- I'm Billy the Kid.
- Surrender now, or you will be killed.
- We know how to ride horses.
The Rough Riders.
- Ooh, ooh.
(triumphant music)
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about the legend of Billy the Kid.
You want me to do another one?
- No. - Hello.
- No, we're good. - Oh.
All right. - We're good.
- He was born William McCarty,
known as Billy the Kid.
As an adolescent, he stole cheese and then he got arrested,
and he escaped out of an outhouse.
That's when he felt like he was an outlaw.
(dramatic music)
You know, these ranch owners and these landowners
and these sheriffs were taking water and land
and money from the Indians, the Mexicans,
and Billy the Kid is the kind of guy that'd be like,
"(beep) you, you're not gonna do that.
I'm gonna shoot you and kill your people."
Boom boom boom, boom boom.
"And your sheriffs, maybe."
Pew, pew, pew.
He was loved by the Hispanic community,
and he apparently had a lot of Latina women that loved him,
but (laughs).
- [Derek] Did he date any?
- Oh, a lot of them.
He loved Latina women.
(jaunty piano music)
There was these stories
where he killed these people like Joe Grant.
He was the local drunk, apparently, at this bar,
and Billy the Kid was sitting there
and he didn't recognize him.
He said, "If I ever met Billy the Kid,
I'd kill him in cold blooded murder."
And he's like, "Okay."
And so Billy the Kid,
he said, "Man, I love your ivory handle."
And he turned it to where there was one blank
on that revolver,
and he said, "Hey, Joe Grant, I'm Billy the Kid."
(dramatic music)
"Oh really?"
And he walked out,
and heard (his mouth clicks),
and then Billy the Kid turned around
and shot that dude in the chin.
(chuckles) In the chin.
Well, you're an (beep).
Boom, boom, boom.
(jaunty piano music)
And what's crazy about Billy the Kid,
he could sing in a way that no one else could sing.
Ooh, ooh, try that.
Ooh, (vocalizes).
No (laughs), (indistinct).
Hey, bish. (laughs)
I'm like, (vocalizes).
(he giggles)
Pat Garrett was the sheriff,
and said, "My one goal is to get,
I'm gonna get Billy the Kid."
(dramatic music)
He hunted down Billy the Kid.
So they found him in a farmhouse
and they had the whole place surrounded.
One guy came out, and he decided to go feed the horse,
and they shot him down and thought it was Billy the Kid,
and they were like, "We got Billy the Kid, we got him."
And then they realized that it wasn't him.
So then they realized it wasn't him
and Pat Garrett said, "Well, shoot the horse down,
shoot the horse down.
There's no windows, there's no exit."
And so they shot the horse down,
and they put the horse, the dead horse in front of the exit,
and they put him in front of the exit,
and no one else could get out.
(dramatic music)
Billy the Kid, they found him in a farmhouse
and they surrounded him,
and they started cooking breakfast,
and they said, "Hey, Billy, hey,
come have breakfast with us."
And Billy said, "You know what?
He's (beep) us, so, no, we're not gonna do that."
And they were like, "Okay."
So they kept cooking breakfast,
and there was breakfast for a long time,
and then Billy came out and said, "You know what?
There's no way, there's no where else out."
"So we're gonna keep cooking breakfast."
And Billy came out and said,
"You know, there's no way else out."
So they all had breakfast together
and Billy got arrested.
(dramatic music)
Well, Billy the Kid shoots both of the prison guards
and escapes from jail.
He said, "Go to hell, bitches.
Go to hell.
Well, go to hell."
Three months later,
Pat Garrett finds one of his accomplices
and they go to his house,
and Billy comes in at midnight with a knife.
No one knows who anyone is,
and Billy says "Quién es?" which means, who is it?
"Who is it?
Quién es?
Who is it, who is it?"
And Pat Garrett recognized Billy's voice,
'cause they knew each other from back in the day,
and he shoots him three times,
some twice in the chest and then he misses once.
It hits the, you know, above the fireplace.
And he's like, "Help me.
Help."
Pat Garrett shot Billy the Kid.
(dramatic music)
I wanna say something about Billy.
This is what Billy was.
(mournful guitar music)
♪ Billy the Kid ♪
♪ He was an outlaw ♪
♪ And he shot Joe Grant ♪
♪ He shot a man in the jaw ♪
♪ Billy's in a farmhouse ♪
♪ But they killed the horse instead ♪
♪ Because they thought he was the one ♪
♪ Billy the Kid was shot in the dark ♪
♪ It's so dramatic ♪
And that's Billy the (beep) Kid.
I don't know.
- [Derek] Great, let's give it up, man.
That was (beep) awesome.
- There you go, Billy the Kid.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk
about my favorite president, Teddy Roosevelt.
