- Justin will always be a baby to me,
since babies piss everywhere
and never know when to shut the f** up.
- Lu and I had a lot of hours
making the song baby together.
In fact, he told me it was the only baby
he ever made on purpose.
(crowd cheering, whistling laughing)
- Thankfully, Justin avoided the usual, uh
I I guess you could say
former childhood mistakes, you know.
He hasn't had a sex tape. That's good for you.
Um, He hasn't killed anyone.
You haven't bought a monkey.
Oh, shit, You did. You bought a monkey.
(crowd laughs)
and you abandoned the monkey in Germany.
What the (beep) was that?
Like, you abandoned a monkey in Germany.
That was a privileged, Beverly Hills monkey.
You showed them your lifestyle
and then you drop them off in Germany?
Now that monkeys turned out in a god damn
German zoo, sucking rhino dick,
because of your bad decision.
(crowd laughing)
Not about the monkey tonight it's about you, Justin,
what I want you to do? I want you to sit back, relax.
Cause it's gonna be a great night, man.
Not for you, for everybody else.
We're going to have a blast!
(flame sound)
- When we were looking for a Roastmaster,
we called Jamie Fox, uh
Chris rock, and they both couldn't do it.
Um, Then I had a great idea.
Let's call Kevin Hart and see if
he has Dave Chappelle's number.
(crowd laughs)
No I have hu (crowd cheers)
(crowd continues cheering)
He didn't have it.
Kevin, you were awesome tonight.
I have huge respect for Kevin Hart.
Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen
and for him
that's an iPad Mini.
(Crowd laughs)
Sorry.
Kevin is so short.
He calls little Wayne, Wayne.
(crowd laughs)
I love Kevin Hart's career plan.
Do everything Martin Lawrence did
only shittier.
(crowd laughs)
(flame sound)
- Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight,
which is to give Justin Bieber some tips
to use. When he inevitably ends up in prison.
(crowd laughs)
I've been in lockup and you wouldn't last a week.
So pay attention.
The first thing you'll need is a shank.
I made mine out of a pin, tail comb and a pack of gum.
(crowd laughs)
I'll show you how later. It's so simple.
(crowd cheers, laughs)
I found the Bubblicious works best
and it's so much fun to say.
(crowd laughs)
You see when I did my stretch,
all the hood rats on my cell block
wanted to break off a piece
of Martha Stewart's ass.
So I decided some bitch needed to get gone.
I walk into the chow hall,
picked out the biggest bull dyke
and I stuck her. From then on
prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
(crowd cheering)
(Martha laughs)
(crowd cheers)
(Martha continues laughing)
(crowd continues cheering)
And Shaq,
Shaq. I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
(crowd laughs)
Justin, before I go, here's my final piece of advice.
You need to settle down,
bring some balance into your life,
find yourself the right gal,
but she'll have to be someone on your level.
Someone powerful and famous and rich
someone you can smoke a joint with
or indulge in the occasional three-way.
I'm talking about a playa in the boardroom
and a freak in the bedroom.
So Justin my final piece of advice is
Call me.
(crowd cheers) or,
(crowd cheers)
or not! I'm out thank you.
(flame sound)
- Martha. Thanks for coming.
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.
(crowd laughs, boos)
(applause)
(flame sounds)
- Justin Bieber everybody.
(crowd claps, whistles)
Seems like only yesterday you
were discovered on YouTube.
Time flies when you're a piece of shit.
(crowd laughs)
Justin you've been on Ellen more
than a pussy juice mustache.
(crowd laughs, Justin claps)
(laughter, applause)
cheering
Mine was better Ludacris.
(laughter, applause)
Justin was born to a teenage single mom.
No wonder he's got moves.
He was in the womb, dodging a coat hanger.
(audience groans, laughs)
Justin Selena Gomez had to (beep) you.
She is literally the least lucky
Selena in all of entertainment history.
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
(groaning, laughing)
No, Justin,
you're so successful. You're so rich.
You're like our Beatles,
not the band, the bugs that live in shit. So,
(crowd laughs)
(flame sound)
- Oh Natasha Laggero,
this is my first time seeing you perform.
You were really great, even though
you didn't shoot out a single
ping pong ball like Snoop promised.
(crowd laughs)
(flame sound)
- Now as many of you know,
I'm a police detective in the city of Miami.
So Justin, as a police officer of the law,
I'm going to give it to you straight,
which I know will be a new experience for you.
(crowd laughs)
I got a question, Justin,
what kind of bitch eggs his neighbors house?
You cause $20,000 in damages.
Imagine the damage you would've caused.
If you threw like a boy.
(crowd laughs)
And what are you doing dropping 75 Gs
in a Miami strip club.
I heard the DJ play one of your songs
and the dancers complained
Their pussies were drying up.
(crowd laughs, claps)
Justin, as a father of six,
you got to straighten up son.
You know, last year you were ranked
the fifth most hated person of all time.
Kim Jong Un didn't even score that low
and he uses your music to (bleep) torture people.
(crowd laughs)
But thanks to that music,
Justin is worth over $200 million.
And in prison, four packs of cools.
