- And we look, I look out into the crowd,
you can't tell us apart, you can't.
You know how many Mexicans my mom walks up to
and goes, "Filipino?"
(audience laughs)
Mexican!
Sorry, sorry!
(audience laughs)
Sorry.
There's a way you can tell Asians apart from other Asians!
It's by their accent,
and only if they have accents.
(audience laughs)
Out of all the Asians, Koreans are the easiest.
'Cause when a Korean person talks,
they sound like they've been smoking weed all day.
(audience laughs)
Like, right before they talk just
(inhaling)
(unintelligibly imitates Korean)
(audience laughter)
(continues imitating Korean)
Koreans sound like Asian ghosts!
(imitates Korean in ghostly voice)
(audience laughs)
My best friend growing up was Korean.
I remember the first time I went to his house,
his dad yelled from upstairs.
I thought the fucking house was haunted.
(audience laughs)
Swear to god!
Right when I walked in.
(imitates Korean in ghostly voice)
I was like, "What the fuck was that?"
- He's like, "Ah, that's my dad,
"he just wants to know if you're hungry."
(audience laughs)
You can do that with any Asian.
Vietnamese.
(audience laughs)
What?
I haven't even done anything yet!
(audience laughs)
Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people.
You're my, I love you.
You're the smallest of the Asians.
(audience laughs)
You're smaller.
But I will tell you this, don't fuck with Vietnamese people.
They will fight anybody.
Those little fuckers will fight any
-they don't give a shit.
I don't care how strong you are, they will fight you.
They will run up to you and say shit.
(makes fluttering noises)
(audience laughs)
That's their little feet.
(makes fluttering noises)
I had one run up to me at the end of the show.
(makes fluttering noises)
(audience laughs)
"Hey dude, what you say to me like that dude?"
(audience laughs and applauds)
They talk real fast, you know they talk that fast!
They talk like this, real fast,
like, dude, what you say to me, like that, dude?
(audience laughs)
They talk real fast like that, dude.
Koreans sound like they've been smoking weed all day.
Vietnamese people sound like they've been doing cocaine
their whole life.
(audience laughs)
(snorts)
Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude.
Don't you talk to me like that, dude.
What you say to me like that?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Vietnamese people put a period
after every word that comes out of-
Hey. Dude. What. You. Say. To. Me. Like. That. Dude?
(audience laughs)
Vietnamese people go real high,
they go real high like this, dude.
Then they go down low, like (unintelligible noises).
(audience laughs)
Vietnamese people sound like they're in a car far away and
they drive by you real fast when they're talking to you.
(audience laughs)
Hey dude what you say to me like that?
(audience laughs)
Man, say that shit again, man.
Get out of the car and finish it.
(audience applauding)
Japanese.
(audience chuckles)
What?!
Ohhhhhh.
Japanese, only if they have accents, you can tell us apart.
Japanese, very distinct.
When a Japanese man talks, it come from diaphragm.
(audience laughs)
This way Japanese men talk.
(audience laughs)
Ha!
Hi!
Japanese.
(audience laughs)
Japanese woman, doesn't matter if she's 12 years old,
or 75 years old,
they always sound 12 years old.
(unintelligible cutesy noises)
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's why no one watches Japanese porn.
(audience laughs)
No one watches Japanese porn.
You know how annoying that shit is to watch?
(imitating Japanese male and female voices)
All right, let's go!
Uh-oh, keep going!
Uh-oh, in my eye!
(audience laughs)
(chill music)