- Nobody ever died because they couldn't get laid.
Frank Beach, who was an ethologist
in the middle of the 20th century,
went to a conference in 1956 and said,
"No one has ever suffered tissue damage for lack of sex."
If you want to prove to me that sex is a drive,
show me the tissue damage that an organism experiences
because they do not have orgasms.
For the first half of the 20th century,
scientists more or less treated sex as a drive.
'Drive' is a very specific kind of motivational system
where an organism experiences
an uncomfortable internal experience
that pushes them out into the world to go solve a problem.
So thirst is a drive.
Hunger is a drive.
Sleep, even, is a drive.
You can literally die of sleep deprivation.
Sex, it turns out, is not one of those.
Instead, it is an 'incentive motivation system,'
where instead of being pushed into the world
by an uncomfortable internal experience,
you are pulled into the world by an attractive something
or other out into the- "Ooh, ooh, what's that?"
We can go ahead and say "sex drive":
I understand that that is much easier to say
than sexual incentive motivation system.
It is just as innate and just as natural as a drive system,
but it's just not an uncomfortable internal experience
that pushes you to go solve a problem or else you could die.
If I'm teaching like a group of students,
someone will be like, "Excuse me ma'am, Miss Emily.
I'm pretty sure I have experienced
an uncomfortable internal experience
when I could not get the sex I wanted."
And that is correct, you have.
The sensation you're experiencing is frustration.
There is a little monitor in your brain that has goals
and keeps track of how much effort you're putting into it,
and how much progress you're making,
gets really frustrated
that there is something you would like a lot.
It's not a basic biological need,
which means you are not entitled to it.
No one has any obligation
to make sure you have enough of it.
It is the oldest, most established piece of science
in all of "Come as You Are,"
and yet it's the only idea that has ever caused anyone
on Twitter to call me a stupid (beep).
People have feelings about this
'cause they feel like I'm taking something away from them,
when in fact I am giving them the freedom
to be able to experience sexual desire
and know that nothing bad is gonna happen.
Nobody ever died because they couldn't get laid.
The closest thing to a scientific argument for the idea
that it might be a drive is,
"Okay, if it's not about individual survival,
it is about genetic survival.
What about a drive to move my genes
into the next generation?"
That is not how biological psychologists
define the term drive.
The way we get motivated to have sex
is that something sexually relevant happens
in our environment and our brain notices that,
and is like, 'turn on signal,'
and you notice a sensation in your body maybe
in response to that turn on signal.
And that sensation is itself a turn on signal
and that goes up to your brain,
and you get even more turn on signal.
And it, "Hmm, hmm, what's that?
I wanna move toward that."
In the right context, you're like,
"I would like to explore further this sensation."
It's motivating because it feels good in the right context.
Why do we have sex?
Because it feels good.
So while it is true that no one has ever died
because they couldn't get laid,
because we cling to this myth
that sex is a biological need to which people are entitled,
it is the case that people have died.
A surprisingly large proportion of the mass murders
that happen are committed by people who declare
that their motivation is that they're not getting access
to the sex that they want and need.
If we just understand that sex
is a pleasure-based motivation,
not a life- and safety-based motivation,
we can free ourselves into the joy
and ecstasy that's available to our bodies
when we're not feeling frustrated and angry
about a sense of failure to get something
that we feel like we're supposed to be able to get.
If it's not about getting,
but about connecting and feeling the sense of freedom
that comes with letting go of the "shoulds"-
and we don't get those things through a false belief
that something we just really want
is something we are entitled to and require for our safety.
The new and radical idea is pleasure is what matters.
Connection is what matters.
Authentic humanity is what matters.
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