(Derek yelling)
- Waters! How many beers will we have?
- Well, it has as many as it takes to tell a good story.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Cheers to you.
- And you.
- To everybody. - A little bit of this.
- Wait! you're not going to cheers?
All right.
- [Both] To space.
(glasses clink)
- Your finger got in the way of that one.
One, two, three.
To space. - [Derek] To space.
(glasses clink)
- Good connection.
(laughing)
- To every "naut."
- Cosmonauts and astronauts.
- To inventors.
(glasses clink)
Thank God for you.
Let's do this, man.
I feel so drunk.
- Hi. I'm Mark Gagliardi
and today we're going to talk about Robert Smalls.
(laughing)
(drink splashes)
- Oh my God!
- Let's do a shot.
- Alabama.
- Noroc shesa shasate.
- [Both] Three, two, one, we rarely do shots!
(glasses clinking)
(yelling)
(Derek laughing)
- I put too much of that.
(retching)
- Yeah, I puked once already before we ever started.
And like a true soldier, me and Beyonce, I kept drinking
and I'm going to make this (beep) night happen.
- [Derek] Because you're a (beep) hero.
- Bitches be doing it for themselves.
- Will you finish this story if I did it?
- I promise I will.
- Promise?
No slapping.
- I'm not going to slap you, Derek.
- What are you gonna do? - Derek.
- That was very nice.
- I'm gonna take a nap now.
- And this is, this is a-
Can you put that in your mouth?
(record scratching)
- This is math and science.
- It also reminds me of this.
I mean, see if, I don't wanna school you but.
- School me.
- Ta, ta, ti-ti ta.
- Ti-ti-
What do you know about ta and ti-ti ta's?
- Rest.
(Derek laughing)
- You just spoke my language.
- You know the ejaculate of a dolphin
can blast a human's head off?
- The ejaculate?
- Mm hmm.
(loud piano chords)
(jazzy piano music)
- There you go. It's all context.
- Rest.
♪ Of a sleeping city sidewalk ♪
♪ Sunday morning comin' down ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Baby oh yeah ♪
♪ Tonight's the night ♪
(guitars smashing)
- Right.
- All right.
(punches landing)
Okay! Okay!
- (laughing) That was really slow!
Like a hair.
- It's more than a hair.
- It's like a whole afro too slow.
- Yeah, I'm an afro too slow.
- How many-
(Derek yelling)
(beep)
(low-pitched yelling)
(beep)
- Sadie the GOAT!
- Big man got moves!
- Oh that swish swish bish shit?
- I can't. I can do a couple.
- Is this stupid?
- Yeah, but if we don't act stupid,
how will we ever learn how to be smart?
- This is my first attempt.
What's this called again, one more time?
- Pie?
- Oh, cool.
I'm not Jewish.
(laughing)
- Live long and prosper.
And then just-
- I do this. I go there.
- That's the shocker. (laughing)
- You know anything about Jonaye?
- Jon Benet?
Yeah I think the brother-
- R&B- (groans)
Change is gonna come.
(Derek laughing) - She also has to take gauze
and strap her boobs down.
- Was she like, oh my gauze.
- What?
- Was she like, oh my gauze?
- Oh my gauze. Holy shit.
(body crashing)
(Derek laughing)
- Boy, this television show is hard.
I get it. You guys are a real bunch of dicks.
You're laughing because you know that was a bit.
- It was a Chris Pratt fall.
- It's so crazy how it seems so easy when you're sober
to tell a story.
Wait, where was I?
Wait! I know!
- It's a "Sound of Music" reference.
Baby, you had me at...
- I don't know that.
- Hello!
- It's classic line from "Sound of Music"
where Maria goes, you had me at hello.
As in I was like-
- No, that's "Jerry Maguire."
♪ Hello, duh duh, Jerry Maguire ♪
- I don't want your life.
- No, it's slower.
- [Both] I don't want. Your life.
- Yeah. James Van Der Beek.
It's my (beep). He's my dude.
- Yeah, he's my Brando.
- Oh, what you're drinking tastes like poop.
- Mm?
- Oh, apple poop.
(laughing)
- This is my dog's...uh, penis.
And then I've also had his balls removed.
Give me back my balls.
You can't have 'em, I took them away!
But I have a full vagina.
(laughing)
(Derek whimpering)
(barking) - That's a really good dog.
Subtle too.
(Derek barking)
- No.
(Derek barking)
- No!
(laughing)
- Is it over? Yeah?
- That is not what they had, Alex.
Okay.
Oh, (beep) me.
- It hurts?
- Yes, it hurts.
(sighs)
- Look to the ceiling, Derek.
Oh, you're so much more pleasant putting water
over your head than my son.
He makes such a fuss. This is such a delight.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(hand slapping)
- Again (beep) you.
(bottles crashing)
- Don't do that, don't do that.
- I'm so proud of you.
- I love you.
- I love you too, Derek.
- I love you.
- Aw.
- You have stuck to your guns ever since you started
and that is what...
- You cried!
- I'm sorry.
- Can I get somebody else to do this?
(laughing)
- You are a gentleman,
but with just the right amount of a bastard.
(laughing)
Shit. Oh no, I'm drunk.