We're here with Brad and Rachel, a happily married couple,
and we're talking to them about having
different parenting styles for their three children.
And I'm here with my good friend and parenting expert
and child behavioralist Dr. Elisa Pressman.
When we went out of commercial break,
one of the things that we were talking about,
was that you guys have different styles.
And one of the things I found,
is such a pitfall is the weak have to have a united front.
And what's so difficult about that
is you are two individuals who are expected
to become one person, one mentality.
And I find that the difficult thing about that is
if you try to conform to someone else,
eventually you will lose yourself.
And I believe it is human behavior
that we will inevitably fight to become ourselves again,
which usually means we're gonna have to distance
from the other person.
So if you guys want to stay connected,
is there ever gonna be a day
where you guys can get to a place where you celebrate
each other's different styles?
I think that's a really great way to look at it.
I don't think before we,
have been speaking with you that that was something
that we felt like was even an option.
Looking at it from that perspective
and him being one style and me being another,
and that being okay,
I think is probably the only way to move forward without
eventually going separate ways.
Yeah, I think that's a great point.
Elisa, what do you think?
What a great place to come to
to honor the fact that you each come from different places
and there's a benefit
to knowing that Mom is a particular way
and Dad is a particular way.
Kids are very smart and they'll just kind of learn
who to go to for certain things.
And that's totally okay.
It's funny, 'cause sometimes Elisa,
we did like a design thing together recently
and she was talking about how kids,
like have a literally a different eye perspective.
Who knows if your kids see you Rachel, as the bad cop.
And they may look at their dad and see this
very bigger than life figure and be slightly intimidated.
And you might be this cozy, safe person.
And Elisa is right.
If you lay down the law
and you are full of their boundaries,
it does not drive your children away.
They do actually feel a sense of safety
from those boundaries,
which I was terrified of for years
that it turns out it's true!
Yeah, that's really something for me
to grab a hold to and take comfort in.
Rachel, what is like,
ideally your favorite healthy snack?
Oh gosh.
I like to hit all the major food groups.
How long do you have?
(laughing)
Let's go back to a basics nutrition course.
I like to do a protein, a carb and a fat.
And so ideally a whole food from each of those categories.
Okay.
And Brad, what are you giving the kids?
Fruit snacks, Nutter Butters every once in a while.
You know, things that we have on hand usually.
Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad.
Look, I'm like both of you.
I've got to be, I'm a single mom,
I understand.
I'm two people in one.
I think that you're both right.
And I think we both tried to do...
By the way I just talked about myself.
We both, okay?
Do you see what I'm saying?
The two of me, huh, why, how dare you?
I'm doing good!
No you're not! (laughing)
There's that style of parenting too.
Look, I get it.
We're all just trying to do the best we can.
And if we try to find that pretty little middle
within ourselves.
Yes, what, no.
Then, I think life will be a little bit easier.
You guys really have an energy about you that's loving.
And I think if kids also see conflict
or differences or different styles,
but they know you can figure out how to resolve it,
they're gonna figure out that they can go through life,
which is never without its conflicts
and know that they can resolve things too.
Elisa?
Yes.
Yes. It's not that we want to hide conflict from kids.
It's just that we want to finish the story.
Like we've got this guys.
We're not in agreement here,
but this is how we resolve it
because then you'd get to your 20s
and you'd fight with someone and think,
"I guess this is it then.
"I've never seen a fight before."
I know. You know?
Oh please, my parents split before I was born.
And I was like,
every time someone would say goodbye, I'd be like,
"Where are you going?!
"To the grocery store?
"You have to make a big deal out of this goodbye,
"it could be the last time!"
It's not supposed to be sad, I'm great.
Actually, everything that happened in my life
has led me to be a really strong person.
And I think that these are some of the most interesting,
exciting, fun, and important conversations to have in life
because we are all trying to navigate relationships.
And when it comes to our kids, it's just such high stakes.
So the stress is totally natural.
Drew, we want to give you
the honorary title of Doctor.
I mean, you're doing really great.
This is awesome. (audience applauding)
Really?
Yeah, you have lots of great quotes.
Oh my God, thank you.
Well, here's my truth.
Is that I have learned from such smart people,
like this woman who's sitting right here,
but really I thank you guys for trusting us enough
to come and tell your story
and share your experiences with us.
And you guys seem to really love each other.
And it's nice to have that hope, you know?
Because couples fighting,
it's so tense and scary for all of us.
And so when you see someone who,
you guys do really like each other,
you do really love each other.
And we're gonna figure this out.
(audience cheering)
Well, it was an honor.
It was an honor to be here with you.
And honestly, seriously,
being completely honest, I think this conversation
is changing the trajectory of how,
things have been so heavy lately.
And part of it is our kids' ages
and we're in the thick of it for sure.
But if we can't figure out how to co-exist as parents,
then I don't know.
And I think, having like this outside view
of our parenting style and our relationship looking in,
and you guys tell it to us how it looks.
Saying we're both right
and saying that you can tell we love each other is
I don't know.
We needed this, this was awesome.
Totally. I'm so glad.
And Elisa, can you also tell them
the thing about the dinner table?
Because I, we all try to do that same thing.
Like, it's like,
"Oh, hi, cue the Norman Rockwell painting.
"Aren't we pretty?"
You get like 10 minutes from a two year old.
Definitely set the tone.
We're gonna have our nice dinner conversations,
but for 10 minutes.
And then every time they have a birthday,
add a little bit of time,
but you're not gonna get a long,
it's never gonna happen.
So you're just gonna have tension
and you want meal time to be fun.
I just really want to thank you guys again.
And thank you Elisa.
I love you. Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you to everybody watching.
(upbeat music)