State rules are all over the place, and our leadership
is a shit show.
Florida is having germ orgies
at the beach.
Michigan is locked down and
white ISIS is storming the state capitol.
Meanwhile in Illinois,
you’re not allowed to go outside
without a face mask.
There’s no consistency, and our president is basically telling people
to gargle bleach and scrub their lungs with a toilet brush.
We need one person to control all the rules.
So here’s my pitch:
We don’t need governors.
We don’t need a president.
America
needs a commissioner.
Specifically...
NBA commissioner Adam Silver.
Now look, I know what you’re thinking, “Hasan, the people who
run sports are terrible.”
Just look at any NFL SkyBox.
Jerry Jones is always up there with like, Karl Rove,
Ghislaine Maxwell, Duterte,
and the ghost of Saddam Hussein.
That’s not how Adam Silver rolls.
Even though he looks like John Malkovich fucked a sphynx cat,
Silver
has always been ahead of the curve.
He banned Donald Sterling for saying the quiet part loud.
He phased out the term “owner” for its racial undertones.
And after Eric Garner was killed,
he let the Heat wear “I Can’t Breathe” shirts.
Important message.
Horrible font. Remember,
font is very important with political messaging.
It’s the difference between being a true cause,
or Ben Shapiro merch.
This is why we need Silver. He saw the ‘rona coming
and didn’t hesitate.
He shut down the NBA...
in the middle of the season! More than a week before
New York City shut down,
and three weeks before the CDC told us to start wearing masks.
This dude
was Paul Revere of the pandemic.
He shut down the NBA on March 11th–
on March 10th Trump was still saying shit like this:
This was something that came out of China.
It will go away just stay calm.
Okay, honestly though, I downplayed it too. Back in March,
I was licking subway polls and having strangers
put in my contact lenses.
Then Tom Hanks got it,
and I was like, “The winter of death is upon us.
May your house be spared from the plague.”
Also,
when Silver did shut down the NBA–
he managed 30 teams better than Trump managed 50 states.
He wasn’t just like, “Hey James Dolan, put down the mandolin,
figure out contact tracing.” At the very least,
we need a leader who can be sane with China.
You guys remember that Daryl Morey tweet about Hong Kong.
By the way, we still standing with Hong Kong? Or are we all just like,
“Yeah, sorry about your shitty landlord,
we’re all kinda dealing with that right now.”
They still don’t air NBA games in China
because of that one dumb tweet! And remember,
this ain’t LeBron causing an international fiasco.
This is a general-fucking-manager.
Who is Daryl Morey?
Look at these guys. Which one is Daryl Morey?
This one is Daryl Morey, ‘cause, of course it is.
All white front office guys are either one of three things:
Mormon youth minister,
grizzly old bastard,
or Phil Jackson.
Now look, do I wish Adam Silver would have flipped off
President Xi Jinping and told him to free the Uighurs?
Of course.
But at least he was willing to lose money.
Are you willing to absorb the possible loss that may come–
financial loss that may come from the support.
Not only willing, but we are.
The losses have already been substantial.
We wanted to make an absolute clear statement that the values
of the NBA, these American values– we are an American business–
travel with us, wherever we go.
The NBA could lose up to $400 million because
they defended free speech.
Dude, what kinda corporation is willing to lose money
standing up to dictat–
And in contrast, this is how Trump handles China:
Why do you keep calling this the “Chinese Virus?”
- A lot of people say it’s racist. - ‘Cause it comes from China.
It’s not racist at all, no. Not at all. It comes from China–
I’m not even offended by the way he says “China.”
I’m offended
by that Indian woman!
That is Seema Verma– a senior official in the
Department of Health and Human Services.
And she has my mom’s name.
When I found out she worked in public health,
I knew we couldn’t trust her.
Any self respecting Indian is private practice only.
Also,
why is she rolling with Trump?
You know this, we’re fuckin’ Darpoks. We’re all about social status,
and community approval.
What community
would approve of this?
“Hand in hand two leaders, two comrades almost, coming together–”
Right...
Silver wasn’t just smart about shutting things down.
He’s also being smart about opening things back up.
He knows how much we need basketball.
Dude, James Harden misses strip clubs so much
he’s just tossing ones at his Roomba.
Silver’s already allowing some practice facilities to reopen.
But he is listening to scientists:
Precision planning, self isolating, contact tracing.
Dude is bringing South Korea energy to America.
Unlike our president, who’s bringing McDonald’s ball pit energy.
We have it so well under control.
It’s unfortunate that this got out of control.
I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute.
Is there a way we can do something like that…
by
injection?
Yo, Trump wouldn’t shut down NBA games if they were being
played in a meatpacking plant.
And while we’re waiting to find out if the season’s going to restart,
Silver is still keeping us entertained!
He’s a big reason why we have The Last Dance!
This is true.
Adam Silver was president of NBA Entertainment in 1998.
He’s the one that got the cameras rolling on Jordan so we could
see all that liquor and Scott Burrell bashing on tape.
He knew we would need it 22 years later.
And if that’s not enough to convince you, he worked on Like Mike.
Easily one of my top five Lil’ Bow Wow movies.
The fact is, Adam Silver should run America.
Unless, of course, he cancels the season.
In which case, I will be storming the NBA offices like a Michigan protestor.
I’ll be like, “Open it up!
Liberate LeBron!”
‘Cause I promise you Adam,
he won’t say anything about China.