(upbeat music)
(Rekha sighs)
(Grant sighs)
(Ally sighs)
- What's the matter? - Father's Day's coming up.
I have no idea what to get my daddy.
- Tell me about it.
My dad, he buys everything that he wants for himself.
So it makes it impossible. - Not my dad.
My daddy. - Our daddies, Raph.
- Isn't that what I just said?
- No (laughs), not a dad.
A daddy. (sensual music)
- Like daddy. - Oh!
Like a sex daddy? - Yes, exactly.
- Daddies. - Daddy.
- Do they get Father's Day gifts though?
That seems like a little disrespectful to your dad.
- This isn't about my dad.
It's about my daddy. - Yeah.
- Day after day, I beg my daddy for the wildest things,
and daddy gives it to me, yes, daddy, yes.
But Daddy's Day is the one day a year
that daddy can get what daddy wants.
- Oh, okay. - But daddies are impossible
to shop for. - Especially my daddy.
We're a little strange, and I beg my daddy.
Daddy, please, but daddy won't get me what I'm thirsty for.
Not yet.
Not until he says so. - Hm, typical deadbeat daddy.
- Court ordered him to give it to me good,
but most days, I don't even see him.
Then, when I do, he tells me I've been a bad little girl
and I need to be punished, no, daddy, no.
- And you're still gonna get him a gift?
- He's my daddy, no matter how rough daddy treats me, yes.
I just don't know what to do.
- Well, what do your daddies like?
- See, that's just it, I've been sitting here,
browsing and thinking.
Do you like that, daddy?
Do you like that?
Yeah, daddy, do you like that?
Oh, daddy like?
Yeah, oh, daddy like?
And it made me realize I have no idea what daddy like.
- Hm, what about you, Ally?
- Well, my daddy just disappeared one day.
- Oh. - Oh my god.
- Oh, daddy, no. - The thing is,
now I'm somebody else's daddy.
And I don't know what I'm doing.
Am I treating my little slam pig the way she deserves?
Oh yeah?
Am I being too hard on her?
Or do I need to be harder, harder?
Am I giving it to her so right, so right, don't stop?
I don't know. - It must be so hard
to be a daddy. - You're not a daddy.
At your age? - Hey, it doesn't happen
for some people, Jesus. - Okay.
- And that's why I don't know what to get him.
- Well, you know he's a daddy.
How 'bout a daddy-related gift.
- That doesn't seem fair.
Like sure, he's my daddy, but that's not all he is.
He has a dreamer inside of him.
And a poet.
(laughs) Sometimes both on the same night.
But that's not the side I see.
'Cause I'm usually blindfolded.
- Hm. - Can I be honest?
It kinda feels like you guys are makin' up a stupid problem
for yourselves, just send a card or something.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
- Eh. (upbeat music)
(bells ding) (upbeat music)
- Wow, you guys look busy.
- Hell yeah, we're busy, it's Cyber Monday.
- Oh, right, there's supposed to be a bunch
of great sales today, right?
I just, I can't get over the blatant consumerism.
- No, you idiot, not Cyber Monday.
Cyber Monday. - Oh no.
- Cyber Sex Monday. - No!
- Wanna cyber? - Oh, cyber!
- Stop it! - Cyber ass out.
- You sexy idiots!
That's not what Cyber Monday is!
- Of course, it is, Raph.
Have you heard the words cyber used in any other context
for the last 10 years?
- Mm.
No, I'm right here, this isn't about sex.
It's about online sales. - Yeah, it is.
It's the time of year when businesses take so much off.
- That's not what I meant. - 20 percent off.
(gasps) 50 percent off. - Oh yeah, take it all off.
- Oh, look at these prices go down.
- I love watching them go down.
- Oh my god! - Yes!
- Oh yeah! - It's so amazing!
- Oh! - That they discount it
like that! - Ah!
- Oh! - Stop doing that.
- Oh. - Yes, cyber, yes!
- Yeah! - Cyber, cyber, yes!
- No, no! - Usually, we get hard
by big corporations, but this is the one day a year
we get softly. - Aw!
- That's really sweet. - That's gross!
- No. - You can't actually get off
on this? - Of course, we can.
- I can get off on anything. - It's about erotic language.
I tell them what I want, and they give it to me.
- And this little corporate tells 'em everything.
Age.
Sex.
Location.
Credit card number.
Shipping preferences. - Save it for the keyboard!
- Maybe I will! - What does that mean?
- Ooh yeah! (bells ding)
Cyber! - So you're cybering
with businesses? - Yeah!
I'm all over this clothing company right now.
