-Gelato.
Mama mia!
PINK (OFFSCREEN): Come on, Blue, please.
BLUE (OFFSCREEN): I'm not going to tell you.
PINK (OFFSCREEN): Please,please, please.
-No way.
I got you the greatest birthday present of all time.
I'm not going to spoil the surprise.
-You're such a jerk.
-Ah!
Oh, my god!
Ah.
-Wow!
You a jerk and a wuss.
-No.
Ow.
-All right you pussy.
I got to go to work.
See you later, Blue.
I'll call you tonight.
-Okay, smoopsie poo-poo pie.
-I can't wait to see what youget me for my birthday.
-Hey, toots!
-Go to hell, Red.
-Okay!
See you there!
-Ahh.
Gelato.
-Dude, this place is a dump.
-You know where there is a dump?
Your bed.
Ha ha ha!
-God dammit, dude.
Not again.
Use the toilet!
[sighs]
-Gelatto.
-Huh!
Mr. Dingleberry.
-You haven't paid rent in eight months.
-Oh, my god.
You're right.
Here, let me get my checkbook.
-Okay.
I'll just wait right here.
-Gelato.
Ow.
Again.
[sighs]
-Expired, expired, rotten, poison.
-Dude, you've been playing that first
level for three hours.
Can you really not make that jump?
-I can make it.
I just hate that little guy.
-Ow.
Momma mia!
-Move over.
I've got a degree in advanced joystick theory and I ain't
afraid to use it.
-Yeah, I heard you practicing last night.
-Uh, Olivia.
Oh, Mon.
You do it for me every time.
There, done with hand crocheted towel of Olivia Mon.
Time to jack off.
Let me show you how this shit's done, son.
-What the fuck?
Who took the lights?
-I mean, we haven't paid the electricity bill in seven
months.
-We pay for electricity?
-You don't!
I do.
[gasps]
-Wait!
All of our food's going to go bad!
-All of our food is bad!
-Can't let precious foods go to waste.
-Dude, you know that's all expired?
-I don't care!
-Oh, god.
Not the milk!
-I'll keep you safe in my belly, cow juice.
Ah.
I think I'm gonna vom.
-Hey, listen.
I, I got a big problem.
I totally just lied to Pink.
-Ahh.
-Her birthday's next week andI told her I got her the
greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything!
-Give her this mayonnaise jar.
Ahh.
-No.
Come on.
You know what girls like, right?
What should I get her?
-Hey, you should go see the raccoon--
-See who?
-The rac--
-What are you trying to say?
-I can only say so many words before I--
-The raccoon!
-Oh.
-He's got the coolest stuff.
[gasps]
-Yesh!
I don't know if I should get my girlfriend a
gift in the pawn shop.
[gasps]
-You should get her this cool hat!
-Yeah, try it on.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) So, you want a gift for your girlfriend, hey?
-Whoa.
How'd you know?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) You talk very loud.
RED (OFFSCREN): Fits perfect!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Did you touchthat fucking bear trap?
-No.
Idiot.
-Um.
So me and my girlfriend have been dating a long time and I
want to get her somethingsuper romantic.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I've got the perfect gift for you.
But first, a story.
-BOTH: No!
-People stories.
-(ASIAN ACCENT)A long time ago in ancient Japan my country
was at war.
My small village was all that was left.
Knowing I may die in battle, I gave my wife a symbol of
undying love, a lotus flower.
Armed with the weapon of my ancestors, the Great Sword of
Destiny, I'd have to confront my fate.
But the mighty beast, Ocho Muerto, emerged from the sea
and took my wife.
I was too late.
In my rage, I fought the Tachigami Demon Army and slew
ten hundred thousand hundred warriors.
Honorably, all that remain wasArmor Tachigami himself.
Though he shattered the bread and scattered it to the wind,
as he lay dying he said to me, fuck you.
He was a douche bag.
-You may have won the battle, raccoon, but the ghosts of my
warriors will haunt the Great Sword of Destiny forever!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) And with that he died, but his curse remains
guarding the sword against any who may seek to use it's great
power again.
But the power of the bread wastoo strong, even for me.
And in the fury of battle, I found I destroyed not only the
Tachigami Demon Army, but all of Japan!
Dishonored, my kinsmen banished me from my home never
again to return.
Oh.
Sorry.
I was bored by my own story.
-Wait!
So where's the sword?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) There is only one left alive who knows.
-Who?
-Hold up.
Why the hell would I give Pink a sword?
This is retarded.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) No!
Bring me the sword and in return, I shall give you the
greatest gift a girl--
No!
A woman--
No!
A goddess could hope to ever receive.
-Is it a dick?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Yes.
-Ha.
Really?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) No.
Ha, ha, ha!
You're very gullible.
-Well, who even knows where it still is?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) You must find the man who considers me his
greatest enemy, my son, Son Sun.
-Nope.
You're weird.
I'm just going to go buy her some flowers.
-Shit, I'll find that sword.
This sounds awesome.
-What?
Really?
-Yeah, man.
It's a 10,000-year-old sword hidden in Japan guarded by
demon ninjas.
That's the most awesome thing I've ever heard of!
-Dude, you're going to get yourself killed going after
that thing.
-Maybe.
But at least I'm not a god damn Pussy!
-I'm not a pussy!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) You are a pussy with a capital vagina!
I told you about the bread because I thought you would
have the courage to do something extraordinary.
-Yeah, right.
All he does all day is sit in his room
playing with his joystick.
He'd totally get killed.
Have fun staying home, man!
I'll send you a post card.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Ahh.
This was a mistake.
Only a true hero could find thegreat sword of destiny.
But I can see now, it is not you.
-You're wrong.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Oh?
-Yeah.
I'm going to find the shit out of that sword.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) It's going to be very dangerous.
-Good, pussy's hate danger and I'm not a pussy.
Give me that!
-Aw, yeah!
Time to get our quest on!
Woo!