- But I like this girl and I dunno what I'm gonna do.
(gentle music)
- My first queer crush?
- When I was in about year five or year six and it,
cliche, but it probably would've been my best friend.
- So I'd be about 15 years old.
We became best friends, then I was like,
"I actually like you."
I didn't tell her yet.
- Particularly in high school, I hadn't really, like,
allowed myself to feel that way about women.
So yeah, my first queer crush was actually my best friend.
- So I went to an all girls school
and it definitely was not okay
to be anything other than straight.
You were kind of a pariah, I think, if you were
and there was this one girl, I was just like,
"Who is this person
"and how do I get her to pay attention to me?"
- And so I just found myself, yeah,
just acting a little bit differently around him,
maybe just trying to, sort of, get a little bit closer
and trying to be, you know,
just be that really good best friend
and just trying to be that one true friend.
- I was just, like, looking at her one day
and I just caught myself just, like, staring
and I was like, this ain't normal.
- We had, like, started to get very close at the time
and I think it was one of those things of, like,
will we do this, will we not?
- And I didn't really speak to her when I had the crush,
because suddenly, I just lost all ability to say words,
or think, or do anything around her, to be honest.
- I felt kind of almost a sense of,
I'm not sure if euphoria's the word, but in a sense,
euphoric and happy.
- A part of me, or like, all of me knew
that I could never ever tell her that I felt like this.
- In second year of college,
I had decided to tell my best friend.
I said to her, "You know back in year 10?
"Yeah, I used to like you a lot."
And she was like, "Really?
"You know when I first met you, I liked you too."
And I was like,
all this time, I could've made a move, but it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
- We went to different schools
and I never spoke to him again, so.
- Is this gonna to be this thing?
And, you know, ultimately, it wasn't.
You kinda have to decide, like,
is this gonna be, like, a dating thing,
or is it gonna be, like, friendship?
Oftentimes I think those lines are really blurred
for queer women particularly, but like,
just queer people in general.
- I still remember her scent now.
It's Coco Chanel and it's like,
whenever someone walks past me now, I'll be like,
"I recognize that smell."
And I realize, oh, it was the girl that I liked,
like, that was her scent.
It was comforting.
- [Producer] So nothing ever happened between you two then?
- Yeah, nothing.
- [Producer] Still friends now?
- We're still friends now.
- Ultimately, it was really fun having a crush on you.
It's gonna be really fun being your friend.
I think we're not really suited for each other romantically,
but I think we could be, like,
mutually obsessed with each other, like,
in a different way, forever.
- If someone makes a meme of, like,
I want Rachel Weisz to spin it in my mouth,
like, you know that people are gonna respond to that.
(upbeat music)
- My first celebrity crush?
- Ooh. - Um.
- Really embarrassing.
- Ooh, lord.
- Justine Littlewood from Tracy beaker.
- Miss Honey from Matilda.
- Randy Orton.
- Princess Jasmine.
- Oh my God, Demi Lovato.
- It was actually when Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
came out in 2005, with little Freddie Highmore.
- I dunno, how do I explain it?
Those glasses, sexy glasses.
They've come back around as well,
so she looks very stylish in them now.
- I think I must've been about, oh my God,
I must've been about 10 and I think, in the film,
he was probably playing, like, 10 or 11 years old as well.
It sounds really weird to say as a grown man now.
That was the turning point for me, 100%.
I can still remember being in the cinema and watching it,
with my parents sat next to to me.
- I think it was, like, really exciting to be able to see
a princess that wasn't white and that I could, like,
kind of identify with.
I just thought she was so beautiful,
she had a pet tiger,
she was, like, really independent and you know,
wouldn't take any shit.
I really admired that and also had a big crush on her.
- I think it's 'cause I love Tracy Beaker,
but 'cause she was, like, the enemy, the bad girl,
I think that's what I loved about her.
- Oh my God, actually, thinking about it,
I actually remember, I was fan-girling so hard over him,
that I actually wrote him a massive letter, by hand,
when I was that age,
explaining, like, these feelings I was having, et cetera
and then, at the end,
I was basically just asking for an autograph,
but I explained all these feelings to him,
never got a response, but I did get a signed photo.
- Current celebrity crushes?
- Oh my gosh, Nikita Dragun.
- Anthony Joshua.
- Wow.
- That's all I have to say, Anthony Joshua.
- Like, Nikita.
- Tom Holland.
He's just (sighing).
- No elaboration needed, just the name.
- I can't even explain.
- Oh my God, like, (sighing).
- Just beautiful, like...
- That Spiderman suit, oh my God.
- Rihanna, Rhianna's, like, a big one.
I don't know how she exists,
like, part of me is like...
(laughing)
- I have a crush on Tessa Thompson.
I love a woman in a suit.
Any woman in a suit, yes, yes, yes, thank you.
- Basically, like, every still from Men In Black,
I just get a little, like, flutter.
Okay, I'm ready, like, bring it on.
- I have, like, a highlight reel on my Instagram about,
like, people I wanna top me.
(laughing)
- But now, my celebrity crush, Kehlani, definitely Kehlani.
Her music was the biggest thing for me.
She has a lot of tattoos and she's just very, like,
confident in who she is.
- People always like confident people,
especially because, like, being queer,
like, discovering that you're queer
can take so much out of you and then, like,
but, like, seeing someone that's so comfortable
in who they are and exudes so much big strap energy
is just, like, obviously so attractive.