My shopping cart is just a list
of the things I'm not wearing.
- Ooh! - Oh my, yeah!
- This is stupider than Daddy's Day!
- Hey, what? - Daddy!
- Yes, daddy! - No, not thing again.
- Yes! - Raph, you're missing out.
- Stop! - Daddy!
- I found a hot little item and with just a few keystrokes,
it's coming! - It's coming?
- It's coming. - Oh yeah, it's coming!
(Ally gasps) Oh, it's gonna come.
- It came, winky face. - Oh!
- Oh!
Awful! - I can get it again
if you give me a second. - No!
- Oh, loosen up.
Don't you wanna cyber a little?
- Yeah, come on, it's Cyber Monday.
- That's what this day is all about.
Going online and finding some dumb little thing.
Thinking about how much you want it.
Oh.
- Oh (moans)! - Yeah!
- You're gonna mess up your computer.
- Oh! - Getting that exciting rush
just imaging holding that big ol' package.
- You know you shouldn't be doing it.
- But you want it so bad. - So bad!
- Oh, it's the tension of waiting for it.
Then, the release.
And then the deep sense of regret once you get it.
- Oh, cybering is so good. - Okay!
I think I'ma work from home today.
- Oh yeah,
Raph's gonna get nasty! - Yeah.
- He didn't even take his laptop.
- What did that mean when you were like--
- What is the keyboard thing? (bright music)
- Someone gonna sign for this?
- (laughs) He is fun! (bright music)
(keyboards click)
(Raph laughs)
- Well, I bet you three have some big plans
lined up for tonight, huh? - What?
- You know, it's Valentine's Day.
(Raph laughs) - Yes?
It is Saint Valentine's Day. - Saint Valentine's.
- Ye that holy man, Saint Valentine of Rome!
Ye, we honor him today.
- Oh, Valentine, ye! - Ye!
- Oh, Valentine! - Ye, ye!
- Ye, ye! - 'Tis so ye.
♪ Amen ♪
- Seriously?
You three are a bunch of horned up sex hounds
on every other day like Father's Day!
- Oh, Daddy's Day! - And Cyber Monday!
- Oh, cyber, yes! - Practically once a week,
in general. - Thirsty Thursday.
- But today is the one holiday that's actually sexy!
(Ally gasps) - Sexy?
- Ew! - Sexy?
- No, no! - Oh my!
We would never disrespect this holiest of days
with sexual intercourse.
- It is a holy day.
- Really?
Because the last time that you said a day was holy,
you then said that it was a day to get your holes filled.
- Ah! - Oh my god!
Raph, please stop blaspheming, okay?
Today's a day of religious observance.
- He is come. - He is come!
He is come! - Please, Raphael.
Some respect. - What?
He's the saint of romance, marriage, and love.
- And he's also the saint of beekeeping.
And that's who we decide to honor today.
- And that's what you find sexy, do you?
- Look at him, his twisted mind delights
in imagining the sticky, sweet flesh of the beekeeper.
Saint Valentine protect us!
- Oh, Valentine, ye! - Oh, protect us, yes!
- Ooh, Saint Valentine! - Saint Valentine!
- You guys really aren't doing anything sexy tonight?
- Well, I mean, if you must get personal,
I do plan on making love. - Okay!
There we go! - By which I mean,
I will create a general feeling of love within myself
and send it up towards God in Heaven.
- And I will make myself grow hard.
So hard
against temptation. - And I will grab
a bottle of oil and strip myself
of pride and anoint the icon Saint Valentine
on this holy day! - No!
It's Valentine's Day! - Valentine, ye!
- All the kinky shit that you guys were doing
on every other day, that's what today is for!
Find someone you love. - We have!
- Light some candles. - We will.
- Put on some music. - We did!
- And get nasty!
- (scoffs) You disgust me. - Disgusting?
- Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to think
about how bad I've been while I flog myself.
- But that's the kind that turns you on.
- Perhaps, yes.
But today will be the one day I don't enjoy it.
- Oh!
You're all impossible.
- Raph, if you could just
respect this religious holiday today,
and if you want to talk about sex,
wait until March 5th. - What is that, Fat Tuesday?
- It's Thick Tuesday. - Oh, Thick Tuesday!
- Thick and slick, baby! - Oh!
- Thick, slide on in! - Good job!
- There we go. - Do it, do it, do it to me!
Do it to me, oh, yeah!
Oh yeah! - Stick it up there.
- Okay, that's too far. (bright music)
- Oh yeah, oh yeah! - My man melting!
- All right, we don't need to get into this again.
It's still Valentine!
It's still Saint Valentine's Day!
(bright music)
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