- She's just like the Terminator.
She just like, gets up.
And I was like I should have finished her off.
(audience laughing)
(dramatic music)
Welcome to This Is Not Happening
presents Fisticuff.
If you've never been to this show before
it's just a bunch of comics
telling fun stories
about real shit that happened.
- [Host] Give it up for Ari Shaffir.
(cheering)
- Thank you everybody.
The first time, like the very first time
that I physically struck, physically struck a woman
was um, (audience laughing)
oh, I would never fight a man.
There's no advantage there.
(audience laughing)
I have a clear advantage against women.
Why would I ever fight not a woman?
Shaquille O'Neal doesn't take three point shots.
You know what I mean, you stay in your zone.
But the, as long as women that are bigger than me
but the first one was,
I was, it was my sister.
I was 13, she was 15 and she had this habit
of taking her hand and just resting it,
like, inside her butt cheeks.
For hours, hours at a time.
Not outside the pants, inside the pants.
And then she would go not in the ass hole,
but right along the ass hole.
She played basketball, it wouldn't matter.
She just leave it in there.
For fucking five years.
What were my parents doing?
(audience laughing)
Why would they even allow that?
But anyway, whatever.
They never told her anything.
So she just left it there.
And I had gotten this jacket, this bomber jacket,
this leather bomber jacket for my bar mitzvah
that I was super stoked on.
It was the greatest thing ever, it was so fucking cool.
And I couldn't find it one day.
I remember looking around like,
where's my jacket, where's,
and I came downstairs.
I'm like Debra, have you seen my jacket?
And it was right next to her
and she fucking pulls her hand out,
she goes, it's right here.
With the ass hand.
She put ass on a leather jacket.
You can't get those in the rain.
And she goes it's right here
and I just fucking lost it and I spaz fought her
for about 10 minutes.
I'll fucking kill you.
I hate you.
And my dad had to come down and separate us.
I was so mad.
He was holding me back and I was
still trying to get kicks in.
Like, I don't, like I wanna see you dead.
(audience laughing)
And my dad had a habit of talking to me.
Like, "Ari, you can't, you can't hit a woman."
And I was like, "Why, why is that a rule?"
(audience laughing)
That's a stupid rule, what are you talking about?
What if they deserve it.
What if they touch your jacket
with their ass hand?
What about if they deserve it?
And he goes,
"Oh, they'll deserve it all the time.
(audience laughing)
"It's really not about that."
He said, "I almost punched your mom on the way down here."
(audience laughing)
I was peeing, she was halfway through,
I had to finish peeing and I walked past her,
she looked at me I was like I'll fucking.
But you can't do it, for some reason you can't do it.
And I was like, all right, I guess,
I'll take your word for it but,
this rule does not make any sense.
I never hit a woman again for about four years.
And then I went, my senior year of high school,
for the second semester we all went to Israel
for a semester.
I'm upper middle class Jewish.
I'm not gonna apologize, I've had a great, great life.
(audience laughing)
Probably, if you had it hard,
I didn't have that same hardship.
(audience laughing)
So we'd go there for four weeks,
for four months, excuse me.
My whole senior year and I was gonna lose
my virginity while I was there.
To this girl named Lisa (beeping).
She was the biggest slut in my high school.
She had sex with like one person ever.
So, but she broke up with the guy
like two weeks before and I always
had a crush on her.
You know when you just know, I just knew.
I was gonna lose my virginity to Melissa Schitol.
I even bought condoms in America
'cause I didn't know if the technology
had reached over there.
Do they do rubber there?
I don't understand.
So anyway, me and Lisa and the whole class
got to Israel and we all split up
and went to different kibbutz.
This is, this is so fucking ethnic.
I just realized that now but
a kibbutz is this thing that happens in Israel.
It's a utopian society, that's what they call it.
It's one village and it's self sustaining.
So somebody works on the farm,
somebody works in the dining room,
somebody takes care of the kids.
Everybody has a job.
My job was actively trying to get out
of any physical labor.
'Cause these hands just don't stay soft on their own.
So anyway, it came time where I was like,
I'm gonna go visit Lisa on her kibbutz
and I'm gonna do it.
And I asked my counselor if she could give me
leave to go visit her
and she goes no, you can't go.
And I was like why?
She goes you haven't done a single day of work
in two months that you've been here.
She was like, no you can't go.
I was so mad.
This girl, her name Orna, that was her name.
She was an ex-military.
And she was like no you can't go.
And I was like, what, I was so angry.
Nothing this fucking unfair ever
happened to anyone in their lives.
And I was so mad, I remember working off steam.
I was dunking, I was outside playing basketball,
I was dunking, they had these nine foot rims
so Jews could feel like winners.
(audience laughing)
You still had to work for it though.
You still had to try and I was dunking
and she came up just to explain to me,
just to explain like her side.
She goes Ari, you know I'm sorry.
It's nothing personal.
I just can't, it's a bad precedent.
I worked up the courage, I'm a good kid.
And I worked up the courage and I just go,
"Fuck you."
Did I go too far?
Nope, nope I didn't.
She goes all right and she starts to walk away
and then I went up to dunk again,
I remember getting in the air
and that voice on my shoulder was like,
"Hey, instead of dunking this one,
"why don't you chuck it in her face?"
(audience laughing)
I was like that's a great idea.
I should totally do that.
So I jumped and she's like 20 yards away,
and I just launched one.
