- [Interviewer] Okay. There is no other way
I'd rather be spending my Sunday
than asking Michelle Wolf 73 questions.
- Oh good!
- [Interviewer] Alright!
Let's do this.
How do you feel about me arranging
this interview on a Sunday?
- Well I was gonna have to work
on my new show anyway. So, might as well do this too.
- [Interviewer] And that's why we're here,
at this nondescript building in Hell's Kitchen.
- [Interviewer] Let's check it out.
So Michelle, besides this interview
what is the best part about your day today?
- I mean, these sneakers are pretty great.
- [Interviewer] And can you give your fans
a taste of what the show's about?
- It's called The Break and it's on Netflix
and its gonna be lots and lots of fun.
- [Interviewer] Okay.
Now how's it different than all those other shows?
- I would say more jokes, less commercials.
- [Interviewer] Fair enough.
Now, what's the secret to comedy?
- Honesty, originality and punchlines.
- [Interviewer] Love it.
- John, I'm gonna show these guys the studio.
- Absolutely, just give me
two minutes. - Thanks.
- [Interviewer] What's your best quality, Michelle?
- Probably that I'm never satisfied.
- [Interviewer] What's your worst trait?
- Probably that I'm never satisfied.
- [Interviewer] I heard a rumor
that you're shy? Is this true?
- What me?
- [Interviewer] What would you be doing
if you weren't doing comedy?
- Well, when I was five, I wanted
to be a bulldozer lady, so whatever that is.
- [Interviewer] What's the hardest thing
that you've ever done?
- Wilson.
- [Interviewer] What's Wilson?
- Oh sorry I did a who's the hardest thing you've
ever done?
- [Interviewer] Michelle, Michelle --
keep it clean,
Please keep it clean.
So this is my workout for the day...
did I hear that you ran an ultra marathon recently?
- I did, 50 miles.
- [Interviewer] Impressive.
What's the most interesting thing
about running a 50 mile ultra marathon?
- Probably that you don't understand it unless you do one.
But also, there's a ton of bananas,
and that is not a sexual innuendo.
- [Interviewer] What's the most interesting thing
about how life changes when you're famous?
- Way more sunglasses, even when it rains.
- Here are the drafts you asked for.
- Thanks Aliza.
- [Interviewer] Alright. What are those drafts?
- Oh, new jokes for this week.
- [Interviewer] Oh. So cool.
- Welcome to my office.
You can tell it's mine because
there's a sign on the door that says so.
- [Interviewer] And this is a really, nice office.
Looking good. It's great.
- It's been a lot of people's,
John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, come on.
- [Interviewer] So can you describe for me
your creative process when you have
to write a bunch of episodes?
- Well you write as many drafts as you can
and then you try to beat those jokes.
- [Interviewer] And what makes a perfect joke?
- I think something you didn't know you wanted to hear.
- [Interviewer] Mmmm. When'd you first start telling jokes?
- I don't know, probably when I was little
trying to impress my brothers and then it didn't
and they punched me or something.
- [Interviewer] Now what do you hate
about comedy, right at this moment?
- Claptor and pandering.
- [Interviewer] What's the coolest thing on your desk?
- Well, clearly I take a lot of beverages.
But these two are my favorite. My nephews painted them.
- [Interviewer] Wow. Artistic.
- Yeah, until you realize their both 39.
- [Interviewer] Alright, now it has been 22 days
since the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
I'm sure you're very familiar with it.
How does this experience feel in hindsight?
- Great.
I was maybe too nice.
- [Interviewer] And what was your favorite joke?
- I liked all of them but my favorites were the ones
that I actually cut. And now they're in a vault.
- [Interviewer] Wow can I see those?
- Someday.
- [Interviewer] Alright, I'll wait.
What was your first reaction when you learned
the president would not be in attendance?
- What a pussy.
- [Interviewer] How do you describe
telling jokes to people's faces like that?
- So much more fun, you can feel them be mad.
- [Interviewer] Michelle would you
ever do that experience ever again?
- Will anyone ever do it again?
- [Interviewer] Good question.
- [Woman] Studio's ready. - Ah, great!
- [Interviewer] Okay, so, what are you
completely done talking about now?
- The Correspondents' Dinner.
- [Interviewer] Yes you are.
- [Interviewer] If your life were a hashtag,
what would it be?
- #TheBreakNetflix
- [Interviewer] Okay, Michelle can you have
your assistant here ask a question?
- Aliza can you please ask me a question?
- Would you like some coffee?
- Always.
- [Interviewer] Michelle, how would you
describe yourself in three nouns?
- Bad at grammar.
- [Interviewer] How would your peers
describe you in three adjectives?
- Loud, loud, oh my, for the love of God, you're so loud.
- [Interviewer] What's--
- Do you want a snack?
- [Interviewer] Yes please, thank you.
What's the funniest thing in the world to you?
- I love those cats who wear like pirate costumes and
it makes it look like they're walking
on their legs with their arms flailing.
- [Interviewer] What, what's your best accent?
- Whatever this weird Central Pennsylvania twang I have is.
- [Interviewer] Okay. And what's your worst accent?
- Literally the rest of them, but probably
Australia's probably the worst one.
Put those shrimp on the barbie.