(laughing)
Like, confidence is always good.
- It's not something, like, you can just, like,
throw out there, like, "Hey, I'm gay, surprise!"
No, it's definitely not like that.
(gentle music)
- Oof.
I don't even know where to begin.
- Even if you put the two identities of being queer
and being a person of color separately,
both of those things are a minority in this country,
so you have your struggle of dealing with racism,
if you're a person of color
and you have your experiences
of dealing with people being homophobic, if you're queer,
so naturally, when you think about it,
it's just putting those two things together,
doubles up your problems.
- So, when I was around six or seven, I remember
I used to wish to the stars, every single night,
that I'd wake up as a boy.
- My initial sparks were around about 14, 15,
when I started to realize that, "Oh yeah,
"I don't wanna hang out with this guy
"'cause I think he's cool and he's funny.
"I wanna hang out with him because I have a crush on him,"
or something like that.
- I also really grew up, you know, was an adolescent
in the moment where girl crush was huge,
so I hid behind that for several years, you know,
in high school, just being like,
"Oh yeah, it's a girl crush, it's fine."
- And then it got to year seven.
We were literally outside the girls changing room
and my friend came up to ask me a question.
She was like, "Jess, can I ask you a question?"
I literally, before she even asked the question,
I was in my head, saying,
"Please don't ask if I'm a lesbian."
- I did everything in my power to tell people
without telling them, 'cause that makes sense.
I would kinda drop hints,
but if anybody asked me if I was gay, I would say no.
Why?
I couldn't tell you, because I was.
(laughing)
And I knew I was.
- And then she asked it and I was like,
"No, what are you talking about?
"Like, are you joking me?
"Bye."
And then now I'm looking back at it, I'm like,
"Jess, if you instantly thought that,
"before she even said anything,"
it just randomly came into my head and it's like,
wow, like, you've known for quite a while, yeah.
- Definitely remember taking am I gay quizzes as a teen,
which now I know is obvious
that I was questioning my sexuality,
but at the time I felt like the internet
could really tell me if I was or not.
- Coming out is often characterized as an event,
you know, you come out and then you're out,
but it's so much more often a series of events,
it's a process,
it's something that you almost never stop doing
for most of us, because in every situation,
you have to weigh up, like,
is it safe for me to be out here?
Am I comfortable being out here?
- I really shut myself off.
I was being very temperamental,
I was locking myself in my room.
Unbeknownst to my mum, I wasn't really eating that much.
I wasn't eating at school, I was, like, throwing my lunch,
I would take my lunch in and I'd just throw it away
when I got into school.
I wasn't really eating much dinner either,
which I think was maybe,
my mum started to piece together that
he seems kind of overly emotional,
he's not really eating dinner or anything like that.
I was getting very moody at the drop of a hat
and I think it's, you know,
your parents probably know you better than anybody else,
so my mum very quickly picked up that something was wrong.
I'm not confrontational.
I'm not, like, a screamer, or a shouter, or a crier.
That night, I did all three.
I refused to have anyone in my room
and then eventually, I got my friend to tell her.
- They were like, "Oh, just go tell your parents,"
you know?
Or, like, just go do this and this and this
and you're like, "But I can't."
You literally can't, 'cause like, you know,
you know your parents, like, the best and like,
you know how, like, they will react to situations and.
- You have to, like, decide, "Am I out to my friends?
"Am I out to my coworkers?
" Am I out to my parents?
"Am I out to,"
you know, there's so many different layers
and I think, particularly being a queer person of color,
you can be, like, out to all of your friends and then, like,
how do I feel about being out to my family
and particularly your extended family?
Like, I would say, you know,
I'm out to my, like, nuclear family,
but I'm not gonna talk to my grandmother about,
my Korean grandmother, about being queer,
like, that's just not the relationship we have.
- If you have, like, your parents supporting you,
they might take that away and then what do you do?
You have no support and like, your friends,
who are also struggling, can't necessarily support you
and choosing your happiness and choosing your freedom
over being comfortable and being safe
is a decision that a lot of people make,
but it shouldn't be taken lightly,
because you put yourself in so much danger.
People will say, like, "Oh, I am gay,
"but I'm not hurting anyone."
Like, yeah, that is so true,
but you're potentially hurting yourself.
Like, you gotta come out when it's definitely safe,
because sometimes you can literally be in danger.
I know people definitely have abusive parents and like,
abusive communities.
- I mean, it's still not easy to necessarily
find queer experiences depicted at all,
let alone experiences of queer people of color
and basically anyone who isn't, like, cis and white,
like, those are the most common depictions of queerness.
- But when I was younger,
there were no queer people of color that I could look up to,
like, in the media or in my personal life, no.
- Margaret Cho came out, like,
when I was already sort of out
and so I guess that would be, like,
one, sort of, prominent Asian American person that I knew
and then particularly an Asian American woman who was out
as bisexual and so, I remember thinking, like,
"Okay, so, I'm not alone in this, I'm not the only one,"
but it didn't really feel like,
"Oh, like, I have this person now and so I'm represented."
- My mum was, I think she was very much like,
"Is that it?
"Like, was this the problem?"
Nothing really changed after that.
Everything, I still have the same relationship
with my mum now as I did back then, 10 years ago, so.
To younger queer people of color now,
I would say that regardless of what anybody says to you,
remember that your identity is valid.
I'm maybe gonna stop there, 'cause I'm not quite sure
what else I would add on top of that.
(gentle music)