-You have to tell the story because you've gone to
so many award shows in Hollywood and events,
but tell everyone the story
about the first Hollywood party you went to.
-Oh, God. This is --
I don't go to any award ceremony or any party
for longer than 20 or 30 minutes
because of my first big Hollywood party.
About a couple years ago, maybe three years ago,
I just shot "The Good Place" but no one knew who I was.
I got invited to this giant Oscars party
full of, like, absolute A-list stars.
You had Charlize Theron there.
Gwyneth was there, Edward Norton. It was insane.
So I'm walking around on my own trying to find people
to talk to, starting conversations
with these A-listers who are looking at me
like I'm just a very overconfident cleaner.
[ Laughter ]
No one wants to talk to me, so after a while I find myself
just sort of lurking around the buffet area,
and the food is incredible at these things,
and no one eats the food.
None of them eat the [bleep] damn good.
So I had a bite of steak.
It was incredible and I was like,
"No one else is eating this.
I should take some of this home with me."
[ Laughter ]
And so I take a plate and I pile a steak on,
and I'm like, "I could take like 10 more of these."
So I pile 10 giant steaks onto a plate, stacked up like this.
I have Gwyneth Paltrow in front of me.
She turns around and looks at me and I was like, "Atkins."
And she was like, "Cool."
[ Laughter ]
And then I grabbed a napkin, like a cloth napkin,
I put it over the plate, flipped it, bundled all the steaks up.
They start bleeding. -You're stealing food from a --
-Yeah, 'cause these are, like, bloody, like, fancy steaks.
They start bleeding through.
So I look like I'm holding something dead.
[ Laughter ] I panic.
I stick it in between my thighs,
where we know I love to keep food.
[ Laughter ]
I stick it in between my thighs.
Blood starts running down my leg.
[ Laughter ]
And I'm like, "I have to get the hell out of here."
So I start wobbling so fast, and I'm like 6'4" in my heels.
And Al Pacino must have been in front of me
because I take Al Pacino down.
[ Laughter ]
Al goes down.
-You knock Al Pacino over?
-I knock Al Pacino over.
It's like 3:00 a.m.
The steaks fly from out of my legs.
[ Laughter ] So I like -- I leave Pacino.
I'm like, "He'll be fine."
Run, grab the steaks.
Hold them under my arm, run out the party,
and then Matt Bellamy from "Muse," that singer --
I know him. He's English.
We know each other from England. Everyone knows each other.
He stops me and is like, "Hey, I just got here.
I'm about to go to this, like, party
Leonardo DiCaprio is having in a hotel room.
Do you want to come?"
I was like -- I did.
I wanted to go, but I was like,
"I've just been through so much to get these steaks."
[ Laughter ]
I had tears in my eyes.
So I was like, "I just have to go home."
And so I took these bleeding steaks home
and I ate them by myself.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I mean, epic.
-Because of me, "The Irishman" almost didn't happen.
[ Laughter ]
-And you knocked down a legend.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I want to talk about "The Good Place."
This is the series finale tomorrow.
-Yes.
-It's a 90-minute special, you guys, at 8:30.
Series finale.
-I know. It's done. -Bittersweet.
-No one is ever gonna hire me again.
-No, that's not true. [ Laughter ]
Were you -- Was there a lot of crying on set?
Were you sad?
-I cried so much that I bumped into a janitor there
who thought that I had been fired from my job.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was crazy
because I was plucked from obscurity for that show.
I had never acted before.
Mike Schur just found me and gave me the role of Tahani
after my first audition pretty much and changed my life.
-How great is Mike Schur? Mike Schur is fantastic.
-Yeah, he's incredible. He's the great--
Everything you've read that's bad about Hollywood,
he is the exact opposite of that.
He's the greatest boss in the world
and gave me the greatest job opposite Ted Danson,
who I learned how to act from.
And so I just -- as he said,
"That's a series wrap on Jameela Jamil,"
like, it hit me, everything that he'd given me,
and sobbed like a tiny, tiny little baby.
[ Laughter ] -Aww, no.
-Yeah.
-I want to show everyone a clip from the show.
First, here's a cookie. Don't bend over and get it.
Just take it.
Here is Jameela Jamil in this season of "The Good Place."
Take a look.
-You all have been hand-selected to be the very first
Bad Place architects who will learn the new system.
-Why do we need a new system?
Torture works.
It's the way it's always been done.
-With all due respect, "it's the way it's always been done"
is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years
to justify racism, misogyny --
-Exactly. See, this chick gets it.
-Jameela Jamil, everyone.