This is seven things that your addicted loved one is going to say to you to convince you that
they don't have a problem and of course all of these are just manipulation tactics which
is why I want you to be able to identify them and know exactly what's happening
when you hear them for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down
I'm Amber Hollandsworth and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand
science and psychology of addiction so you can get your family and your life back on track get
back out there and live the life that you want to live I want you to know you are not powerless you
do not have to hit rock bottom and there are many things you can do to help an addicted loved one
if you want to be back in control of your life subscribe to this channel and I'll make sure
you are always five steps ahead of addiction
and don't forget hit the little bell if you want access to the bonus episodes
alright number one your loved one is very likely going to tell you something along the lines of
everyone does it I'm not nearly as bad as
all those people at the meeting those people at that treatment center you took me to
my brother Jake your uncle Lonnie it's just not that bad I don't even do it every day
I'm going to call that the it's not as bad as you're making it out to be
manipulation tactic and often this second one goes hand in hand with
the first one it's like a double whammy they will probably give you both at the same time
that little second piece of that goes something like you are just so up tight
like I don't know why you worry about this so much you used to go drink with me you used to be fun
what happened to you this is kind of a gas lighting manipulation technique it's
a way of saying it's not me it's you you're the crazy one not me
what's wrong with you why are you so controlling why are you so uptight
why are you different now if you've heard these kind of things before and you want to know how
to deal with manipulation tactics I am gonna put the link in the description so you can download my
quick manipulation guide which kind of goes over the the different types of manipulation really
quickly and gives you some hints and pointers on how to deal with things like gaslighting
you'll be able to find that in the description along with lots of other
really great resources now up next number three is well I quit for 30 days last year
what kind of alcoholic can quit for 30 days or I'll prove it to you I'll quit for two weeks
or I quit for a whole year one time so they'll point out times when they didn't use at all
for weeks or months or maybe even years at a time
the thing of it is is this isn't really evidence that a person doesn't have a
problem quite honestly this manipulation tactic is one that the person is very likely not just using
on you but using to convince themselves that they don't have an addiction issue
it's very common for someone who thinks they might have an addiction issue
to try to go for time periods without in fact One of the actual criteria
for diagnosing substance use disorder is failed attempts to control stop or cut back
now that doesn't mean that they can't stop for periods of time but when they are using
they don't control it well a better way to look at what addiction is it's more like
having trouble controlling once you start so just because someone's had
periods of sobriety doesn't mean they don't have a problem
now number four they might say trust me I learned my lesson that was horrible that will never happen
to me again what they're really saying is kind of like well I just needed that one little lesson
and now I've moved on and I'm not going to let that happen again but oftentimes
the person doesn't have enough insight about exactly why that one thing happened to them
for example They may think okay I got that DUI
the problem isn't that I have an alcohol use disorder the problem is is that I drove home from
the bar drinking and yes that is a big problem that does need to be addressed but sometimes
the person misses the big picture of the issue there's going to be another manipulation tactic
that's going to be a little bit like that and there's actually another manipulation tactic
that's a little bit like that so keep listening for it the next one is I just need to cut back
I just over do it from time to time I'm not even doing it every day maybe
it's just that sometimes it gets out of hand
I just need to cut it back now if this is the first time this person's ever told this to you
then okay let's see about it but I'm guessing it's not the first time they've probably said
this to you like Hmm once every three months once every six months at least once a year
for a long time now but it just doesn't seem to work
this is another tactic that's not just an attempt to manipulate you
but it's kind of a denial mechanism where the person's probably trying to convince themselves
of it to be honest they're trying not to look at the fact that they really need to give it up in
order to get control over it number six it's kind of a combination of deflection and gaslighting
and that one goes something like why are you always bringing up my past
I can't get better because you're always bringing up every bad thing I ever did
now I know when you're bringing up the bad things
from the past you're trying to get them to acknowledge that this is a big issue
causing a lot of problems and the reason you're trying to get them to acknowledge it is because
you wanna make sure that they get it because you wanna make sure that they solve the problem
basically right now I'm not really saying that it's a great idea for you to always
be bringing up someone's past mistakes but in this
instance where the person is saying that to you it really is just a deflection to
sort of get you off the topic and get you to the point where you're feeling bad about it
so they can get off the hot seat now number seven is that other one that
I said kind of related to the one before number seven usually happens right after
something sort of bad happens like a bad consequence maybe like a DUI
or like forgetting a ball game or or drinking too much at a family event or a special occasion
in this type of example the person may tell you that the bad thing only happened because there's
an excuse that only happened because it was super bowl it only happened because I was with my
buddies from college and they just always drink too much it only happened because I was drinking
liquor and you know when I drink that certain thing it makes things worse
again this is another one not just designed to manipulate you but also
likely to manipulate themselves and what happens is is any person can take any one
bad event that happened because of an addiction and they can make a reason
why that could happen and honestly it's convincing because you can think well okay
I could see that that that maybe happened to me before that could happen to anybody but the point
isn't not to look at any one incident any one incident doesn't make an addiction anyways you
have to have a lot of them the point is to back up and look at do you have a lot of these incidences
and to look at the big picture and connect the big dots not anyone specific but the
big picture and the fact that there's kind of like a lot of these incidences occurring
and what does that mean it's really easy to get thrown off track because a lot of these
things that the person is saying it does have merit maybe there was a special circumstance
maybe they do need to cut back maybe they did quit for 30 days so it's
not that these things are completely untrue but it's not the whole picture
and for the most part these are just deflection tactics now don't forget I put the link to that
manipulation guide for you in the description and up next I'm actually going to link the
entire manipulation playlist up here because my goal is to make sure you are always five steps
ahead of addiction and I want you to know you're being manipulated when it happens
and more importantly I want you to know how to respond so watch these videos next
I'd like to send a big heartfelt thanks to all of you who help support this channel
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this wouldn't be possible now this next video has been hand selected to go right along with this one
and don't forget to check the description for additional resources