Did you guys hear that Miss Spork is in the hospital?
What happened to Miss Spork?
She swallowed an entire ham.
Well, if Miss Spork is filled with ham, who is going to teach or Home Ec class?
Do-do-do-do! Da-da-da-da!
That's all I want to say to you!
[screaming]
Hi, Coach Kreeton.
Don't talk to me, virus.
Sit your butts down!
Hurry up, sit down! Sit your butts down!
Hurry up! Hurry up! Yes, yes, yes!
Alright, I'm Coach Kreeton and I hate young people!
You seem upset.
I am upset! I am upset!
You wanna know why? All I wanted to do
was stay at home and watch my new video tape
of the Melrose Place.
I love the Melrose Place. Wanna know why?
Because everybody hates everybody at the Melrose Place!
[screaming]
May I go to the restroom?
No! You're gonna sit there until you explode!
Explode! He-he-he-he.
Alright now, I'm here to substitute teach you kids about cooking.
What are we gonna cook?
I'll cook your mama!
If you don't shut your mouth hole!
Now, I'm gonna teach you kids how to cook a little breaka-fast.
Alright, who wanna come up here and show Coach Kreeton how to cook an egg.
- I will. - Alright.
Well come on up here. Yeah, there you go, alright.
Hey, hey, hey, it don't take a rocket scientist, there Webster.
Now come on, crack that egg.
- Yeah come on, crack that egg. - OK.
Look what you did to Coach Kreeton's head!
Huh? You cracked a chicken's baby on Coach Kreeton's head!
Ooh... sit down!
Alright, let's do something a little easier.
Um, let's cook waffles. Alright, yeah.
Alright, now, to cook waffles,
You need to have some waffle stuff and you pour it into the waffle bottle,
then you take the waffle goo,
and pour it into the waffle machine.
La-da-da-da, dang-da-dang-dang-da!
Alright now, I need an assisatant
to come up here and assisatate Coach Kreeton.
I'll assisatate you.
Well, alright, you little pin bear! Come on up here.
Alright, now you gotta be careful when you're working with the waffle machine.
Alright, now because it's really hot, almost nine million degrees--
[screaming]
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[screaming]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[screaming]
You waffled my hand!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh, the pain is extreme!
Let go my happiness! Let go my happiness!
Are you alright?
Oh, do I look alright, huh?
Oh, this would never happen on the Melrose Place!
I'm gonna go get some syrup our of my locker.
That's good for ya!
And why you got syrup in your locker?
[screaming]
Oh, I feel bad. I feel real bad.
Somebody, anybody, one of you all mutated hippies,
get me a beverage.
- I'll get you a beverage drink. - Alright, thank you.
Oh, look at my hand.
I dare, I really want that beverage bad!
Really want it. Oh, thank you.
- Coach Kreeton! - What now, punk?
I think I gave you hot pepper juice.
You think you gave me hot pepper... You think you gave me hot pepper...
[choking]
[screaming]
[bell ringing]
Hang on, Coach Kreeton! I'll get the fire extinguisher!
OK, OK, alright, yeah!
[screaming]
He's gonna blow!
But that's impossible!
[grunting]
Oh, the life I live is sad.