- [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California
the only news team that doesn't know what's
on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is "Breaking News".
- Hello, and welcome back to "Breaking News",
a show where everything's made
up and the points don't matter.
I'm your host, Drew Carey.
- And I'm Jim Carey.
(reporter giggles)
Somebody stop me.
Remember that from the mask?
- I sure do Jim.
Do you ever my catch phrase, it's
"Get my underwear. I'm on fire."
- Ah, the best.
Hey, what was the plot of the Drew Carey Show again?
- Well, the Drew Carey Show is really about
an older white man living in a bungalow house.
Specifically, it's a bungalow and he has his three friends
Oswald,
Harvey,
and the shooter
(everyone laughs)
of JFK assassination.
And they go on misadventures and kiss each other at the end.
- Absolutely. Boy, the 90s were great.
I just do a bunch of first-thought paintings
of Republicans with captions like "Sarah Suckabee Sanders"
- I've got that beat.
I'm a photographer for Major League Soccer.
That's true. Look it up.
- Hey, we both seem happy.
Our top story tonight, some dumb-ass Zoomer had
the audacity to ask a millennial how old they were
and then say, "Oh wow, you don't look that old."
- Oh, the Gen Z idiot actually
thought that was a compliment.
- I'll tell you what,
that whole generation is a pack of heels.
They probably don't even have an emotional connection
to us, Drew and Jim Carey.
That's us.
- Impossible. I host "The Price is Right".
What do Zoomers love more than daytime television?
- Takis.
And taking selfies,
where the only thing in frame is their forehead.
- When reached for comment, the Zoomers' leader
Zendaya said, "We bear millennials no ill will.
You won't fear us.
You fear your own ever closer death,
(reporter giggles)
but we together are the future and can make it our own."
- Oh, whatever.
I hope Greta Thuneberg's boat hits an iceberg.
- There aren't any more icebergs.
That's her whole thing.
Not like in every Zoomer's favorite movie, Titanic.
- We go now to a carrey
that Gen Z is sure to connect with, John Kerry.
John, what's happening?
(reporters laughing)
- Oh yeah, that's me.
(laughter)
Oh, I just (report laughs)
(all laughing)
I just made a new friend.
- Oh, yeah? Who?
- Oh, no.
(everyone laughing)
- Oh! That is terrifying.
- He's a very dapper gentleman named Chris Pine.
But not the actor,
he's named that because he's made of pine.
Would you like to interview him?
- Oh, I'd be delighted.
But if I see your lips move, I'm gonna make you start over.
- We both will.
And we'll enforce it very strictly.
Chris, where are you from?
- (murmuring)
Oakland.
(everyone laughing)
- That's a great food city.
Do you have a favorite restaurant in Oakland?
- Oh no.
(everyone laughing)
I do. My favorite restaurant is Paul's Paninis.
You should try the pepper, parsley, and parsnip panini.
(reporter laughs)
Also, their potato
(murmuring as doll)
Potato
pumpkin
pretzels
(murmuring as doll)
and their
(laughter)
Pepperoni
(murmuring as doll)
- Whoops, I saw your lips move.
Try that again.
- Potato (murmurs) pretzels, pepperoni (murmurs)
Maybe that's not working.
- No.
- Maybe?
- (murmuring as doll)
Potato pumpkin pretzels,
their pepperoni pastrami pita,
and their poppy papaya pancakes.
- Nailed it.
(reporter laughs)
- Do you do any impressions, Chris?
- Ahh!
(murmuring as doll)
Yes! Yes!
Actually I do an impression of you,
Jim Carey.
- Oh yeah?
Let's see it.
(murmuring as doll)
Alrighty than!
(everyone is laughing)
Alrighty than!
You must be the monopoly guy.
- Jim Carey is known as more of a
rubber face than that,
can you try that again?
- I'm sorry.
It's disgusting habit.
They're all from "Pet Detective."
(everyone laughs)
- That is astounding.
Thanks Chris.
(reporter laughs)
And thank you.
2004 Democratic presidential nominee, John Kerry,
(reporters laugh)
we turn now to our cranky veteran newsman,
Russell Kerry,
for an Andy Rooney'esque tirade
about the way things ought to be
- Presbyterians.
(reporter laughing)
I've had about enough of them.
- Mmm.
- Not the religion, the cocktail.
Did you know that there's a cocktail called a Presbyterian?
Well, they don't have enough ginger ale in them.
- Mmm.
I'll tell you something else.
Everyone could cool it about seafood.
I don't like seafood.
So what, that's some kind of moral failing now?
Take a hike.
Here's another problem I have.
These big cars that everyone drives now.
These SUVs, they never offered me rides,
even though I know they have the space.
(reporter chuckles)
Those big back seats, come on.
(reporter giggles)
And let me get something off my chest.
When I come home from the grocery store,
I don't want to hear it from my wife
about how I should have bought bigger clams and oysters.
They only have the little ones.
I'll give you an example of a thing that bothers me.
(reporter laughs)
The bells on the steeple of a church don't swing much.
It mostly just the part of the inside that moves.
They look so much better
if they were swinging.
And here's something for you,
our middle fingers should be longer
than our pointer fingers.
The pointer finger is the main finger.
It should be the longest, but you still have these fools
out here talking about intelligent design.
(reporter laughs)
Brother, 1 more thing before I go.
what is the last time you saw a fox?
We were all led to believe by cartoons
that foxes would be common as squirrels.
But here we are basically fox-less.
They're more dangerous because they're bigger?
I'd have no way of knowing personally,
that's for sure.
- Wow. Thanks Russ.
- That does it for us before we go,
today's loser is,
Amy.
So they have to do hoe down
with me and Ryan Stiles.
(reporter laughs)
- Doo doo doo, doo doo doo
- Oye,
here I go today on the seashore.
- You know what?
That ventriloquism listen to half bad.
(ticking as doll)