This one is between a husband and a wife.
Our first contender, he's done multiple TV specials,
has a hit podcast, and is a regular at The Comedy Cellar.
He's battling his spouse, so tonight's the only time
he's going to be called a wife beater.
Everyone do it up for the soon to be divorced Joe List!
His opponent/wife was born in South Africa,
so I'm assuming she was in desperate need of citizenship.
You've seen her on Colbert
and soon she'll be sleeping apartheid from her husband.
Give it up for the albino [inaudible] Sarah Tollemach.
This is the perfect example of verbal domestic violence.
My brother-in-law's
a great divorce attorney if this goes really bad.
Good to know. Thank you.
I can't afford to pay him.
What made you two won a battle
as a married couple?
The money.
Sarah Tollemach: All right, hell yeah.
I'm excited about this one,
Jeff. I am very close
with both of them and knew them before they were together.
I watched them fall in love, I was there.
Nikki was there.
I was trying to get her.
Wow.
Just kidding.
Me too.
Menagetois. Menagetois.
I'll consider, I'll consider.
Moses, hold on,
before you give the rules.
Yes sir.
I know we get a lot
of celebrities come by Roast Battle,
but fucking Saudi Prince is here.
Saudi Prince is in the house
all you bitches.
Have you seen
these two battle before?
No, it looks like
a good battle my friend.
In my country we don't let the women speak,
but it looks like you have a Harry Potter
if he was cast as John Oliver,
going against a Amy Adams reflection in a heroine spoon.
All right,
let's light it up Moses. Tell them the rules.
Here are the rules
of the roast battle:
Original material only, no physical contact,
and at the end of every battle, we hug.
Joe, Sarah,
who wants to go first?
I'll go first.
Husband, wife,
till death do you part.
Joe, you made diss the bride. Let's roast.
Thank you. Sarah and I,
we did get married last year. Sarah refused to take my name
because she's a strong, independent woman,
who makes her living opening for her stronger,
more successful husband.
That hurts.
When I first started dating Joe,
he was an alcoholic, has OCD, and herpes.
I know, he had more red flags than the Chinese Army,
except the Chinese Army has a chin.
I love you.
Sarah, you're a beautiful,
talented woman. I'm not good at this.
Sarah and I have our own me too story, unfortunately.
Every time someone comes up to me and says,
I think your wife stinks at comedy,
I say, me too.
Joe has OCD, which is weird,
because his dick is a mess.
Oh my God.
Wow, God. Sarah used to be a stripper,
believe it or not, that's true. There's more.
The crowd she's ever performed for
is not opening for me, it's opening her butt cheeks
for the Starlet Nightclub at Queens.
It was too many words, I knew it.
I'll be there all weekend.
A lot of times
when Joe and I argue and he's losing,
he likes to tell me to go back to Africa.
I know, partly because I am from Africa,
but mostly because he's from Boston.
Sarah is originally from Africa.
It's hard to tell.
There's nothing African about her except for her vagina,
which looks and smells like a baboon's ass.
You know what?
Joe has actually has been really nice.
He's opened a lot of doors for me.
He's gotten me a lot of spots at clubs and on my pussy.
Last joke.
You know, they say
you are what you eat.
I guess that's why I'm such a stinky,
continent asshole on your birthday.
Thank you. Oh my God.
Joe and I decided
not to have kids.
Not because we don't want them, but mainly because I'm worried
that the baby will have Joe's teeth
and get snagged on my pussy.
Joe List, Sarah Tollemach.
It isn't herpes. Who do you like Jeff?
We just made Roast Battle
history tonight. You two, a married couple.
Joe, you got just as many groans as last time.
Like in our sex life.
Sarah, you were so funny
tonight, every joke hit.
I thought you blew this guy away tonight. Great, great battle.
Joe, have fun sleeping on the couch. Sarah got my vote.
This was great to watch.
It's great to watch a marriage crumble in real time like that.
Joe, I'm a huge fan of yours.
I think you're one of the best standup comics
in this competition.
I do not understand how you got this woman
to marry you. You are so fucking lucky.
Thank you.
It's ridiculous.
Sarah, I thought you took this.
I thought that you just fucking came out and destroyed him
the way I expect all women to try to destroy their husbands
without the [inaudible].
As a female comic
who dates male comedians,
I look at you guys and I just go,
this is what I want to avoid.
No, watching you guys roast each other was so much fun.
You can tell there's so much love behind it.
Joe, you went soft a little bit on Sarah,
which I'm sure she's used to.
Sarah, you laid the groundwork so well
by spelling out all of his insecurities right away,
and then you hit them all joke by joke.
It was masterful.
Sarah Tollemach for the win on this one for me.
Your winner of the husband
and wife match up is, Sarah, Tollemach.
Hug each other. Oh yeah.