Oh wait, actually that was so good,
you thought you were down under didn't you?
Amazing.
- [Interviewer] Thought I was there.
In Sydney.
Okay, when were you most starstruck?
- The other day I literally almost ran into Oprah.
I turned a corner of my head,
her boobs, it was almost a whole thing.
- [Interviewer] Who would you love to have a beer with?
- Queen Elizabeth the First.
- Not only does she have red hair,
she's also always been single
and she like ruled the whole world.
She's pretty amazing.
- [Interviewer] Okay this is a random one,
but who would you drive past, even
if they were stranded on a desert highway?
- I would say any man I don't know personally
and a lot of the men I do.
- [Interviewer] Okay so I noticed you have some, press
over here. What's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said?
- I mean Letterman complimented me which was super cool.
- [Interviewer] Alright, do you pay attention to critics?
- Only the one in my head, which is way worse
than anything anyone can say about me.
- [Interviewer] And how would you describe
your comedy style?
- Full of jokes.
[Interviewer] Okay. Where's the best place
in the world to do standup?
- Comedy Cellar, of course.
- [Interviewer] Favorite city to perform in?
- Other than New York, either San Francisco,
Denver, or Madison, Wisconsin.
Madison is so beautiful but you
gotta pace yourself on the cheese.
- [Interviewer] Who is the most underrated comic right now?
- Joe List.
- [Interviewer] And what should aspiring comedians avoid
in their careers? - Thanks Jon.
- [Don] You're welcome.
- Being lazy.
- [Interviewer] Alright, ladies and gentlemen this is it!
- Look at this place!
- [Interviewer] Michelle Wolf has arrived.
- It's amazing!
- [Interviewer] How does it feel?
- Overwhelmingly great.
- [Interviewer] Amazing. Can I take a shot
of you right behind your desk?
- Yeah of course. Come on. - Perfect.
Okay, now from working on other shows,
what lessons have helped prep you for your own?
- Never settle.
- [Interviewer] This is gonna be a good shot.
Here we go. say something on three.
One, two, three.
- Smokey eye.
- [Interviewer] What's made you the most proud?
- HBO special.
- [Interviewer] Yeah your HBO special's called "Nice Lady."
Do you consider yourself to be a nice lady?
- Not at all.
- [Interviewer] Now you had a character
called Grown Up Annie.
Where is she now?
- She's a member of Trump's cabinet,
she's actually the most qualified person that works there.
- [Interviewer] What's the difference between Michelle Wolf
the performer and Michelle Wolf the person?
- We're pretty much the same. I start all my conversations
with, "You guys hear about this?" My friends hate me.
- [Interviewer] What do you hope for yourself
five years from now?
- Um, to be better than I am now.
- [Interviewer] What do you hope for America five years
from now?
- To be less racist.
Come on guys. Try like a little.
- [Interviewer] What does it mean to be an American today?
- Always having to say, "I am
so sorry about that. Oh so sorry."
- [Interviewer] What does it mean to be a woman today?
- Conflicting.
It's like, do you post a picture of your naked butt
or do you become a scientist,
Can you do both of those things?
Are we even allowed to discuss this?
- [Interviewer] What does it mean to be an American female
comedian today?
- I mean, for me, pretty great.
- [Interviewer] Yeah, this worked out well for you.
Okay. Now you've worked in biochemistry,
can you tell me something biochemical,
that I most likely will not understand?
- Okay, get ready, it's exciting.
Did you know that molecular dynamics can be used
to study proteins, enzymes and kinases?
Oh my god.
- [Interviewer] The more you know.
Now you worked on Wall Street--
- Mm-hmm. - Can you give me a metaphor
for working on Wall Street, in circa 2008?
- Yeah it's like being a violin player
on the deck of the Titanic and then get rescued
by a carnival cruise ship, that was paid for by taxpayers.
- [Interviewer] On that note... it's time
to wind down this interview.
Michelle, what's a video in the past week
that you've not been able to stop watching?
- Ah, Sydney McLaughlin winning the
400 meter hurdles at SEC.
You guys, she's a phenom!
- [Interviewer] Now if you look
into your imaginary audience, who's the one person
that you'd love to see the most?
- Oh my god, if there was a bunch of otters
holding hands, I would lose it.
- [Interviewer] And who's your musical sidekick
for your show?
- Oh, we got DJ Jerzy. He's one
of the best DJ's in all New Jersey.
- [Interviewer] What's style of song are
you most likely gonna be walking out to?
- Something upbeat and fun and sort of hip hop,
that's probably way too cool for me.
- [Interviewer] What three people
would you invite to a dinner party, dead or alive?
- Well Queen Elizabeth the First,
'cause I already brought her back
and she doesn't have any other friends.
Carol Burnett and Ina Garten.
- [Interviewer] How do you know when you've nailed
a performance?
- When Dennis Miller gives you notes about it.
- [Interviewer] Alright, and last question
I have for you is,
what is your favorite punchline?
- No dice, squirrel man.
- [Interviewer] Okay. That concludes our interview
Michelle Wolf-
- You guys, you can't conclude
an interview without going through an alarm door.
- [Interviewer] Are you sure about this?
- Bye bye!
-[Interviewer] No, I can't.