The guy that's coming on stage, a very funny cat, you can see him on uncontrolled
comedy ladies and gentlemen Ambrose Jones give it up!
yes thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
thank you thank you I love coming here to New York City how y'all doing y'all
doing all right I guess y'all can tell by the way I sound I'm not from here
that's right I'm from a big city I'm from originally on Chicago Illinois
We got Chicago in the house? We the only ones still alive from Chicago aint it?!
I've been staying in Memphis for the last 15 years of my life I consider that
my hometown now because while I've been I have required a driving license a baby
mama and patronize a prostitution charge I guess that's qualified in your
hometown don't it Memphis Tennessee got this place called Jack Pirtle's chicken
that's where all the prostitutes hang out in front of you can go over there
get you a two-piece breast white meat or dark meat and the chicken is good too
chicken yeah they got white and black prostitutes over there they do
I keep telling my mom you suppose he's supposed to move us to safety she moved
us from Chicago to Memphis that's like moving us from the number one murder
capture the world to the number two murder capital ain't it? what you trying to do
kill me twice mama I love it though I've been trying to move I can't I got a
nine-year-old son there his mom and I separated I think that was partly my
fault cause I grew up in the house for stepdads and I want him to experience
that also then I felt like I had stepdaddy's you gonna have some too yeah
He's a good boy his mom and I was together since he was like three years old I really don't
feel like he cherished the time I was there you know I used to try to hold him
all the time you want to start crying and go to his mom I was like are you
gonna miss me when I'm gone I'm not gonna be here forever
I'm not..... Parenting has changed you know back in the day we was growing up my
parents told us what we was gonna do and told us what we needed right nowadays
kids tell us what they want what they gonna do and it took my son to get his
hair cut he gonna tell me how he wanted his hair cut - he's like "Daddy I want a
Mohawk" I was like well I want you to pay for your haircut "I can't do it daddy,
I ain't got the money" I was like exactly that's why you getting a bald head then
You don't have no money I have been to your school I didn't see
what them little boys failing wearing, they wearing Mohawks you making C's
I'm not gonna push you over the edge you know what I mean. I'm a good I'm a good
provider for them though I am so I gotta watch my finances and get on a budget
that's what all the financial advisors tell you get on a budget make sure every
dollar is allocated I grew up without nothing so you want me to deprive myself
as an adult too!! Nah, I don't think so I'm going to buy
everything I see that's what I'm gonna do
I don't like a budget I don't even shop at budget rent-a-car I don't I go to
enterprise but to this budget is too complicated try to get my finances on
track I went to Equifax check my credit score just find out my credit scores
around the same numbers my age yeah that's right I'm 32 my credits is 28
doesn't it's kind of hard to get approved for a brand new car when you
are older than your credit score did you know that I tried they told me my credit
was so bad my cosigner gonna need down payment of $2,500 I just looked at them and
said "Nah my momma ain't gonna do that you can just you could just ball that
application up just show me where the riding lawnmowers are at..."
looking forward to give me a new card though right now I got a 1996 Toyota Corolla it
runs good take me to point A to point B I only think about this sometime my
destination via Point C now I need a ride the rest of the way people want to
know why I'm parked at the bus stop, I be like, that's where my car cut off at..
I need jumper cables not your criticism sir...... I do my own maintenance I do my
own maintenance on my car I've been changing on my own spark plugs and wires on my
car for last five years that could be the reason why I still running good with
200,000 miles on and it could be the reason why the oil is leaking
tremendously to it damn car leaking a lot of oil you know you're supposed to
change the oil every three months so every 3,000 miles I changed my or every
two days or when I hear the motor knock says whichever one occur first my
colleague and so much oil when it's time for me to put all of my cards and pour
it on the ground because this way is going in the first place
I don't even pour it in the car, I just pour it on the ground and drive off in my car
ride a little better
ain't no wrong we have an older car if you do have an older car
It WILLlet you know what you're doing something wrong though it will that's
what's the advantage about it will let you know what you're doing something
wrong I got pulled over by the police the other day he's gonna tell me I was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 55 mile per hour zone
I just looked at him and I said I know you lying because I didn't feel my
steering wheel shake yeah I'm not using when I go over 40 my chair will start
shaking I didn't feel that sir I didn't I say you need to go back and check your
radar detect over again are you gonna walk over come back and say I'm gonna
give you a seatbelt ticket I said I take that ain't gonna take no speeding ticket
I know if I would have been going 75 my car would have been
jumping all across this road then you wouldn't have to give me a ticket for
drifting then that's true.... it's hard dating when you got an older car that
dating is hard period isn't it? especially when you get older your
patience wear thin you know you meet a woman nowadays what's the first thing
y'all want to do when you meet a man you want to go out to eat don't it?
I don't know who started this right here usually we'll take em to the house and watch a
movie now they want to go out to eat "I want to go out to eat my friend told me
about the new restaurant damn town I want to go out to eat" hey
then you take them out to eat all the time while you're dating, then when you
get into a relationship with them now you gotta come here and complain about
what they weight now oh my stomach getting big, oh I gained two
pounds yesterday oh I gotta get back in the gym I feel like you ain't think
about there when I took you out 57,000 times you didn't say that when you were
stuffing their shrimp in yo face now you worry about your stomach now
I be making these women mad, they calling me talking about they want to go out to eat
I'd be like I ate already now you should have called me five minutes ago baby I
just got done eating I see but I want you eat I ate some beans and rice you
come over and get you some if you want some cook me enough to last me the next
month I did. that's one thing you can't tell the woman nothing about no bean you
don't want to hear nothing about it do it I don't want no doggone beans I got
taste for some sushi I'd be like you better come grab the
beans and rice up in there cornbread and that's all the sushi you're gonna be
eating over here you ever have pinto bean sushi you got plenty of fiber in
and help you get that stomach now you been complaining about..
boy...I believe have the older cars is hereditary in my family it really is..
you know my full name is Ambrose Jones the Third, so you know when I had my son everybody
gonna ask me you gonna name him Ambrose Jones the fourth to keep the legacy
alive I was like to keep what legacy a legacy alcoholic some warehouse forklift
drivers?! i was like NAH and I about to end this legacy right now it ain't gonna be no
more Ambrose's this is it! Y'all should have named me Ambrose Jones the last cuz
this gonna be the last of this situation right here!
all right New York thank
y'all