- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News. (up-tempo music)
- Hello and welcome to Breaking News,
the show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Lips London.
- And I'm Poof Goof.
Our top story tonight, "There's a bird in my pocket."
- Right before we went on air,
a tiny bluebird flew into the studio
and went right into Poof's pocket.
- My goodness, this is adorable.
- There was a murder but I'll be honest,
I'd rather talk about this.
- It's possible this is my new favorite bird.
- I agree.
Before my favorite birds were...
(dramatic music)
- What?
- Fuck me. (Poof giggling)
Blue jay, a robin,
a cardinal, a flamingo,
dinosaurs were technically birds,
a pterodactyl--
- Sorry, dinosaurs were technically birds?
- I was just listening to an NPR story about this, Brad.
- I believe that you mean, birds were technically dinosaurs
not all dinosaurs were birds.
- He has a point.
- Oh, god damn it, I don't know if I know five more birds.
- Perhaps a seagull.
- A seagull? - Seagull.
- You can pick an owl, or a hawk, even.
- Owl, hawk. - Owl, pigeon, hawk.
- Dove.
- Big Bird, does he count?
- Duck!
- Duck? There you go.
- Is another one of my favorite birds.
- Really?
Why was that the last one?
- Which last one?
Because a duck is adorable.
Because a duck swims.
And is therefore covered in water.
As a Cancer, I'm a water sign.
- Makes sense.
Fascinating, anyhoo three people are dead
in a brutal slaying in, oh my.
- What is it?
- [Poof] Birds
moving in my pocket.
- What does that feel like?
- It just feels a little, a little tickly!
It feels like feathers, soft feathers, moving softly
and oh, now rapidly on my skin.
It's invigorating.
- Interesting, say more about that.
- It feels, it feels really, really soft
and flappy, nope, now there's a little bit of a peck.
There's a, oh the bird has moved around
to the small of my back and it is now moving up my jacket.
Up my jacket a little bit and it's, oops,
now it's just straight-up pecking me.
- Terrific. - It's kinda painful.
- We've used up all of our murder time,
so we'll move on to entertainment news
with our own Gooey Anderson, Gooey!
- Thanks Lips.
Well, Oscar season is underway.
Last night the Hollywood Reporter hosted a round table
of some of the biggest stars in Hollywood.
Now, our camera's weren't allowed in,
so I'll do an impression of all the celebrities.
- That's great, you're known for your impressions Gooey.
- I am.
So it started off with Robert DiNiro and he was like
"I'm walkin' 'ere."
- That's Al Pacino!
I'm sorry, Dustin Hoffman!
- I'm gonna do this segment and you're gonna be quiet.
- Definitely Dustin Hoffman.
- And then Julia Roberts said "I'm walkin' 'ere!"
And now you won't believe me but then President Obama
showed, this doesn't feel, everybody cheered
and he was like (laughter).
Uh, he, I can't, uh, "I'm walkin' ere!"
Oh fuck, which of course that meant that Peter
could Jesus Christ, Peter Griffin had to come on stage
and say fuck me.
"And I'm fucking I'm walkin' here."
- I officially should have had this role.
- Then of course the last speaker of the night
was a big friendly brown bear, you really should've,
who only wanted, a big friendly brown bear
who only wanted some honey.
She was like (groans).
- Made it .2 seconds into that impression.
- It's not, they're not (laughing).
I gotta keep doing it, fuck.
This is torture.
Mmm honey!
Come on, please it's no, I'm walkin' here.
All right, (laughs) back to you in the studio!
- Thanks Gooey, finally tonight an editorial word
from our station president, Dr. Tristan Chambers.
A word of warning, Dr. Chambers is a total perv.
- Hello everyone, I'm Dr. Chambers, and I'm going to make
a list for you of all the things that turn me on.
- Dr. Chambers, the FCC has asked that your editorials
be related to the news.
- I think it's newsworthy that I get burned by
unlikely animal friends.
- Oh Jesus.
- What, everyone loves unlikely animal friends!
If there's a video of a cat and a fox
taking a nap together, or a hedgehog and and otter
sharing a piece of cabbage we all get wet.
(dramatic music)
- False.
- Okay, keep lying!
(group laughing)
Here's a list of more things that make my
big stupid Johnson hard.
(group laughing)
Bookstores, pineapples, those thick straws that only
fast food restaurants give you,
when actors in plays turn out
to talk straight to the audience,
cans that don't have the pull tab so you have to say
to yourself, Jesus, do I even own a can opener?
Just the top part of butts before you get to the crack,
obvious lies, when the person in front of you
at the coffee shop gets to the counter and they're like
Hm what should I get?
Like they've never been in a coffee shop before.
Earbud headphones,
and of course...
titties!
- I hated hearing that.
- We all did, oh fuck.
Before we go, we should announce that this week's loser
is Elaine Carroll.
- No!
The bird died when he said titties.
(group laughing)
- Oh, I'll tell you, incredible.
- Big loser.
Oh, and my chair just went.
- I love that this guy will slap his ass
on an Instagram video, but can't do a
two-second bear impression.
(group laughing)
- Guys listen, if the script had said show us your ass
I would have been golden.
But you want me to do a Barak Obama impression?
Come on!
- Brandon, I love that you got this job
with a Tim Curry impression.
- And I'm gonna milk it for all it's worth.
- And you just did a Tim Curry impression.