THE STUDIO AUDIENCE I WANT TO
SAY THANK YOU FOR RISKING THE
CORONAVIRUS TO BE HERE.
GUILLERMO, LET'S DO OUR NEW
HANDSHAKE.
THIS IS OUR NEW HANDSHAKE.
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
WE NOD.
AND THEN WE GO BUH, BUH.
OR JUST ONE IF YOU WANT.
WE CALL IT'S PATELLA HELLO, OR
THE PATEL LOCHLT FOR SHORT.
THIS IS HOW WE'RE FIGHTING THE
CORONAVIRUS.
LET'S GET THIS GOING.
LET'S HAVE THIS GO ACROSS
AMERICA FROM KNEE TO SHINING
KNEE.
OR IF THAT'S -- I HAVE ANOTHER
ONE WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON TOO.
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
IT'S CALLED THE HELLOBO.
THANK YOU, GUILLERMO.
WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS SITTING
AROUND PAYING $80 FIRE 45-CENT
MASK WE'RE COMING UP WITH WAYS
TO STOP THIS THING.
I HAD AN INTERESTING REVELATION
THIS WEEKEND.
I WAS HANGING OUT WITH THE
KIDS -- MY KIDS THIS WEEKEND.
NOT JUST RANDOM KIDS AT THE
PARK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY SON BILLY IS 2, MY DAUGHTER'S
5.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT EXACTLY
PROMPTED THIS BUT WHILE WE WERE
PLAYING IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT
JANE, MY DAUGHTER JANE IS A LOT
LIKE DONALD TRUMP.
I MEAN, THEY HAVE -- SHE'S
TOTALLY SELF-CENTERED.
THE WORLD AS SHE SEES IT
REVOLVES AROUND HER.
SHE WANTS EVERYTHING.
YOU TAKE HER TO TARGET, FORGET
ABOUT IT.
SHE GIVES NOTHING TO CHARITY.
AND EVEN WHEN SHE DOES GIVE
SOMETHING TO SOMEONE ELSE YOU
HAVE TO MAKE A BIG SHOW OF
COMPLIMENTING HER.
OH, YOU GAVE YOUR BROTHER ONE
SKITTLE FROM THE PACK, WHAT A
GREAT SISTER YOU ARE.
SHE HAS TANTRUMS REGULARLY.
WHEN SHE DOESN'T GET HER WAY,
SHE YELLS.
SHE EVEN TOLD ME I WAS FIRED
ONCE.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE NAMES OF
ANY FOREIGN LEADERS.
ALL SHE WANTS TO DO ALL DAY IS
WATCH TV.
YOU TELL HER NOT TO DO THINGS,
SHE DOES THEM ANYWAY.
SHE LIES AND DOESN'T THINK YOU
KNOW SHE'S LYING.
SHE CLAIMS SHE HAS A LOST MONEY
IN HER PIGGY BANK.
REALLY NOT THAT MUCH.
$11.
HER SPELLING IS ATROCIOUS.
SHE ALWAYS ORDERS CHICKEN
FINGERS NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE.
SHE PUTS KETCHUP ON EVERYTHING.
AND SHE HAS TINY HANDS.
SHE'S GOT TINY HANDS.
JUST LIKE THE PRESIDENT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
YOU TAKE OUT THE CUTE PART,
THEY'RE ALMOST THE SAME PERSON.
THE PRESIDENT HAD HIS TINY
LITTLE HANDS FULL THIS WEEKEND.
HE TOOK SOME TIME AT CPAC, THE
CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION
CONFERENCE, TO ONCE AGAIN
SEXUALLY MOLEST THE AMERICAN
FLAG.
♪
>> Jimmy: BETSY ROSS JUST FILED
CHARGES AGAINST HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO DOES THAT?
HOW IS THAT HUMAN BEHAVIOR?
ANYWAY, TRUMP CLOSED OUT BLACK
HISTORY MONTH IN A BIG WAY.
HE'S BEEN TRYING TO DRUM UP
SUPPORT FROM AFRICAN-AMERICANS
LATELY.
AND TO DO THAT HE INVITED BLACK
LEADERS TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO
TELL THEM HOW GREAT HE IS.
>> I AM STANDING NEXT TO THE
GREATEST PRESIDENT SINCE ABRAHAM
LINCOLN.
>> THE GREATEST PRESIDENT.
>> YEAH.
>> THE GREATEST PRESIDENT FOR
THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMMUNITY,
BLACK COMMUNITY, BROWN, MOCHA.
>> YOU TRULY ARE THE BEST
PRESIDENT SINCE ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
>> THANK YOU.
>> MAN, YOU'RE THE FIRST BLACK
PRESIDENT.
