(C-Czar making shooting noises)
- No, no, no, no, no! Don't shoot the surfboard!
You got carried away.
- Yo, this crazy ass dude seems to be matching my energy.
I'm responding.
- Oh, I can handle it.
I'm dedicated to being
the best trainer I can be in Long Beach.
Wow, what am I doing? - I love it!
- You the first dad on "Dad Academy"
that I'm ready to listen to.
Let's get ripped.
- One, getting 'em a souvenir cup.
Two, getting 'em a real sugary drink.
Now switch it up.
- Paramore's like a cool band. They're great.
- Paramore coming out on tour!
If your child is giving you a hard time,
and it's gonna happen,
you're gonna have ups and downs.
Do it for your son! - You my son, (indistinct)!
- I wanna get ripped like 50 Cent.
- 50 Cent!
So C-Czar, tell me what you know about surfing.
- Surfers get crazy (bleep).
- They get chicks, they get women.
Kelly Slater was with Pamela Anderson.
- Oh snap, that old ass bitch with that crazy ass face.
- You know what, she works hard.
She does weights, she lives out in Malibu,
she cares about the ocean-
- We done, did done that dad (bleep).
- That's a lot of, where you going?
Listen to me. C-Czar! - What?
Let's do a push up.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Are you smoking?
- I don't know.
- Get that out of your face!
Son of a bitch.
♪ You say your boyfriend was a jerk again ♪
- I'm a straight up villain!
(C-Czar making shooting noises)
- You've been good all day,
and now you're beginning to act up!
I can tell by your body language that you're upset.
- I don't know how to swim.
It's just ironic because I was born in the toilet water,
and then I been done had be able to go swimming.
I feel stupid embarrassed
like that I took a dookie in my pants.
- We've all been there.
C-Czar, I took a dookie in my pants in first grade.
And they were corduroys.
Look, I'll hold your hand,
we'll walk out there and get our feet wet.
We don't have to jump in, just real easy.
(sad piano music)
Just dipping our toes in.
- It's not so bad. - It's not bad.
- All right, let's go back.
- C-Czar, there's no turning back!
(upbeat pop music)
C-Czar will remember this day
as the day that he learned to swim.
(upbeat music)
- Yo, straight up, let's get drunk, baby.
- Find your papa.
- Okay.
Yo, that tiny professor was right.
How am I gonna be a dad if I don't even know my own?
And there was only one person who knew who he was.
I found my mommy in a halfway house,
but her answer was not as simple as I had hoped.
- You got a girl pregnant?
You didn't even bring a girl over
for your mother to meet the girl
before you get her knocked up?
- I'm not allowed to see her, it's part of the show,
that's what's "Dad Academy", that's why I'm here.
- Oh that's good, that's good.
Let the dads get their own show.
I had to take care of you all by myself,
and it was the greatest moment in my life, my boy.
I'm living in a halfway house.
I'm doing great.
- Wish I could just stay here with you.
I don't wanna go back out there,
but Dad Academy says I gotta find my daddy.
- I could help you. - Really?
- Yeah, let's talk about it
but I think we should get out of here.
- But aren't we, are you allowed to leave here?
- Fortunately C-Czar is very distractable.
This is my place, okay! I own this halfway house!
Mama is doing good. - Mama's a baller, huh.
C-Czar came in a really good time for me.
Okay, watch the door, and mama's gonna go out the window.
- Wait, why are you going out the window?
Oh snap, we're straight up villains!
- [Cleo] Keep up a brisk pace.
- Yo, we outside.
Tell me who my dad is now.
- There were a lot of men, C-Czar.
I don't know who your dad is.
- Well, what about your patients, Mom?
- I am a patient, you idiot.
Oh my god, oh my god.
Baby, Mama's gotta fly.
Do whatever you gotta do. Fight 'em, C-Czar!
(C-Czar making shooting noises)
- I'm the only villain in this neighborhood!
Mom, I'm coming for ya,
I just can't run fast 'cause my pants are so low!
- [Cleo] Pull 'em up, baby!
I'm sorry I lie a little!
- It was disappointing not to know who my dad was,
but it was great to reconnect with my mom.
And that meant it was time for another sweet tattoo!
The producers said that this tattoo says
"Sort of coming to terms with my dad,"
which I almost did.
I still can't read.
Welcome- - To Dad Academy graduation.
- I'm Walter, but you know me better as The Wallet.
- Why are you talking to me like this?
- It's your graduation.
- Yo, it's graduation day.
I'm excited, I'm gonna see my baby mama.
But first I gotta get through this ceremony.
- The headmaster's done such a great job,
it's hard to remember he's a baby.
- I wanna go home!
- Cap and that weird ass bang
makes you look like a weirdo gay marina.
- Don't call me a gay marine. My mother was in the marines.
She was stationed on the USS Malibu.
Have some respect!
- You don't have to prove anything to me, C-Czar.
- I don't even remember getting any lessons from you.
- I love you no matter what. - Awesome.
- You can video games all day.
Get hooked on methamphetamines.
I still care about you.
I'm Unconditional Love.
- He's my favorite, he's my favorite.
- Well, hear me out.
Unconditional Love is just one member of your team here.
Were you to follow his advice exclusively,
it could lead you down some dangerous roads.
- Okay.
Graduations are boring.
