The entire time I knew him,
he only ever had one goal.
To wipe out half the universe.
The left half.
If he gets all the Infinity Stones...
Nobody move!
I dropped a stone.
...he can do it with the snap of his fingers.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Are you one of those people who can't snap their fingers?
No. My hands are just greasy.
Tell me his name again.
Fanos.
I thought it started with a "T".
It does.
Say it again.
Fanos.
Are you saying "Fanos"?
With an "F"?
No, I'm saying "Fanos".
OK, all I'm hearing is "Fanos".
Well you're crazy because I'm saying "Fanos"!
OK, so you can't snap your fingers, you can't say "Thanos"...
There's a lot of things I can do!
You've just happened to stumble across my two disabibble-ies.
Well done to you.
I am sorry, Vis.
It is too distracting.
We have to get it removed.
Don't worry - they assured me it is a painless procedure.
Either I've finally hit puberty... or...
Oh my god!
The Chrysler building looks so majestic this morning!
Oop. We're in trouble.
That giant Froot Loop looks just as scary when it's completely out of focus.
Hey, Pete.
So you're Spider-Man, huh? That's cool.
Dang it!
Oh, MJ - You can't tell anyone, OK?
Trust me.
I won't "say" a word.
What's that sound?
Nothing.
I gotta go.
My spider fingers!
Engage all defences.
Close the back fence also.
And get this man a shaving kit.
Welcome back, Captain America.
I'm not Captain America anymore.
Oh I heard about this.
You are "Nomad", yes?
No.
I am...
Captain Amish!
And I now use my superhuman strength to raise barns
and churn unprecedented quantities of butter.
So I can't help you save the world,
but if you want something to spread on your bread, give me a call.
Oh wait - I don't have a phone.
Hey Thanos,
want to get stoned?
No, Loki!
Don't bow to peer pressure!
Bow to skull pressure!
Like sooooo!
Who's got the Tesseract cracker?
Thank you.
Oh, goodie.
I was hoping I'd get this one.
Who the hell are you three?
"Three"?
There's six of us.
Fool, are you blind?!
Of course I can only see half of you - I've lost an eye!
That makes no sense.
Who said that??
SHOW YOURSELF, SORCERESS!
We got one advantage:
He's coming to us.
Which means we save on travel expenses, visas, parking...
Plus, we have what Thanos wants, so we can name our price -
six thousand, eight thousand...
And then there's postage and handling, sales tax, finder's fee...
We're looking at a cool twenty G's.
Easy.
Aren't you... like, a billionaire?
How do you think I became one?
Selling weapons to terrorists.
No. Common mistake.
It was swindling intergalactic supervillains.
OK, your plan sucks.
Let me do the plan, cos I once came up with 12% of a plan and I saved a whole plan-et!
I figure, 30% of plan...
should be enough to save the universe.
Um... that's some questionable math, Peter.
Shut up, Peter!
Quick question: how do you pronounce your name?
Is it "Thainoss"? Is it "Thainose"?
Is it "Thanoss"? Is it "Fanoss"?
Or is it...
"The Anus"?
No one's... called me that since...
Hey look everyone - it's "The Anus"!
Check out his proctology glove.
Oh look - he's so embarrassed he's turning pink!
I'm not The Anus anymore!
YOW!!!
Wrong... hand!
Oh hey, "Iron Spider".
Mr Stark?
What... are you wearing?
Well, you stole the last of my iron so I guess I'm "Lycra Spandex Man" now.
See this?
That's on you.
Speaking of name changes,
I'm not Black Widow anymore.
I'm Blonde Homewrecker.
I'm seeing all these guys.
STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!
I can't.
It's my character now.
I wuv you, Fanos.
Don't touch me - you're just a publicity stunt.
Still less painful than botox!
Shhh.
Soon your skin will be as smooth as mine!
Paper... covers... rock!
I FORGOT ABOUT PAPER!!!
I'm Peter, by the way.
Doctor Strange.
Oh. We're using our made-up names.
In that case, I am...
Professor Queer.
No wait - that doesn't work.
Um... I am...
Professor...
Unusual...
But... Unusual In A Way That Is...
Mysterious...
And Dangerous...
And...
Attractive...
To...
Girls.
PHD.
Just rolls off the tongue.
Yeah!
"The two people who make these videos
have absolutely not forced us to do this call to acting".
"Call to ACTION".
OK, here's the plan:
We ask them to subscribe to the channel,
and that way, we can go back to guarding the galaxy.
We see you up there, by the way!
You're not fooling anybody.
I... am...
Groot!
[THANOS] Arh!!
Something just bit me.
That... really stings!
I'm feeling light-headed.
I should have sprayed... myself...
before I went outside.
[THUD, UN-SHRINK NOISE]
[WASP] "Wasp" up, Thanos?
Ugh.
I need to get a better catchphrase.