>> Jimmy: I GUESS ORANGE REALLY
IS THE NEW BLACK.
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND THEN SINCE HE WAS ON A ROLL
THE NEXT DAY HE HAD A RALLY IN
NORTH CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
DURING WHICH HE SHARED AN
IMPORTANT LESSON HE LEARNED
DURING THAT MEETING.
AND FINALLY SETTLED A DEBATE
HE'S BEEN HAVING WITH HIMSELF
FOR WHAT I ASSUME IS QUITE SOME
TIME.
>> YOUNG AFRICAN-AMERICAN
LEADERS, ONE OF THE THINGS I
ASKED THEM, AND I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR A LONG
TIME.
GREAT PEOPLE.
SOME OF THEM ARE HERE TONIGHT.
DO YOU LIKE THE NAME
AFRICAN-AMERICAN OR BLACK?
AND THEY SAID BLACK.
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
TRUE.
>> Jimmy: I'M GLAD SOMEONE'S
BEEN WORKING ON CLEARING THAT
UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN HE TWEETED LIKE 42 TIMES
TODAY.
HE IS -- THE BIG WINNER IN SOUTH
CAROLINA ON SATURDAY WAS JOE
BIDEN, WHO RAN AWAY WITH THE
PRIMARY THERE.
HE BEAT BERNIE SANDERS BY 20
POINTS.
THIS IS INTERESTING.
THIS IS THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL
PRIMARY JOE BIDEN HAS WON IN
OVER 30 YEARS.
OVER THREE DIFFERENT CAMPAIGNS'S
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HE WON.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE SHOULD BE
PROUD OF THAT OR VERY DEPRESSED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PRESIDENT TRUMP CONGRATULATED
BIDEN.
HE TWEETED "VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN
LED A FORMIDABLE CAMPAIGN AND
SHOULD HE PREVAIL ON SUPER
TUESDAY I LOOK FORWARD TO
CHALLENGING HIM IN" -- WAIT, NO,
HE DIDN'T WRITE THAT.
HE WROTE "SLEEPY JOE BIDEN'S
VICTORY IN THE SOUTH CAROLINA
PRIMARY SHOULD BE THE END OF
MINI MIKE BLOOMBERG'S JOKE OF A
CAMPAIGN AFTER THE WORST DEBATE
PERFORMANCE IN THE HISTORY OF
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.
MINI MIKE NOW HAS BIDEN SPLIT UP
VERY FEW VOTERS --" I GUESS HE
GOT THAT ONE HE WROTE CONFUSED
WITH ONE WE WROTE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT JOE BIDEN CELEBRATED WITH A
VICTORY LAP ON THE SUNDAY
MORNING NEWS SHOWS, AND AS YOU
CAN SEE, HE IS A LITTLE RUSTY
WHEN IT COMES TO CELEBRATING.
>> THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
PLEASE COME BACK IN LESS THAN 13
YEARS, SIR.
>> ALL RIGHT, CHUCK, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
>> ALL RIGHT.
IT'S CHRIS.
BUT ANYWAY.
>> CHRIS.
I JUST DID CHRIS.
NO, I JUST DID CHUCK.
I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, THESE ARE
BACK TO BACK.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
BACK TO BACK.
THEY'RE SO BACK TO BACK.
IS IT POSSIBLE HE THOUGHT HE WAS
TALKING TO CHUCK NORRIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
THEN TODAY IN HOUSTON BRIIDEN H
ANOTHER SENIOR MOMENT RIFLG THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE 37.
>> FIGHT FOR THE PROPOSITION WE
FIND THESE TRUTHS TO BE
SELF-EVIDENT.
SOUNDS CORNY.
THINK ABOUT IT.
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE
SELF-EVIDENT.
ALL MEN AND WOMEN CREATED BY --
YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW THE THING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW THE THING.
AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, JOE BIDEN
IS NOW OFFICIALLY THE YOUNGEST
MAN RUNNING FOR THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINATION.
FOR REAL.
SO TOM STEYER -- AMY KLOBUCHAR
DROPPED OUT.
TOM STEYER AND MAYOR PETE ALL
DROPPED OUT.
SO I GUESS WE LEARNED HOW TO
PRONOUNCE BUTTIGIEG FOR NOTHING.
PETE BUTTIGIEG WAS AN IMPORTANT
CANDIDATE, THE FIRST OPENLY GAY
FRONT-RUNNER FOR A MAJOR PARTY
AND ALSO THE FIRST CANDIDATE TO
DRESS LIKE HE WORKED AT OFFICE
MAX EVERY SINGLE DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MAYOR PETE IS EXPECTED TO GO
BACK TO HIS JOB WORKING AS A
MANNEQUIN AT GAP KIDS.
