I could only imagine the cocktail of garbage
inside your phone right now, the lies you tell.
- Oh god, yeah.
- I just wanna apologize to all those ladies.
You're the kind of guy, you probably ask girls to marry you,
you're like, "I never say this, I never say this,
"but I could legit see myself marrying you.
"Could a guy like this break your heart?"
And the answer is of course and he will.
(rock music)
- What's up everybody?
Welcome to Stupid Questions with Chris DiStefano.
I'm with Rachel Feinstein.
You can see her special The Standups on Netflix
and she's got a good podcast called 3 Girls, 1 Keith.
(rock music)
Alright, here's a stupid question:
What's the dumbest lie you've ever told your parents?
- Oh, here's a good one. - Okay.
- My mom found like a hickey on my neck,
just the biggest, dumbest--
- It was like obvious.
- And I told my mother that a wolf bit me.
(both laughing)
- What, did your mom believe it?
- (laughs) No, she didn't.
She would always say this when I lie to her,
she goes, "oh please, Rachel, I lived in California
"in the 1960s, that's no wolf, that's a goddamned hickey."
And she would go, "I've been around the block,"
which is such a gross thing to hear your mom say.
Like no one wants to hear your mom be like,
"I've been passed around a couple of times."
(rock music)
I have a stupid question for you.
- Okay.
- Did you have a nickname growing up?
- Well, when I was a kid, people used to call me "Mayo."
- Were you fond of mayonnaise?
- Well, no, it's like I was a basketball player
and I was like the only white kid, so like my friends,
like my black friends would call me "Mayo."
Oh, then they used to call me "Gums,"
cause I was all gums, I had really just,
I had like, I actually had gingivitis,
like it was like a dental issue,
it's cause my gums were always bleeding,
they'd be like "Chrissy Gums" or like "Horse Face,"
something like that.
- Kids are so extremely cruel.
They'll find a thing you weren't,
you never even occurred to be self-conscious about,
like I still remember this guy,
like walking me home from school one day,
he's like, "how come you've got that little thing
"on the top of your thighs, it's like extra fat."
(both laughing)
Who says that?
I've never forgot Wesley's dumb sentence for the,
you know, still now, when I look in the mirror,
I'm like, "ah, that little extra fat
"that Wesley didn't care for."
- Little cherry of fat on top.
- And also, who insults someone
and then makes them answer for it?
He's like, "how come you got that?"
- Yeah, yeah.
(rock music)
- Next stupid question:
What's the weirdest thing you've seen
in somebody else's home?
- Well, my friend that I grew up with,
her dad had a toothpick dispenser next to his uh,
couch and sometimes he wouldn't be able to find
his toothpicks when I'd go over there and he would go,
"where the hell's my 'spencer?
"Where in the hell's my 'spencer?"
That's all he wanted,
he just wanted his toothpick dispenser.
- Now, would that, as a young woman,
make you feel extremely uncomfortable to be
alone in the house with that father?
- I remember one time, he was on his way to 7-11,
and he goes, "you girls want anything?"
It was just me and my friend and I was like,
"no, I'm okay," and he goes, "I'm just gonna get me
"a hooker and a hotdog" (both laughing).
It was an interesting thing to choose to tell
like a couple of 10 year olds.
- A hooker and a hotdog.
That's a good t-shirt, Hooker and a Hotdog.
(rock music)
Next stupid question:
chunky heels or chunky guys?
- I like a chunky guy. - Nice.
- Yes, I like a little extra weight,
I like a little thickness in a man.
- Yeah, well, your fiance's a little thick guy.
- Yeah, I like em thick. - He's in shape, though.
- I like to see a thick thigh on a man,
because I don't wanna be the bigger one.
I don't wanna be like Big Rach kinda lumbering over
and if a guy's a little out of shape,
I feel like that makes me feel more confident, too.
I wanna bring like the treats to the hookup.
- Yeah, I got like, I got some weight on me,
like to go in the pool, I keep my shirt on, you know?
Just have my tits get wet, you know (laughs)?
- I heard you have beautiful, natural breasts.
- Oh, my god, who told you that?
- People pay a lot of money for tits like yours, right?
- Hell yeah.
(rock music)
Alright, thank you so much for being a part of the show.
Did you have a good time?
- I did, I did.
- Alright, so you know, for being a part of my show,
I wanted to give you a stupid gift.
- Thank you. - Yes.
I wanted to give you this.
- Aww. - And these are just
aqua jewelry, like your mother wears.
(Rachel laughing loudly)
We just thought these would be good for you.
- God, I'm gonna get laid,
I'm gonna get laid. - Laid, woo!
- I got a good feeling.
You know what, I'm worth it.
- Yeah. - I'm worth it.
- So, thank you for watching Stupid Questions
with Chris DiStefano, my daughter, Rachel Feinstein.
- Oh my god. - Stupid Questions.
- Uglier than anything I've ever seen.
(rock music)