-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
I'm very excited about this.
Megan Thee Stallion is my co-host tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Megan Thee Stallion. Just a reminder
to our viewers at home -- to get the full Megan experience,
go ahead and press the W-A-P button on your remote.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news.
I saw that President Biden just kicked off
a seven-day summer vacation in South Carolina.
Yeah, South Carolina.
Right now, Delaware is like,
"Oh, looks like Mr. 40% in approval rating's
too good for us now, huh?" [ Laughter ]
Biden is relaxing in South Carolina.
You know some White House staffer's like,
"Freaking guy takes 18 sick days and then he goes
on a seven-day vacation. Must be nice."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Must be nice to be the president.
Oh, must be nice."
-[ Laughing ]
-Well, people are talking about this.
Yesterday, former President Trump
was deposed by New York attorney general,
and he chose to plead the fifth.
And then he just replied, "Same answer,"
to every question. [ Laughter ]
And it happened -- he did it for, like, four hours.
But I don't really see how that could really happen.
I mean, you know, keep saying the same answer all the time.
Uh, by the way, Tariq, I keep meaning to ask you,
what are you gonna do this weekend?
-Break.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Also, how do you slow down a car?
-Same answer.
[ Laughter ]
-What happened to those cool red glasses you used to wear?
-Same answer.
[ Laughter ]
-How do you eat a Kit Kat?
-Eh, same answer.
[ Laughter ]
-What do waves do?
-Same answer.
[ Laughter ]
-And what happened to your arm?
[ Laughter ]
-Same answer.
[ Laughter continues ]
-What's that movie I'm thinking of?
"Point..."
-Same answer!
-How do detectives solve cases?
-Same answer.
-What were Ross and Rachel on?
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
They were obviously dating, Jimmy.
He broke her heart.
He broke her heart!
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Tariq Trotter, everybody. -Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
-[ Laughs ]
-[ Laughing ] Oh, my gosh.
-Double thumbs up. Hey, guys, listen to this.
Today in North Korea, Kim Jong-un
declared victory against COVID.
[ Laughter ]
All right. It looks like
my end-of-summer-vacation plans are back on.
Okay. [ Laughter ]
To celebrate the victory, Kim Jong-un held a huge parade,
and then everyone got COVID again.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of COVID, the CEO of Moderna said that
vaccines for the virus will evolve like an iPhone.
[ Laughter ]
Let me translate that for you guys.
So, the COVID vaccine now costs $1,100.
[ Laughter ]
-Some entertainment news -- Disney+ just announced details
on their new ad-supported option,
which is called Disney+ Basic.
[ Laughter ]
Can I just get Disney minus the insults?
You know what I'm saying? I just feel --
Disney+ Basic. It's like Disney+,
but it's super into Uggs and pumpkin spice.
[ Laughter ]
It sounds more like a mean thing a princess --
a Disney Princess would call Barbie.
"She's Disney+ Basic."
[ Laughter ]
This is interesting. I saw that the show "Pennyworth"
on HBO Max has been renamed
"Pennyworth: The Origin of Batman's Butler."
[ Laughter ]
Well, HBO Max is actually introducing
a bunch of new shows, too.
For example, first there's "Dave: The Origins of Batman's
Butler Pennyworth's Friend."
[ Laughter ]
Then there's "Vinny: The Origins of Batman's
Butler Pennyworth's Friend Dave's Roommate."
[ Laughter ]
Then they have "Carl: The Origins of Batman's
Butler Pennyworth's Friend Dave's Roommate Vinny's
Brother-in-Law Who's Doing Pretty Well for Himself,
Dude Has an In-Ground Pool, Whaaat?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally -- that should have been finally.
[ Both laugh ]
Finally, "Carl's Butler: The Origins of Batman's Butler
Pennyworth's Friend Dave's Roommate Vinny's
Brother-in-Law Carl's Butler,
Who is Actually Pennyworth Again.
Remember Him?" That's it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A long name, but I get it.
Smart.
You guys hear about this? There's a new dating app
for conservatives coming out soon
that's called The Right Stuff.
[ Laughter ]
Unfortunately, people will go on a lot of bad dates
because they refuse to swipe left.
[ Laughter ] -Oh! Hey!
