What is the worst movie you've ever seen?
No, I'm not talking about "Transformers 2" or "Grown Ups 2".
I mean a movie so bad, so fundamentally broken,
that it leaves a pit in your stomach,
or makes you feel frustrated and angry beyond any reasonable measure.
This is a question I have been asking myself for a while and I think it is about time I do something about it.
So I've pulled up the list of the bottom 100 lowest rated movies on IMDB
and I'm going through them one by one to find the worst movie ever.
Welcome to "The Search for the Worst".
[IHE Theme]
"Birdemic: Shock and Terror" is the worst thing in the history of anything ever.
I don't think I've ever seen a movie so cringeworthingly broken, so inept, so abundantly preachy and pathetic.
At just over an hour and 30 minutes, "Birdemic" breaks new ground in how not to make a movie.
This movie defines 'bad'.
But is it so bad, that it's good?
Well, I guess that's what you're gonna find out.
[Bloke] "Okay, let's do it."
The first four minutes of the movie are just some dude driving around in his car.
This same 10 second loop song plays for the whole thing.
Then the most unprofessional looking title card ever seen ever is shown.
Then the entire cast.
Fuck it, everyone who worked on the film.
Hey, cinematographer and editor.
That's cute.
Right off the bat, everything in the movie is wrong.
The audio editing is all over the place.
Well, I guess all the editing in general is all over the place.
No one seems to know what they're doing.
And when they're trying to do what they've been instructed, presumably by the director,
he leaves each shot hanging for so long that you just left they're baffled at what is going on.
Look.
This is the first piece of dialogue in the film.
[Waitress] "Hi."
[Bloke] "Hi."
When the first piece of dialogue is,
[Waitress] "Hi."
And it's presented like that in your movie,
you should instantly be worried.
Anyway, this bloke spots an attractive lady and immediately falls in love with her,
so he proceeds to stare her and follow her.
What...what is she doing?
Is she chewing?
Is she pretending to chew? Did no one tell her that she's allowed to chew on camera?
This is a constant problem with this fucking movie.
You can tell the director just told these
"actors"
the most vague description of what they were supposed to be doing, and then just sort of rolled with it.
It turns out Bloke here actually went to high school with Lady.
She obviously doesn't remember him and seems kind of creeped out by the whole stalking and staring thing.
Then he proceeds to ask:
[Bloke] "I was wondering if we can keep in contact."
Who the fuck talks like that?
[in an awkwardly creepy way] 'I was wondering if we could keep in contact.'
If anyone asks you that question right after staring intently at you and stalking you,
I'm pretty sure the response would be:
'Get lost, you fucking creep.'
But nope,
This is another movie that preaches the idea
that if you stalk and harass a woman you're immediately attracted to, she might magically have the same feelings
and will think you're the greatest humans who ever exist.
They exchange business cards and she hastily tries to escape, as he stands there and creepily watches her walk away.
We then cut to Bloke eating a donut and watching the news.
News so fake, so insultingly terrible, so weirdly worded...
J-just watch.
[News Anchor] "In other news, today the population of polar bears is declining rapidly due to the melting of sea ice in the Arctic."
[News Anchor] "As the sea ice melts, the polar bears are forced to move farther north."
[News Anchor] "Although some have survived many have died from starvation,"
[News Anchor] "due to the difficulty of finding enough food, such as seals."
So it's gonna be one of those movies, huh?
Jesus Christ.
So after we see Bloke drive around for a bit, fill his car with gas, get in a traffic jam, then drive a bit more,
we learn that everything is going extremely well for everyone.
And I mean literally everyone.
[Bloke] "Whoohoo!"
Bloke closes a deal for a million dollars, then his company gets bought out by Oracle.
Because movie.
And then lady gets a modeling job for Victoria's Secret.
Because movie.
None of this has any relevance to anything that follows in the later two act to the movie.
I mean, there haven't even been any birds yet.
It's all just so unbelievably boring for...40 minutes.
As well as all the exciting events that are previously described,
some random guy comes the blokes house and tries to sell him solar panels?
[Random Guy] "Hey, my name is Jerry Owens."
[Random Guy] "I'm from Solar Power Accessories."
And Bloke and Lady keep going on extremely uncomfortable dates.
They even go and see a movie.
[Bloke, wooden acting] "Man, that was a good movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth'.
I wonder if that could have been any more forced in, "An Inconvenient Truth",
a documentary about global warming.
What a romantic movie for a double date.
Then Bloke starts a business selling solar panels and gets a $10 million backing from these stupid assholes.
Now, I don't know about you,
but that PowerPoint that doesn't even fill the whole board, with a white background, a boring picture of a solar panel,
and some basic black text, really screams $10 million to me.
These businesspeople really know what's going on.
[whispered] 'Why are we doing this? Why are we here?'
Then finally before things actually start to happen there's a quick scene where Bloke and Lady are walking
on the beach and trying to talk, but the wind is too strong.
[can't hear shit because wind]
Then they see a dead CG bird.
They couldn't even afford a real dead bird for the movie.
Now that's just laziness.
There's a really terrible and awful kind of sex scene.
Wow, she has really dirty feet. Weird.
Then suddenly out of nowhere birds attack and start...
flying into buildings and blowing up?
I can't figure out if this movie's intentionally bad or not.
I-I just can't do it.
As I'm trying to describe this shit to you it's only just dawned on me...
What if this is just some kind of elaborate joke?
A movie that was purely made to make people like me, who criticized it for sucking ass,
look like stupid assholes.
But everyone seems so clueless and innocent.
So innocent, in fact, there are an abundance of other elements that make this whole movie much more interesting.
I mean, look at this.
