- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't
know what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News!
- Welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Glumbo Dumberson.
- And my name is (Scream).
- [Kellen] Our top story tonight: hot dogs.
Today the FDA announced that hot dogs
are made of human flesh.
- According to the FDI, we just
inspected hot dogs and (Tao snickers)
it turns out they're made of people.
They've been people this whole time.
- It should have been obvious that hot dogs aren't beef
because hamburgers are beef and hamburgers are brown.
Hot dogs are red.
Red is a different color than brown.
Red is the color of human flesh.
- But don't worry.
The FDA said the hot dogs are still totally safe
and you should keep eating them.
- Hot dogs are delicious and they're super cheap.
If you enjoyed hot dogs before
you knew they were made of human corpses,
it would be silly to stop eating now.
Meat is meat!
- Did the FDA say where the
dead people in hot dogs come from?
- Yes, apparently (laughs) apparently
the hot dog industry and the graveyard industry
have been conspiring together.
All the coffins buried in graveyards are empty
and the dead bodies are sent to the hot dog factory.
- Mmm, interesting.
- Turning to our next story,
"Check your house to see if you own any dildos
because a massive product recall has just been declared
for millions of dildos nationwide."
Our chief dildo (Kellen snickers)
correspondent Haunch Toodles
is live outside the headquarters at Dildotech Incorporated,
the company that issued the recall.
- Thanks (Scream).
Dildos were created to help humanity,
but these dildos did the exact opposite.
It's shocking to think that so many people
have been hurt, so many lives shattered,
all by something as innocent as a dildo.
- But we're told the dildos were
pretty good at being dildos.
They worked great at doing the sexy stuff.
- Yes, the dildos did a good job
at their intended purpose of
of poking people in their sin zones.
Nobody got injured in their butt
or in their groin, that was fine.
The dildos are bad because of unrelated problems
that have nothing to do with sex.
- I have a list of (breaks)
all the dildos being taken off shelves.
When I say the product name, (Kellen snickers)
can you tell me the non-sexual reason it was recalled?
- Okay, but remember, despite being PG-13 rated,
these dildo problems are still very horrific.
I warn everyone, when you hear these dildo problems,
you will probably scream and puke and puke and scream
and puke and puke and scream and puke and puke
and scream and scream and puke and scream.
- Mmm, all right. Here are the dildo names.
First up is the Dowager's (laughs) Preference.
What was wrong with it?
- Well, the Queen blessed it and therefore
it could only work on the Queen herself.
- So the Queen blessed it.
Okay. Boston Jamboree? (Kellin snorts)
- Well, that was just a racist dildo.
(laughter offscreen)
- Interesting. Makes sense.
The Eviscerater?
- Well surprisingly, it's a misnomer.
The Eviscerater actually was too soft for sexual pleasure.
Now that's a sexual reason.
The non-sexual reason is that it's made of lead.
- Aw, no, I own the Eviscerater.
It's my favorite dildo.
- Okay, well then you should probably get your
regions checked for lead poisoning.
- And finally, the Gary Sinise Official Licensed Dildo.
- Oh, this is the worst one yet.
It only yells Lieutenant Dan lines when you're using it,
so if you don't want that being yelled
into your anus or whatever other regions
(laughs) that you would use a dildo.
- What are the other regions?
- You know, a potential vagina--
- A potential vagina?
(Kellen laughs)
- Yes.
- And so on.
Your ears, I don't know.
- Everyone in America is praying
that dildos never mess up like this again.
Thanks for that story, Haunch.
- Back to you (Screams).
- Now we turn to finance reporter Mr. Money,
who is at Wall Street with the latest info
about Stock Market stuff.
- Hello and good tidings.
I am Mr. Money, and I will share
my money secrets with you.
- Stocks and bonds, that's what we're here for.
Lay it on us, baby.
- Joy, joy! Joyous joy!
I am pleased to say stock market is up!
Economy is big!
Oh so big, huge economy.
Economy is big and swollen, like a large blister.
Soon blister will pop, and the inside of the blister?
The blister juice is money.
- How are the numbers?
- Oh, these numbers.
Oh wow, wow, wow.
The stock market numbers today are so good.
Guess what? We're all rich now.
(applause)
- [All] Huzzah! Huzzah!
We're all rich now!
- Now that I am rich, I'm going to divorce my children
and send them to the orphanage.
- I am going to spend millions of dollars to hunt a lion.
And then I'll pose with the lion's dead body
and post the photo online,
so everyone on the internet will hate me
and doxx my address.
And then I'll get death threats mailed to my house,
which is what I want.
- Mr. Money, now that you are rich,
what will you do with all your money?
- Oh, I have big plans for my money.
Here are the ten luxurious things
I plan to do with my Wall Street fortune.
Number one, buy a house.
(Tao snickers)
Number two, furniture for the house.
(offscreen laughter)
Number three, cool wallpaper for the house.
Number four, fill up everybody
on my block's gas tank.
Charity work, if you will.
Number five. - You got six more.
- Food. Just a lot of food.
Number six, some sort of clothing, you know.
Number seven...oh my God.
Like a garden?
(laughter)
For the house. - Just one?
- [Kate] Number- just one.
And then eight, some sort of vegetable salad and then--
- I thought you already had food.
- [Kate] And then number nine--
- You bought food and you have a garden?
- [Kate] Yes.
And then I have a vegetable salad.
Number nine, an extra garage.
(coughs) And then number ten, just, you know, a trip.
A vacation!
- Nothing for your coworkers or anything?
- Nope.
- Wonderful, those are great plans.
- Oh no, oh no. Terrible news!
The numbers, the numbers are down!
The stock market is destroyed!
The economy is over!
We're all poor now!
- Oh well, the economy was good while it lasted.
And that's also the end of our show.
For Breaking News, I'm Glumbo Dumberson.
- And I'm (Scream)!
- Before we go, we have one last announcement.
This week's loser who just couldn't
hold it together is me!
Kellen Schnieder! Hooray!
- I thought your name was Glumbo?
- Yup.
- Thanks for watching. (Zac laughs)
- That's my line, you soulless worm!
- Thanks for watching!
- Thanks for watching. - [Kellen] Oh my God.
- Thanks for watching.
- I will say it!
- [Both] Thanks for watching.
(offscreen laughter)