-Welcome back. We are here with Jerry Seinfeld.
His new book, "Is This Anything?",
is available now.
Did I do you already?
-No, you just -- You're the only person
that says it the right way.
That's the way comedians say it.
-We're about to do something fun.
This is the "Seinfeld Challenge."
-♪ Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Seinfeld,
Challenge ♪
-We asked our viewers to pick up your book
and record themselves doing their favorite Seinfeld routine.
Your book has stand-up, every bit that you've ever done
from the '70s until today.
There's a lot to choose from.
Tonight, we're gonna watch some of these submissions
and see how they did.
First up, we have Ashley Gutermuth
from Wrightstown, New Jersey.
She's doing your bit about talk-show hosts.
Let's take a look at this.
-How come talk-show hosts never have any idea
how much time they have?
They're always looking off-camera.
"Do we -- do we have time for this?
How we doing on time?
Are we out of time?
We're out of time."
It's your own show.
Why do you know nothing about how it works?
You never see Magnum, P.I., going,
"Are we gonna -- we gonna strangle this guy?
or are we gonna take a break?
I tell you what.
I'll bonk him on the head.
We'll take a quick break, come back.
I'll drive in the car real fast, okay?
Stay with us."
[ Laughter ]
-That was great. -That was great, right?
-That was really good. -That's funny.
-She seemed to have it memorized, too.
She got every word right. -And crushed it. Yeah.
-Do you know that bit? -Yes. I love that bit.
Was that -- Did you do that on "Letterman"?
-Many years ago, yeah, in the '80s.
"Magnum, P.I." gives it away. -Yep.
Alright, next up, we have Hans Hoefer
from Issaquah, Washington.
This is a classic bit. This is the McDonald's bit.
-Oh. Uh-huh. -Alright. Let's see.
-The McDonald's sign -- what is that up to now
Like 89 billion hamburgers?
89 billion.
What an outrageous number.
I mean, I would really like to sit down with
the C.E.O. of McDonald's and say, "Look, we get it.
You've sold a lot of hamburgers.
89 billion, quadrillion, cotillion hamburgers,
whatever that is."
Why not just put up a sign that says,
"McDonald's -- we're doing very well."
-I think he landed. I think he landed.
-The fun part of that bit is -- I want to bump into the --
I would love to meet the chairman of McDonald's
so I could go, "Look, we all get it."
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, you're right. -That's the fun part.
-That's the fun part, yeah. -That's the attitude.
-He had added props and he had kids' toys,
so I'll give him points for that one.
But this one -- Here's Magda Mihaila from France
trying your routine "Mad Cow."
-What I love about the mad cow disease is that,
of course, we try to blame it on the cows.
"It's not our fault. These cows are crazy."
They're nuts. They're out of their minds."
We show them sliding down the slippery ramps,
all out of control.
And the cows are probably like,
"Oh, sure, you're drinking me, eating me, wearing me,
sneaking up on me, and tipping me over,
and I'm the one who's off?"
[ Laughter ]
-In front of cows. -In front of cows.
That's the next level of comedy is,
you actually go to the premise.
-To the joke.
-Yeah, of the joke. Yeah, you're there.
-Oh, my gosh.
I have one more here to do -- Phew!
Here to do your bit about the post office.
-Oh. -Watch me. Watch this.
[ Clears throat ] -Oh. Oh!
-Yeah. Here we go.
-Okay.
-The post office always has this emotional, financial meltdown
every 3 to 5 years that their business model from 1630
isn't working anymore.
I can't understand how a 21st century information system
based on licking, walking, and a random number of pennies
is struggling to compete.
What is the reason?
Makes no sense.
Then they always push the Postmaster General
out on TV to explain their differences.
Always have to make a big speech.
He's all freaked out.
He has rings under his eyes, no shave, pulling all-nighters.
"We can't do it anymore!
We got to go up a penny on the stamps!
There's no way around it!
We're trying to get some breathing room!
The costs, the infrastructure!"
And we're all like, "Dude, dude, relax.
Raise it a penny.
We don't even know how much a stamp is anyway.
44, 53, 62.
Make it a buck.
You're gonna get there.
And if it ends up you have some money left over,
buy yourself some pants and a real car."
♪♪
-Yes!
-Alright.
Do you remember that bit? -That was excellent.
You brought the maturity of the years,
the greater -- the condescension that only comes with age.
-The new Jerry impression, you go,
"What is the --" You sound like that almost.
"The guy's going in-to-the-thing with the post...
No, the thing I don't get about that..."
And you do that.
Then you sprinkle in a, "No!"
If you want. If you want to.
That's when you're already riding the wave.
That's showing off.
That's when you hang ten and you do something --
you show off a little bit.
And "seen" is a good word to do you, by the way.
One-word impression.
"Seen." -Seen?
-Yeah, like, "Have you seen yourself?"
-Oh, right.
[ Laughter ]
"Have you seen..."
"Seen" is the one-word impression for the new Jerry.
-"Have you seen yourself?" is a hilarious line
that I do not have anywhere, but it's a perfect line for me.
"Have you seen yourself?"
[ Laughter ]
That's it. I should write for you.
-Yeah.
-"Right. I understand. But have you seen yourself?"
[ Laughter ]
"Have you seen yourself?" is the next bit.
I want to see it, please.
Alright, Jerry, unfortunate -- it's a tight race,
but there can only be one winner.
-Ashley Gutermuth is my winner.
-I agree. There you go. ♪♪
-She memorized the bit. -Ashley.
I totally agree, yep. -She performed it very well.
It's not even that funny, but she made it funny.
-We're gonna send her an autographed copy of your book...
-Oh, fantastic.
-...and a little "Tonight Show" swag.
My thanks to everyone who participated in
the "Seinfeld Challenge."
And, of course, Jerry Seinfeld,
thank you so much for being here.
It's always the best time. I love you, buddy, and be safe.
-So good to see you. Love you, too.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.