This is the official website for the production company, from the dude who made this movie.
Th-this...it can't be serious. C-can it?
And apparently, as well as this film taking four years for the director to make,
The main lady took over the job as makeup artist
because the two hired makeup artist quit after the first two weeks of filming.
You just can't make this shit up.
Let's talk about the main bloke in this movie.
He's amazingly atrocious.
[Bloke, whispers] "Yes."
He's so uncomfortable being on camera that everything he says sounds like he's straight-up reading off the script.
Heh,
as if this movie has a script.
Here are a couple of my favorite lines of his.
[Bloke] "Cut the big fish."
[Other Bloke] "Yeah? How big was the sale?"
[Bloke] "$1 million."
[Bloke, extremely wooden acting] "Wow, congratulations."
[Bloke] "I think you'll look great in those lingerie."
[Bloke] "I like sales. It fits my personality."
[Bloke] "You're right. He is cute. So you're cats lover."
[Bloke] "Besides, I love my Mustang, which is a plug-in hybrid."
[Bloke] "It gets 100 mpg."
[Bloke, wooden surprise] "What in the world?"
Let me go on to the infamous coat hanger scene,
where they tried to fight birds with, uh...
well, coat hangers.
[Random Dude] "And here they come!"
Supposedly they originally plan to use shower rods to defend the birds off,
but the motel they were filming at didn't have any.
But they did have coat hangers!
[Random Dude] "We need something to protect ourselves."
[Random Dude] "Use these to-"
[Random Dude] "Here you go."
You know what, this whole is just fucking boring.
Forget just the first act, the whole thing is.
I'm trying to describe the events of this movie, but it's so fucking repetitive and stupid.
They drive to a place, birds attack, someone dies, and then they do it again 40 trillion times.
Actually, there are two notable scenes, come to think of it.
One where there's randomly a doctor just standing on a bridge,
who then proceeds to preach about global warming and fossil fuels.
[Scientist] "But there is scientific evidence to show that because of our burning of fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gases,"
[Scientist] "which is causing global warming."
[Scientist] "It's raising the temperature of the seas and..."
[Scientist] "and species, like the krill, are dying.
And for no reason at all, just to enforce the weird environmental agenda this movie has, he says:
[Scientist] "I'm not worried about black birds. They're not the dangerous animal."
[Scientist] "It's the human species that's dangerous, menacing, and terrifying animals."
[Scientist] "Because of this fossil fuel-related activities it's causing global warming, it's killing life and Earth itself."
[AIR HORNS]
This is, from now on, what I'll refer to as a...
"fuck this movie" moment.
The official moment the official moment, scene, or bit of dialogue, where the movie loses everything.
Any shred of entertainment value is gone.
All hope for the universe is crushed in a single awful fragment.
That's a "fuck this movie" moment.
Haha, that's not it either, folks.
The main characters end up in a forest, for no reason.
Where, I shit you not,
a tree hugger hippie asshole, who lives in a tree like an Ewok, shows up.
[Tree Hugger Hippe Asshole] "That's my house."
Does yet another speech about global warming.
And then, because the director had no idea how to end this scene and move on,
a mountain lion appears so they will have to run away.
No, really. Th-that really happens.
[Tree Hugger Hippie Asshole] "I-I-I hear a mountain lion. I gotta get back to my house and you better get back to your car."
[Tree Hugger Hippie Asshole] "It was very nice meeting you."
[Bloke, barely audible behind lion growls] "You too."
So then finally, we get to the end scene.
The most exciting scene in the movie.
Where bloke happens to find a fishing rod and a stove in the back of their van.
[Bloke, more wooden acting] "Look, a fishing rod."
[Bloke, more wooden acting] "I can go catch some fish."
[Bloke, more wooden acting] "Oh, look a stove."
[Bloke, more wooden acting] "We can cook it."
They catch a fish, cook it with some seaweed,
but then the kids they rescued earlier want a happy meal, so they just don't eat any of it,
and run away because birds chase them.
Then doves appear for some reason, but then all the birds just fly off into the horizon and the movie ends.
You know the way birds piss and shit at the same time?
Well, "Birdemic" is like an awful, shitty, pissy puddle of bird piss shit with some smelly eggy mess left in it.
It's awful.
So, so awful.
Look, I hate this movie with every being of my soul, but is it the worst of the worst?
You know what?
I-i-it just isn't.
It's terrible, boring, unintentionally creepy and weird, badly edited, has no subtlety,
and it's completely heavy-handed with it's stupid messages.
But there is something about this movie, something mesmerizing, something uniquely shitty about it
"The Oogieloves" was painful,
so was "3 Ninjas" and "Foodfight!".
I got nothing from those movies
But this, I had a few laughs from this.
It's kind of short and it it's just feeble.
So pitiful.
I feel sorry for this movie like an abandoned old mother needs to be out back
and shot to be put out of his misery.
But I don't care enough to take "Birdemic" out back to shoot it.
And guns are illegal in the UK, so fuck it.
[Canny American Accent] And up next in "The search for the Worst" is...
You have got to be kidding me.
So there it is folks,
"Birdemic...Shock and Terror"...
What a piece of diarrhea bird shit.
So what do you think?
Do you like the video or like the movie? Or...
Do you like the birds?
Tell me in the comments below.
And as always, thanks for watching.
All comments and ratings are appreciated.
I'll see you next time.
BYE.
[whispered] 'Fuck everything about this movie.'
[whispered] 'Everyone needs to die in a horrible fire.'
[whispered] 'I fucking hate you and everyone.'
[whispered] 'Please kill me now. I hate you all.'
[whispered] 'I like "Pingu", the TV kids show.'