>>Russell Peters: Back in the day, when you would see a white person,
you knew they where white, immediately.
When I was a kid, if I saw a white person, I didn't have to ask. If I was like,
"Are you white?"
They'd be like, "What the fuck else would I be?"
[Laughter]
But now, you need to confirm.
[To audience member] What are you, sir?
Are you white?
>>Man: Yes.
>>Russell: Even you hesitated!
[Laughter]
You had to go through, your own lineage! Be like,
"Am uh--"
[Laughter]
"Apparently, I am, yes."
[Laughter]
'Cause you're not regular white. You got, like, hairy immigrant arms, you know what I mean?
[Laughter]
It's not like--
[Laughter and Clapping]
[To cameraman] Get a shot of those! You get those?
You're missing the arm que, it's right th-- Oh look at that thing! Jesus! That is--
[Laughter]
That's not proper white, buddy. I don't know, that's uh--
That's Italian, or Greek, or something. I don't know what's going on, there.
Where are your parents from?
>>Man: U.K.
U.K.? Oh ok, so--
Yeah, that's pretty white. Uhm--
[Laughter]
That, in fact, is the benchmark. That uh--
[Laughter]
You are a hairy-- one hairy Englishman, I'll tell you that!
[Laughter]
[Laughing] "FEE-FI-FO-FUM!"
[Laughter]
I smell the hair, of an Englishman! [Russell laughing]
[Laughter]
[Russell sighs]
You know why, you gotta ask nowadays? I was in, uh, Florida. You guys ever go to Florida?
In the U.S.?
If you go to Florida, everybody in Florida, looks like everybody in this room, until they open their mouth.
Spanish, flies right out of their mouth. Like--
[Laughter]
Not, like, a little bit, of Spanish. Like, you could tell that that's all their thoughts,
everything they do, is in Spanish.
You know you can tell? When you say, "hello," to them, you can see your "hello," enter their head.
[Laughter]
You're like, "Hello." and you it see go,
"Hello"
[Laughter]
equals
[Laughter]
"Hola"
[Laughter]
[Spanish accent] RRReply with...
[Laughter]
[Super Spanish accent] "Hello."
[Laughter and Clapping]
And you know, that their "hello," started with a "J." That's the best part, you know?
[Spanish accent] "Jello."
[Laughter]
"It's not just a greeting, it's my favorite dessert."
[Laughter]
It sucks, for me! I like-- I like, the Spanish language, but if you go to a place, where all they do, is speak Spanish,
and-- and they should be, speaking English, it get's annoying.
'Cause they see the brown skin, they just assume something's going on.
Everywhere I go in Florida, they're like,
[In Spanish] "¡Oye, Cubano! ¡Oye!"
[Imitating Spanish]
[Applause]
"Listen up, there, fuckin' Fernando. I don't want to dance, right now.
[Laughter]
Especially, while we're at a gas station. This is really awkward.
[Laughter]
When I told the guy, I go-- I'm uh-- I go, "Oh-- Oh, I don't speak Spanish," he goes,
[Spanish accent; Offended ] "What kind of fuckin' Latino, don't speak Spanish?!"
[Laughter]
When I told the guy I wasn't Latino, he reacted, like a guy, who bought a hooker,
and found out it was a guy. You know what I mean? Like--
[Laughter]
I'm like, uh, "No, no. I'm not Latino."
[Spanish accent; Appalled] "What the FUCK, are you?!"
[Laughter]
Pointed at my dick, when he did it!
He goes,
[Spanish accent; Appalled] "What the fuck is that?!"
[Laughter]
I like Spanish. It just gets annoying, when everybody's speaking it to you.
[High pitched In Spanish] "¡Hola!" "¡Hola!" ¿Como estas? ¡Hola!
[Laughter]
I got annoyed. I-- I was getting fed up. I walked into a store, I saw an Indian guy, with a turban,
I got ALL excited.
[Laughter]
I was like, "Thank God, my people!"
[Laughter]
I go, "How you doing, man?" He goes,
[Indian accent] "Hola."
I'm like, "Oh, for fuck's sake!"
[Laughter]
Can't speak Spanish, with Indian head motions, it doesn't work like that!
[Indian accent] ¿Que paso?
[Laughter]
♪ ♪