Gotta get on the old Pilates, everyone.
Pilates for the back. He's even doing the Pilates.
If you dunno what Pilates is, by the way,
Pilates is basically atheist yoga.
That's all it seems to be, Pilates.
Doing it a while now. All it seems to be.
It's just atheist yoga.
It's yoga without all the fucking, you know,
ghosts, you know. There's none of that.
None of that in Pilates.
Pilates is more like bend over this stick.
There is no God. That's Pilates.
The other day I gave a homeless guy $5.
Should've been a good deed, should've been a good deed.
But I didn't give him $5 for him,
I gave him $5 for me.
You ever give or do something good,
just hoping God will notice you?
Like, I basically was trying to kickstart a blessing.
Like, I was basically looking at God
as I was giving this bum some to money.
Like, look at me, Lord, I'm a good person.
Shine your light on me.
And I'm so full of shit.
Everybody I spoke to that day,
I slipped in that I gave this guy $5.
No matter what they was talking about,
say, "Hey, man, you see LeBron?"
"No, I was too busy giving this bum some money."
"I had no time."
And I'm bragging about giving him $5.
Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket.
So, I'm going past big money to give him little money.
I'm like, nope, nope, can't have that. Nope, nope.
Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope.
That's for strippers later. Nope, nope, nope.
Like, I gave him enough for something at McDonald's,
but nothing to drink.
Like, get yourself a number eight.
Dry.
Stay with me.
I think Harry Potter is based on the KKK.
Let's take a journey.
So, in the KKK they have grand wizards.
What is Harry? A grand wizard.
In the KKK they wear hooded cloaks.
What do they wear at Hogwarts?
Hooded cloaks.
In the KKK, they have something called
a night hawk and a granturk.
That's something found in the Forbidden Forest.
Now, the whole premise of the KKK,
premise, what?
No, the KKK's whole deal is...
is keeping White people and Black people separate.
The whole premise of Harry Potter
is keeping magical people and non-magical people
separate.
So, if we follow my logic,
not yet, fucking checks out, okay?
Non-magical people are Black people
and they call them muggles.
And a slur for them is mudblood,
which is like the N-word of the Wizarding World.
Also at Hogwarts, they have muggle studies.
I was like, huh?
That's just Black History month.
Arabic curse words.
They're really graphic.
They're so graphic, I don't even use them.
Honestly, I just...
We're gonna start here and build up.
Like "Kes Emak",
which means fuck your mother's pussy.
Very specific.
We take that to another level.
"Kes Emak Eli Nafadek",
which means, which...
two people. Yeah, I know what that means.
Everybody else is on their toes.
What does it mean?
It means "Kes Emak Eli Nafadek",
which means fuck the pussy you slithered out of.
Wow.
Stuff for the line. I know, it's crazy.
That's why...
everyone saw the baby fall out.
It's a visual curse word, that one.
This is one of my personal favourites.
"Yelaen Tarekhek",
which means, which means, damn your entire history.
My great grandmother? No, bitch.
From the beginning of time...
to present day and everything in between
and in the future. Fuck your DNA.
I dunno why men are obsessed with their dicks.
It's pretty funny.
Every man in here knows what I'm talking about.
Every dude in here's measured his dick before.
And I don't mean just with a ruler.
Anything that could be the shape of a dick.
Hair brush, shampoo bottle.
Ladies, if you ever go in the bathroom
and you see the remote control there,
like, why is the remote control in here?
'Cause we gotta get scaled.
Women don't measure their genitals.
I dunno if it's 'cause you're smarter than us
or because you just haven't figured out how yet.
I mean, what would you do?
Would you fill it with water and stand over a bucket?
I got two cups of pussy.
2 cups of pussy sounds like a Mega Nostalgia song.
Two cups of pussy...
I like Mega Nostalgia, but...
I do not understand WAP.
Like, wet-ass pussy all the time? For real?
You got like a condition or some shit?
That's right, my pussy's wet all the time.
Funerals, birthday parties...
court.
Let's talk about the purity rings.
For those of you who don't know,
purity rings are worn to demonstrate
that you're abstaining from sex before marriage
and the Jonas brothers, they all had them.
Like, I know this is a roast
and you will think I should be going after them,
but I think we need to set the record straight.
No, the rings weren't a good idea.
Yes, as a gesture,
they're laughably toe-curlingly lame,
but remember,
this was about more than a gesture.
This was about faith. This was about principle.
This was about taking a stand
and setting an example.
Look, Joe Jonas wasn't just
sticking his fingers in some dumb metal rings.
He was sticking his fingers in co-stars, actresses,
and even a supermodel or two.
Hey, whoever invented the bagpipes,
I don't think he's finished yet.
You ever look at that monstrosity?
He must have thought there was a deadline
at the patent office.
He probably just ran in and threw that on a counter.
"Am I too late?"
"What in the world is that?"
"It's a bag with pipes stuck in it."
"I stuck the pipes in a bag."
"Bagpipes."
"No, I see it."
"Why?"
"What does it do?"
"It's a bag with the pipes
sticking in and out of it."
"What does it do?"
Beep.
"What does it do?" Beep.
"What does it do?"
Why?
What does it do?
How can you tell
if anybody is ever playing them well?
You have a guy over here... beep, beep.
He's the best!
This guy's over here...
He doesn't know how to play that thing.
Stick your outboard motor in the bag.
Everybody knows that.
An open window
A novel A couple holding hands
An avocado
A poem
Written in the sand
Fresh fallen snow on the ground
A golden retriever in a flower crown
Is this heaven?
Or is it just A White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
A latte foam art
Tiny pumpkins
Fuzzy comfy socks
Coffee table made out of driftwood
A bobble head of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
A needlepoint of a fox
Some random quote from Lord of the Rings
Incorrectly attributed to Martin Luther King
Is this heaven?
Or am I looking at A White Woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
Her favourite photo of her mum
The caption says I can't believe it
It's been a decade since you've been gone
Mama I miss you
I miss sitting with you in the front yard
Still figuring out
That I keep living without ya
It's got a little better but it's still hard
Mama I got a job I live in my own apartment
Mama I got a boyfriend and I'm crazy about him
Your little girl didn't do too bad
Mama I love you Give a hug and kiss to Dad
A goat cheese salad
A blacklit hammock
A simple glass of wine
Incredibly derivative political street art
A dreamcatcher bought from Urban Outfitters
A vintage neon sign
Three little words A couple of dogs
And a ring on her finger from the person she loves
Is this heaven?
Or is it just A White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram
White woman
A White woman's Instagram