I'm out. (bleep) you, C-Czar!
- What do you want, C-Czar? - Let's go destroy stuff.
- But I won't love you any less of you do it.
- Oh snap.
Welcome to "Dad Academy After Dark",
C-Czar's fall from grace.
- Now C-Czar needs to blow off some steam,
so I'm taking him to some rich guy's party
in the Hollywood Hills.
- Ron Funches, tiny professor,
those are two (bleep) I could trust.
- Sometimes you gotta be tested
to find out what type of man you are.
I'll take you right back.
- I'm not going back to no graduation, man.
I'm running away from that.
I don't need that kind of (bleep).
Oh snap, it's Charlie from the chocolate factory!
Jabba the slut!
Oh no, it's Kung Fu Panda!
Get the (bleep) out my way, man!
Oh snap.
What's going on, ladies?
How you feeling?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it's James Franco from "Spring Breakers".
Bro, check it.
Gosling from "Drive".
How are you?
- I don't know what you're talking about, man.
- (laughing) You're the best, dude, you're hilarious.
Hi.
Oh my god, Ron Funches, my favorite TV lawyer.
Dude, you totally rule.
- Well you're very scary to me.
- You're like a big couch. I love you.
Here's costumes from the original motion picture
"Dick Tracy", so just put those on.
We kind of got a film thing going on.
But films dead to us, so just keep that mind okay.
- I'm rejecting my TV show!
- Cool, do you want some crank?
(dramatic orchestral music)
You're the VIP of this party
and I want you to do cocaine right now.
This is terrible.
- I don't know, man, I'm about to become a father.
And now I got this TV show
and I'm supposed to graduate Dad Academy.
But I also wanna reject all those responsibilities!
- Here's what I'm hearing.
I'm angry, I'm good looking, I'm famous, let's party.
- Yeah, let's party. - Yeah, yeah.
- I don't care what The Wallet says!
- Cool. Yes! (laughing)
That was a lot.
(C-Czar groaning)
Amazing.
Yeah, good, good, good, good.
- [C-Czar] Yeah! Yeah!
- Letting C-Czar snort crank was a mistake.
- There might be a lot of movie villains in here,
but I'm the only real life villain in this party!
(C-Czar making shooting noises)
- At the point I'm not so sure
C-Czar's gonna come back to the graduation.
- [C-Czar] Oh snap, a doghouse.
Yo, let me get in that doghouse.
- No, sorry, it's taken.
- Come on!
- No, I'm in this doghouse right now, please leave.
- I'm C-Czar.
- My name is, I'm Denise. I'm just, I'm Denise.
- Can I tell you a secret? - Sure.
- I was crate trained. - Oh, that's cool.
- Yo, that's a cool Katniss costume.
- Yeah, Katniss I'm from the movie-
- [C-Czar] Yeah, from "Hunger Games".
- That's what I meant.
I miss my real clothes though.
Believe it or not, I'm not normally dressed like Katniss.
- Then why don't you go home?
- I don't know even know how to get here,
I'm not even from here.
I flew on a airplane to come meet my Aunt Elizabeth.
But she didn't even come meet me at the airport,
now I'm living in a doghouse.
- Right, it's like you can't trust adults.
- You can't crush the dolt?
- You can't trust adults.
- Oh, well yeah you can,
you just have to trust the right ones.
- Are you scared?
- I need a parent or a guardian to get me out of here.
- I wanna be wild and run away from responsibility,
but at the same time I'm like "This girl needs my help."
- I think you know what to do.
- Denise, this is my friend Ron Funches.
- Are you from the original motion picture "Dick Tracy"
starring Warren Beatty
and his girlfriend at the time Madonna?
- You're good at movies! - Thank you.
- Ron Funches, what should I do?
This poor girl needs help.
- Answer's on your arm, man.
Why you think we tattooed you?
- Making good choices, setting limits.
I'ma get you out of here, Denise.
You trust me?
- Yes, C-Czar.
- All right, Denise.
I can feel my parental instincts kicking in.
And I see a little girl in need
and I wanna straight up help you.
Because I'm a villain.
But I'm a good villain.
Saying I'm sorry is really difficult for me
'cause it's my main pet peeve.
I know I've been gone for a number of hours
but my life has really changed in that time.
I love you all
and I hope I could be a good man like you all.
- C-Czar.
- Liz.
- Oh my god, I love your golden hat.
But listen, hats aside,
I heard the note that you tied to my niece Denise.
You proved to the entire world and the television audience
that you're more than a dad.
- I love you.
- Well basically I have deep feelings for you
and I want you to know that at this point (passes gas).
At this point (passes gas).
At this point, oh my god,
I think I'm going into labor at this point.
That wasn't how the sentence was gonna end
but I do think I'm going into labor at this point.
Excuse me for one moment. - I'll come with you.
I need to push it out like a doody.
Oh my god, thank you.
(baby crying)
- Well, what is it?
- It's a toilet baby. - So I know it's mine!
- Born into the toilet. - Let's smoke blunts!
(slow piano music)
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, whoa, whoa ♪
- Hey, gorgeous. - Hi.
♪ Thank you for being my dad ♪
♪ Daddy ♪
♪ Thank you for being my father ♪
♪ I thank you ♪
(slow piano music)
(energetic dubstep music)