As hard as I could, I remember thinking like,
Lord, guide my hand.
And I threw it and it had this spin on it
so it started left
and then it started coming back.
It had a little body language on it
like come on.
And it got about four or five feet from her face
and then I guess she decided she wanted to
tell me one more thing.
(audience laughing)
So Orna, she just turned and was like,
and the ball is just in the air
and I know it's thinking like,
oh, this is why I was created.
(audience laughing)
This is my moment.
I thought maybe one day to play in the NBA,
no, it's, I don't know what the word is,
but destroy this girl's face.
And that's what happened.
She turned and she goes boom.
And it just crushes her.
And she, you ever seen in like a bad special effects movie
like someone gets shot or punched?
And then like a full second will pass by
and then they fly back.
And you're like oh, that's horrible special effects.
It's not horrible special effects.
That's what happens.
This basketball hit her she goes ugh,
and then vibration went like all the way down
and then all the way back up
and then she flew backwards.
And my emotions were split.
Because half of me was like oh,
I just chucked a basketball at somebody's face.
And a woman's face, like, that's real guilt there.
But the other part of me is like,
I just chucked a basketball at some girl's face
from like 30 yards away.
(audience laughing)
It's one of the sickest shots I ever had
in my life.
Smell the roses.
(audience laughing)
And I remember sitting and thinking
for like two seconds like, ooh,
I don't know what.
And then she just like the Terminator,
she just like, gets up.
(audience laughing)
And she had a little blood, she just wiped it away
and stared at me as she walked away.
And I was like, I should have finished her off.
(audience laughing)
I made a huge mistake letting her live.
So she didn't do anything
until the next day in the dining hall.
She beat the fuck out of me, just tell you what it is.
But she walked right up to my table like this,
I'm eating sunny side up eggs.
She just walks right up and just stares at me like that.
And I looked, everybody gets quiet
because they all knew what happened.
And I didn't know what it felt like 15 seconds,
I didn't know what to say so then I just,
eventually I was like, I just missed the dunk
just so you know.
It was an accident.
And she just backhanded me.
But she like, she like turned like this far.
She bent at the waist.
I didn't even know what that was until years later,
I was reading a golf digest.
And they were breaking down Tiger Wood's swing
and they're like the power comes from the waist.
It's not the arms, it's the waist.
Like, here's a back hand.
Oh, that's pretty bad.
Oh, oh that's gonna hurt.
And then she dipped and just bah as hard as she could.
Spun me out of my chair.
Sunny side up eggs were just flying across the room.
It, I didn't wanna cry.
I was like.
(whimpering)
That hurt.
And then she picks me up by my collar
and she goes you touch me again I'll kill you.
Bah as hard as she could.
Slapped me to the ground.
And I never got to see Lisa's (beeping).
It was, until like a month later.
A month and a half later, I went,
we all like met up again in Jerusalem
and then I had a chance to bone her,
but she wouldn't say she loved me
so I wouldn't, God I was a pussy.
I said I love you and she was like, that's cool,
and I was like, oh what?
And I couldn't just take it.
I was like, do you love me?
Like, maybe she didn't know that was a hint.
She was like, no, I ain't seen you in like three months.
What are you talking about?
I was like, all right, I'll just go down on you
and eat you out.
(audience laughing)
And by the way, the only reason I used the term
eating you out is because at the time
that was the only term I knew.
And I'll just say it's a very confusing term.
(audience laughing)
Doesn't describe the act in any way.
And back in those days when you didn't have porn
on every fucking internet,
you just confused and I remember
looking at her vagina and going like,
all right, I guess it's time to eat.
(audience laughing)
Who eats like that?
That's what I'm saying.
Nobody eats like that.
Who eats like that?
(audience laughing)
There's nothing you eat like that way.
(audience laughing)
Invalids eat that way, old people.
Pudding.
(audience laughing)
So I went down there and I took off her underwear
and this fucking muff popped out at me.
I remember it was like Beetlejuice.
I was like oh.
And then I got through it, I remember going down there
and looking at her vagina and going, all right,
I guess and then just.
Biting at it like a baby pit bull.
Just working it.
(audience laughing)
And she screamed.
She was like what are you doing?
I was like, giving you the time of your life?
(audience laughing)
And I didn't lose my virginity for five more years.
All right, you guys, I'm done.
Thank you very much everybody.
(cheering)
Thanks for watching everybody.
That was the first episode of this run
of This Is Not Happening.
So this year we're doing two different topics.
We're doing fight stories and we're doing travel stories.
World of Blunder for travels
and Fisticuffs for fights.
If you haven't seen last years
check out some awesome stories
by Joey Diaz, TJ Miller, John Hock
told a great one about shitting his pants.
What I want you to do though,
what we're gonna do is have an interactive
YouTube situation.
I want you to leave comments on the best
fights you've ever been in
or the best fights you've ever seen
and leave that in the comments section
and then next week at the end of the video,
when Big Jay opens this video
we're gonna just show the best comments
that you guys made.
So put some good ones up there.
And that's it, don't forget to click
on this link right here to join in
the Reddit discussion.
Use This Is Not Happening
as a hash tag on Twitter.
Follow me on Twitter at Ari Shaffir
and that's it, join in every Tuesday everybody,
we're gonna put a new great story out every week.
So until then, see you next Tuesday.
(techno beeping)