(crowd laughs)
Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.
Why you got to bring Jesus in your mess?
(crowd laughs)
That man has suffered enough.
(crowd laughs)
(flame sound)
- Of course I had to have one of my
favorite people in the world here tonight.
Shaquille O'Neille thanks for coming, man.
(crowd cheers)
I love you dude, but, how in 19 seasons,
have you only made one three-pointer
I've hit more pedestrians with my car.
(crowd laughs)
(flame sound)
- It's time to talk about the bitch of the hour.
Justin, leave it to Bieber.
(crowd cheers)
Justin's Life changed when Usher heard
one of his songs and liked it,
which only goes to prove
that usher ain't black
(crowd laughs)
Now, Justin.
You release so many horrible
and unwatchable videos.
You should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.
- [Justin, Offscreen] Oh!
(Crowd laughs)
- Now, Most (bleep) like myself.
We go a little crazy when we get famous.
buy some dope cars, (fuck) some bad bitches,
(beep) you bought a monkey.
I mean,
that monkey was more embarrassed
than the one that started the aids epidemic.
(crowd laughs)
Now when Jay bird got arrested,
He had a big smile and his mugshot.
Not because he gangster
because he knows what goes on in jail.
(crowd laughs)
Justin, you so mother (beep) pretty,
when the inmates saw your mugshot,
they swipe right.
(crowd laughs)
(flame sound)
- Snoop, doggy, dog.
What's up, man.
He's way too shy to admit this.
But he was actually the billboard's top male artists
The year I was born.
And look at you now Snoop!
You're one of the 10 dudes at my roast
sitting right next to Martha Stewart
and that Hannibal guy. How cool is this?
(crowd laughs)
So cool. We made it.
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
(crowd cheers)
(flame sound)
- And now the man of the hour.
Justin Bieber. You dainty wigger, you, uh.
Justin Bieber, They say that you roast
the ones you love, but,
I don't like you at all, man.
I'm just here cause this is
a real good opportunity for me. Ah,
(crowd laughs)
Justin! Oh, you gotta give it up for Justin.
He started from the bottom
and he's still a bottom.
(crowd laughs)
I don't like your music, man.
I'm not a big fan of it,
I listened to some of it.
I'm not a fan. I don't like your music.
I think it's bad. I think it's bad, man.
I don't like it.
(crowd laughs)
I hate the music, man.
I hate your music more than
Bill Cosby, hates my comedy.
(crowd cheers)
(applause)
(laughter)
Yo, Justin man, ahhh
This has been cool.
And despite all those foul things I said, uh,
you, you, ah you seem like a sharp businessman and
(crowd cheers)
(snoop coughs & laughs)
this is real cool that you did this
and let all of these these strangers shit on you
in front of all these people.
And I actually liked that song. Confident.
That's a good song. I liked that song.
And so thanks for letting me do it. And congratulations.
(Flame Sound)
- Hannibal Burress, Thank you so much for being here.
I don't really know much about you,
but from what I've been hearing,
I hope you don't know much about me either.
(laughter)
(appluse, more laughter)
(flame sound)
- Let's get to the kid that I've known longer
than anybody else up here. Mr. Justin Bieber,
(crowd cheering)
He may have just turned 21,
but Justin will always be a baby to me
since babies piss everywhere
and never know when to shut the (bleep) up.
(crowd laughs)
I remember one day I got this call saying,
we want you to collaborate with this
little dude who will do anything to get famous.
And I was like, great. I love Kevin Hart.
You know?
(crowd laughs)
That's my guy.
(Ludacris laughs)
But this dude turned out to be
Justin mother (beep) Bieber
and together we dropped the track called baby.
(crowd cheers)
(applause)
It's got over a billion hits on YouTube.
That's because I'm in it.
(crowd laughs)
It also has 4 million dislikes.
That's because he's in it.
(crowd laughs)
It's like you tried to roll like a gangster man,
but you're not tough Justin. I'm,
I'm here to let you know, man.
I know you've been on Ellen 14 times.
(crowd laughs)
You act so much like a pussy on the show,
Ellen tried to eat you. I mean, come on
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
(cheering)
(laughter, applause)
But you become a music icon.
Like a modern day, Michael Jackson.
The only difference is as Michael got older,
he acted whiter.
(crowd laughs)
Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad,
He actually has seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Ouch
- Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you
while you're down, but since you want to be black,
you might as well get used to it, man.
(crowd groans, laughs)
Now, honestly, man,
it takes a very brave soul to get up here.
And I just want to say, I love you JB.
I'm glad that you did this. This is a beautiful thing.
Y'all make some noise for my man, Justin Bieber.
(flame sound)
- Luda, what's up man?
I knew you would show up for me tonight.
I feel like I've known you my whole life,
but that's just because you look like
the Mr. Potato, head ahead as a kid.
(crowd laughs)
Luda and I had uh
- [Offscreen, Kevin Hart] (laughs)
- That's good! That's good!
(crowd continues laughing)
Luda and I had a lot of hours
making the song baby together.
In fact, he told me it was the only
baby he ever made on purpose.
(crowd laughs, groans)
(applause)
(Outro music)