AND ONE OF THE TWO BILLIONAIRES
IN THIS RACE, TOM STEYER, THE
POOR ONE, TOM STEYER DROPPED OUT
TO SPEND MORE TIME EXPLAINING
WHO HE IS TO HIS FAMILY.
AND WHILE TOM MAY BE OUT, HE IS
NOT DOWN.
HE DID HIS BEST TO PUT A
POSITIVE SPIN ON ALL THIS.
>> WHEN THE LORD CLOSES A DOOR,
HE OPENS A WINDOW.
I WILL FIND THAT WINDOW AND
CRAWL THROUGH IT WITH YOU.
I PROMISE YOU THAT.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
WE DON'T KNOW.
WITH HER?
WE DON'T WANT TO CRAWL THROUGH A
WINDOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IS HE CLIMBING, BREAKING INTO
PEOPLE'S HOUSES?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
[ LAUGHTER ]
TOM STEYER DURING WHAT TURNED
OUT TO BE HIS FINAL RALLY IN
SOUTH CAROLINA, HE GOT ON STAGE
WITH JUVENILE, THE RAPPER, AND
YES, THIS HAPPENED.
♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY SAY DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS
VOTING FOR YOU.
AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT TOM
STEYER DID THERE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
SO THAT'S NOT THE ONLY
HIP-HOP-ORIENTED DISPUTE GOING
ON IN POLITICS.
PUBLIC ENEMY YESTERDAY ANNOUNCED
THEY'RE MOVING FORWARD WITHOUT
FLAVA FLAV BECAUSE OF A DISPUTE
INVOLVING BERNIE SANDERS.
FLAVA FLAV OF COURSE IS -- OR
NOW WAS PUBLIC ENEMY'S HYPE MAN.
HE WAS UPSET BECAUSE HIS FELLOW
ENEMY, CHUCK D PERFORMED
YESTERDAY AT A BERNIE SANDERS
RALLY USE THE NAME PUBLIC ENEMY.
HE SENT A CEASE AND DESIST
LETTER.
THIS IS THE REAL CEASE AND
DESIST LETTER HE WROTE.
AT THE BOTTOM HE WROTE "HEY,
BERNIE, DON'T DO THIS.
FLAVA FLAV, PUBLIC ENEMY."
AND HE DREW A CLOCK.
AND YOU'D THINK HE'D BE BETTER
AT DRAWING CLOCKS BY NOW THAN
THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN RESPONSE HIS BAND PUT OUT A
STATEMENT SAYING "WE THANK HIM
FOR HIS YEARS OF SERVICE AND WE
WISH HIM WELL."
I LIKE HOW FORMAL -- AS IF HE
WAS REMOVED FROM THE BOARD OF
HEWLETT-PACKARD OR SOMETHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PUBLIC ENEMY HAS ALREADY FOUND A
REPLACEMENT FOR FLAVOR FLAV.
THIS GUY COMES WITH A SNOOZE
BUTTON, WHICH IS NICE.
I JUST HOPE THIS DOESN'T RESULT
IN FLAVOR FLAV GOING OUT AND
ACTING ALL CRAZY.
YOU KNOW?
MAYBE TRUMP WILL APPOINT HIM TO
THE CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE TEAM.
YOU KNOW, THE CORONAVIRUS, THIS
THING, EVERYBODY'S TALK K ABOUT
IT.
IT'S THE CENTER OF EVERY
CONVERSATION.
FOR ME THE SCARIEST PART IS THE
LARGE PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS
WHO SEEM TO BE JUST LEARNING
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WASH YOUR
HANDS NOT A REGULAR BASIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT DON'T WORRY.
NO ONE SHOULD EVER WORRY BECAUSE
THE PRESIDENT HAS THIS UNDER
CONTROL TOTALLY.
>> WE HAVEN'T SEEN AN INCREASE
AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING BETTER.
ALMOST EVERYBODY THAT WE SEE IS
GETTING BETTER.
AND IT COULD BE EVERYBODY.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
IT COULD BE EVERYBODY.
SINCE HE MADE THAT STATEMENT
THERE ARE NOW 100 CASES OF
CORONA IN THE U.S.
SIX PEOPLE HAVE DIED.
THE FIRST VICTIM WAS IN
WASHINGTON STATE.
AND IN A PRESS CONFERENCE ON
SATURDAY TRUMP SAID THE VICTIM
WAS A MEDICALLY HIGH-RISK
PATIENT IN HER LATE 50s AND
ADDED SHE WAS A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
OF COURSE WE FOUND OUT LATER THE
WONDERFUL WOMAN WAS A MAN. HE HAD IT WRONG.