Happy Friday, everyone.
Welcome to our show.
Let me introduce you to our cast.
Playing the role of my DJ, please welcome tWitch.
[CLAPPING]
tWtich, you may be a fake DJ, but you're
the best fake DJ in town.
Our next character is Average Andy.
[CLAPPING]
He's out in my backyard just in case he has cooties.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, you don't have to act,
because you're an average guy.
And you're average.
I'm your host--
Thank you.
--Ellen.
Would I call myself the hostess with the mostest?
No.
Is it true?
Yes.
I don't want to waste any time chitchatting
because we're about to play one of my favorite games.
Usually, we play a game called Spill the Tea.
Today, we're calling it Spill the Quaran-Tea.
Four people are going to reveal secrets about themselves.
I am going to try to match the secret to the person.
We can't play the game without our returning champ, Carol.
You remember Carol.
[CHEERING]
Carol.
Carol went--
[CHEERING]
Yeah?
Is that right?
OK, let's see.
[DING]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Justin, if you knew--
if you knew Carol like I know Carol--
She looks like a Hallmark movie.
[AWWS]
Aw.
You give really good hugs.
Joining Carol today are some of my wonderful staff members.
Hi, everybody.
Hi.
[CLAPPING]
Hi, Ellen.
Carol, what kind of dirty, dirty business
are you going to reveal today?
Oh, you'll be surprised.
Well, it must be hard for you during this quarantine
because you have to say 6 feet away from your swinger parties.
Yeah.
It's hard.
Yeah.
Matt.
Yes.
Matt has strong opinions.
He loves sunsets and has an obsession with paper towels.
Next, my writer Lauren.
You may remember her as Gina from Cat Week,
who loves to eat cat litter.
And I love that tWitch is playing. tWitch,
I'm going to get to hear a secret, that I--
I think I know everything about you.
Maybe you're actually a DJ.
Maybe I find out that you're a DJ.
[CHUCKLES] We'll see.
All right, if I can match all four,
I am going to win an amazing prize.
The first secret is, I've been kicked out of Macy's for having
sex in the dressing room.
[CLEARS THROAT] Carol.
When I was a kid, I wanted everyone to call me Denise.
Matt.
In high school, I locked my teacher in a closet.
Carol.
One time, I dislocated someone's shoulder during sex.
Carol.
All right, this one, I think this is going to be easy.
I am going to say--
I am going to say that Matt has been kicked out
of Macy's for having sex in a dressing room.
That seems like Matt for sure.
I wanted everyone to call me Denise.
That-- I'm going to put that on Lauren right now.
What's going on with Lauren's eyebrows?
[CHUCKLES] What is happening?
Hard--
I'm not sure.
But what's happening with your eyebrows?
I just haven't been able to get to a salon, you know?
I don't trust myself with a tweezer.
[CHUCKLING]
OK.
I can't-- I-- it's a small monitor.
So I can't really see.
But--
[CHUCKLING]
All right, I don't want to be rude.
Maybe those are her eyebrows.
I don't know.
They are.
But that-- all right.
Where are we?
In high school, I locked my teacher in a closet.
I am going to say that that's Carol.
And I'm going to put on tWitch, one time I dislocated someone's
shoulder during sex, even though, tWitch,
I just can't imagine--
and I can't imagine Carol--
well, let's just see how many I have correct right now.
[DING]
I have two correct.
OK, I think Carol wanted people to call her Denise.
And then what does that leave?
That-- the closet.
I have to change that, too.
I'm going to say, tWitch locked his teacher in the closet.
And Lauren dislocated someone's shoulder during sex.
I don't think it was Lauren's fault, but I know she likes--
I know she likes different positions.
And she was probably demanding of some kind of position.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, let's see.
[BUZZER]
Oh no.
Those were the only two I had right?
All right, I'm going to try it one last time.
All right, so switch those back.
Lauren wanted to be called Denise.
tWitch dislocated someone's shoulder.
I think I would have learned by now that Carol was kicked out
of Macy's for having sex.
I think she-- oh God, I give up.
Lauren, what is your secret?
Denise.
All right, that was right.
Carol, what's your secret?
Locked my teacher in the storage room.
[CHUCKLES]
All right.
tWitch?
Kicked out of Macy's.
[CHUCKLING]
Wow.
Yep, Matt, I knew it had something to do with sex.
So you dislocated someone's shoulder.
It was fine.
We just popped it back in and--
[CHUCKLING]
Kept going?
--kept going.
It was an accident.
Thanks, Matt.
You're welcome.
All right, nobody else had to explain theirs.
And you didn't need to explain yours.
tWitch, I'm shocked.
You were kicked out of Macy's having sex in a dressing room.
Yeah.
I mean, the--
Wow.
Yeah, the outfit she had on was nice.
It was--
[CHUCKLES]
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Wow, you're wild.
All right, that's how you play Spill the Quaran-Tea.
Thanks for playing, everybody.
I miss you all so much.
Now go put some pants on.
Get to those eyebrows, Lauren.
I will.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLING]