- Hey guys, Grant here.
I know you've seen these articles on the internet
like five tips to manage your money
and you've thought to yourself, to manage money,
I have to have money, but that's not true.
I'm broke, and I'm going to give you the
broke person version of those same five tips.
Quote non-essentials are different for broke people
and I'll bet there's a big one you're wasting your money on,
health insurance.
Just think about all the money you'd save if you didn't
pay for health insurance.
Worried about the tax penalty, don't be.
Health insurance is way more expensive.
Uh, but what if I get sick and die?
Hey, death would be one great way
out of your financial problems.
Every article you read is gonna tell you to save money
and they're right.
Broke people can do that too, how?
Coins, take that stolen pint glass full of coins
you keep on the ironing board you use as a table
and run it through one of those cash for coins machines.
Uh, Grant, don't those machines take a percentage
of what I put in?
Not if you're smart.
Tell that machine you want the money in a gift card
so it won't take that percentage.
Don't have the internet so you can't use a gift card?
No problem, just reach around behind the machine
and pull out the ethernet cable so it can't communicate
with the card server.
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and be electrocuted.
Now, if you have money, diversification means
having a mix of stocks and bonds, but if you're broke,
it means getting cash however you can.
Get creative, you could open a credit card
under a fake name.
Hey, it's not like you're gonna pay off the ones
you have anyway.
You could start selling pills.
I'll bet you have a relative that has a prescription
for something fun, steal it.
You could open a charity for a fake cause.
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and some of that money
will be coated in a fatal virus.
Investing is important.
The broke person version of investing
is having a friend with money.
A friend with money can bail you out when you break your arm
and can't wait tables, or when you need antibiotics
but you don't qualify for Medicaid,
so make sure you protect your investment.
Grant, I have a friend who's dating someone responsible
and they want to cut me off.
That's where protecting your investment comes in.
How, offer your friend analingus.
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and suffocate.
The goal of a hedgefund is to try to beat the market
using what's called active management.
This can be tempting, but that kind of portfolio
can end up costing more than it's worth in fees.
It's much better to use a passively managed index fund
which, no, I'm kidding, this will never apply to you.
Eat ass and think about ways to die.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Thank you for watching.
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Ahh, weird that it's the same, isn't it?