[ Applause ]
-When guys on the app are asked what their actual height is,
they plead the fifth.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, I --
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You know -- You know what that sound means.
Megan Thee Stallion is co-hosting!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, my goodness! -Hello!
-Oh, I love you. Look at that!
Come on! That's Megan Thee Stallion.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi! -Megan Thee Stallion!
-Hello! -Come on, welcome!
-Come on! -That's good. All right.
We got a long show. We've got a lot --
We got a lot of show. -Okay.
And, yeah, we got to hurry this monologue up.
-Okay -- I agree. -Okay.
-So I'm just gonna quickly go through the rest of it,
and you can give me quick reactions to each one.
-Okay, let's do it. -Okay.
-Joe Biden started a seven-day vacation.
-Classy. [ Laughter ]
-Pumpkin spice has already arrived.
-Bougie. [ Laughter ]
-Trump supporters are waving flags outside Mar-A-Lago.
-Ratchet.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-The new season of "Below Deck."
[ Laughter ]
-Sassy.
[ Laughter ]
-Simon Cowell's "AGT's" a hit.
-Moody. [ Laughter ]
-Officials in Florida asked people to stop
messing with manatees that are mating.
-Nasty. [ Laughter ]
-During yesterday's deposition, Trump repeated the word
"same answer" for four hours.
-Acting stupid. What happening?
-That's exactly -- There you have it.
That's correct. [ Cheers and applause ]
That is correct. You have it, right there.
-Exactly! -All right.
How about we tell some jokes? You down?
-Okay, let's do it. -All right, great.
Here we go. This is funny.
A mother in New Jersey celebrated her daughter's
graduation by renting a billboard with her face on it.
This is real. Take a look at this.
That's nice.
Also, a little bit embarrassing. -Yes. Graduation?
-Yes, exactly. But it's a little embarrassing.
But not as embarrassing as these other billboards that I saw.
First there's -- Look at this one.
"Rob, congrats on graduating high school,
and happy 35th birthday."
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's sad. -Okay.
-Give me one. -Okay. And then there's,
"Lucy, remember that time you hit reply all?
'Cause I do." [ Laughter ]
Okay. -Next, there's,
"Andrew, you did it! You got hemorrhoids."
[ Audience groans ]
On a billboard. -Okay.
And finally... [ Laughter ]
"R.I.P. Amanda. If you see this, call me.
I have bad news. Love, Dr. Brown."
-That's a terrible billboard to see.
-Terrible billboard. -Terrible billboard to see.
Finally, guys, everyone's traveling this summer,
and I read that the most mispronounced places
in the United States are Louisville, Spokane, and Boise.
-Okay. -Come on.
Those are easy. I never mispronounce any places
'cause you're looking at a professional announcer.
Go ahead, try me.
-I mean, I guess I can test you real quick, if you want.
What's this city? -Easy.
Cheesecake. [ Laughter ]
-How about this city?
-Burning Man. Come on. Give me some harder ones.
[ Laughter ] You gotta rapid-fire me.
-Rapid fire. Okay, I'm not sure
that's a great idea, but here we go.
How about these cities? -Okay.
Pepsi-Cola. [ Laughter ]
Lululemon. [ Laughter ]
Beyoncé. -Yes!
-Bloomin' Onion. [ Laughter ]
"Sex and the City." [ Laughter ]
Harry Belafonte. [ Laughter ]
Dave Coulier, damn. [ Laughter ]
Hadouken! -Yes!
-Nipples. [ Laughter ]
Oh, Banana Penis. Mm. [ Laughter ]
Mini-penis. [ Laughter ]
My Anus. [ Laughter ]
Man's Asses. [ Laughter ]
And Masturbates-ville. [ Laughter ]
-All right, all right. Stop, stop. That's plenty.
Enough. That's -- [ Cheers and applause ]
-Okay, wait. -That's more than enough.
-Okay, wait. Higgins is right.
This is easy. I want to do some.
-Sure, you can try that one, if you want to.
-Boom.
[ Laughter ]
Easy. Vagina.
[ Laughter ]
-How about this one?
-West Vagina. -All right, stop, stop, stop.
All right, let's just stop.
I don't want to play this game anymore.