Before Solo milks your nostalgia for the Original Trilogy dry,
discover 3 spinoffs that took everything you loved about the old Star Wars movies
"YAHOO!"
"I love you."
"I know."
and gave you something...
uh...
let's just say different.
"Stir, whip, stir, whip, beat, beat, stir.
That's not right. I'm sorry."
Kick off an evening of crap with Caravan of Courage,
the Ewok movie set before the other Ewok movie
but after the movie that was 30% Ewok.
Embark on an adventure with no one's favorite unblinking murder bears
as they team up with another creature that's better in small doses:
a kid.
"I think they wanna be our friends."
Together, they'll search for her missing parents with her brother Mace,
a Skywalker knockoff with the hair of Luke
and the acting of Anakin.
"It looks like the monster is something real big! Where is it?"
And of course, Tinker Bell?
"I think she eats giggles."
Wow, they were planting the seeds of that Disney buyout really early, huh?
If Caravan of Courage is The Hobbit,
then get ready
'cause Battle of Endor is Game of Thrones.
Without question, the darkest Star Wars movie ever made,
where most of the Ewoks are slaughtered in the opening scene,
the 4-year-old's whole family is massacred.
"My family are all dead.
I'm all alone."
She's kidnapped by a dragon,
and has to spend the rest of her life getting yelled at by Wilford Brimley.
"I don't want you here! Get out!
GO ON! GET OUT!"
That'll screw up someone for life.
Holy crap, this is a Captain Phasma prequel, isn't it?!
"I'll have to learn grownup things."
"Execute."
But those are just warmups for the main event.
Watch the original Star Wars trilogy lose its final shred of dignity
in The Star Wars Holiday Special,
a project so bad,
George Lucas wanted it destroyed forever.
And that guy made Attack of the Clones.
"Wow!
Whaddaya know?"
Sit through this vaguely Star Wars themed variety show,
where the only variety is the level of drugs they were on when they wrote it,
whether it's a song from Mos Eisley Cantina owner
Bea Arthur???
♫ Just one more round, friend ♫
♫ Then homeward bound, friend! ♫
A song from 70's soft rock titans Jefferson Starship,
♫ Will you light the sky on fire? ♫
or a song from Princess Leia
while Harrison Ford regrets all of his life choices.
♫ A day of joy we all can share ♫
Now that's the face of a man who has a really bad feeling about this.
In between the
(Ahem)
talent sections,
enjoy a tiny scrap of story tying it all together.
Where Chewie has to get home to his Itchy, Mala, and Lumpy for Life Day,
which is like Christmas, but hairy and vaguely Wiccan.
The Empire is on high alert thanks to an overdubbed scene from A New Hope.
"I want the Rebels located and identified."
But with no help from Luke,
"Where's Chewbacca?"
no help from Leia,
"Send either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the screen, please."
and actual help from one half of The Honeymooners' Art Carney,
"I brought you that proton pack.
You know, for the whatsit...
the whatchamacallit, the thingamabob."
Chewie's family will spend over an hour horrifically groaning at each other
while you try to maintain your last shred of sanity.
[Wookie roaring]
[More Wookie roaring]
Kill me!
So melt your brain with 3 Star Wars films so awful,
you'll never complain about the prequels, The Last Jedi, or Solo again
because no matter what Disney decides to throw at us next,
there's no way it will be as bad as Chewie's dad watching VR porn in the middle of the living room.
Did I...
Did I just dream that?
Oh, nope, nope, there it is. That was real.
"Oh, we are excited, aren't we?"
Aw, geez, turn it off, turn it off!
"Those were awful good pies. Best I ever had."
"Fuck."
You know the weirdest thing about these movies?
It's the first appearance of Boba Fett and it's awesome!
"I take it you have no love of the Empire."
"I don't."
"Follow me, friend.
Settle down!
All they do is eat."
*reading comments*