(serious marching music)
It's, in April 19, in April 18.
Okay, (laughs)
in the late 1890s,
President McKinley has declared war on Spain.
Teddy Roosevelt is the Assistant Secretary of the Navy.
The Secretary of War is a guy named Alger.
Teddy says, "Alger, I wanna go to war.
I think this is what I need to feel like a man."
And Alger laughed and he said, "Okay, man.
If you really want this,
I'll make you Lieutenant Colonel
of the first US Volunteer Cavalry regiment."
Teddy Roosevelt says, "There is no one in the world
who's better suited to being a cavalry officer
than a cowboy."
He's got a big old dick.
I spilled this all over my shirt.
Teddy Roosevelt went to Texas, Oklahoma,
the Indian Territories, and New Mexico.
Teddy Roosevelt says to a bunch of cowboys,
"Guys, what's up, I need your help.
Spain sucks, the US needs to go to war with Spain.
Let's do this."
The cowboys say, "Yeah, we're a hundred percent game.
We know how to ride horses."
The Indians say, "You guys are probably gonna need trackers.
We're cool.
Like, some of the Apaches aren't cool with you guys,
but we're cool with you guys."
In addition to the cowboys and Indians,
Teddy Roosevelt calls up his old Ivy League buddies
and he says, "Guys, I'm going to war with Spain.
I know you guys are not only super smart,
'cause you got into Ivy League schools,
but you're also super tough because you play sports.
So why don't you join my regiment?"
So Teddy Roosevelt creates this army
of a thousand Ivy League athletes, cowboys, and Indians:
The Rough Riders.
(powerful music)
Let's go right here.
- [Derek] Okay, wherever you're comfortable.
- Okay, are we good?
Now, Teddy Roosevelt
and his thousand Rough Riders go to Cuba.
The transport ship isn't big enough;
300 guys have to stay behind,
every other guy had to leave his horse behind.
So these guys land in Cuba and they get ambushed.
They're in a valley between two hills
where the Spanish have the upper hand.
They're sitting ducks.
(tense thrilling music)
Teddy Roosevelt's men start taking fire.
He loses over 200 of his men in this 20 minutes.
Teddy Roosevelt rides up
to the second in command of the regular army,
and he says, "We're getting our asses kicked right now.
The only way we're gonna survive is
if we charge up this hill."
And the second in command of the regular army says,
"The Colonel isn't here to make that call,
I can't let you do that."
And Teddy Roosevelt says, "I am a Colonel.
It's my call now."
He rides, unafraid of bullets, to the front lines.
Here, Teddy Roosevelt is here.
His history and his people are standing behind him.
He says, "I'm gonna go.
I'm going up this hill,
and I'm gonna, and I'm gonna defeat these Spanish forces.
Follow me. (dramatic music)
And if you turn around, I will shoot you."
So Teddy Roosevelt led this charge,
and all of the people followed Teddy Roosevelt up the hill.
They beat back the Spanish forces,
and the Spanish forces retreated,
but Teddy Roosevelt kept charging,
and within two weeks, Spain surrendered.
When he was 11 years old, Teddy Roosevelt said,
"If I'm gonna be anything,
the thing that I'm gonna be is a bad-ass."
And that day he fulfilled that promise to his young self,
and he became a (beep) rockstar.
(triumphant music)
- [Derek] Mark.
Mark. - Uh huh.
I'm ready, baby.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about the Alamo
in San Antonio, Texas.
1836, enter William Travis.
Dodged out on a bunch of business debts,
he abandoned his wife and child,
and headed towards Texas with his slave, Joe.
Jim Bowie, he forged these documents
that he owned all these grants
in the United States territory.
Jim Bowie's like, "Yeah, they're on to me here.
I'd better get Texas, where they're probably not as smart,
and I'll start doing the same shenanigans down there."
Congressman Davy Crockett, everybody loves this guy.
The saying goes,
he could kill a grizzly bear with his smile.
Well, as it happens,
he doesn't get elected for a second term,
and he says, "You can go to hell, I'll go to Texas."
Crockett, Travis and Bowie head to Texas to take land.
(slow accordion music)
Mexico owns the territory of Texas,
and the long story short is
these guys expel a Mexican army garrison
and they take a mission for themselves,
(gentle hopeful guitar music)
and that mission is the Alamo,
and they hole up in the Alamo.
Bowie says, "Don't worry,
there's no way the Mexican army is coming until spring
because the winter's too harsh
on these high Mexican deserts."
(dramatic music) But they do come.
Santa Anna and his soldiers arrive in San Antonio,
they're on his land,
and he says to the Alamo defenders,
"Surrender now, or you will be killed."
"Pfft, (beep), let's fire a cannon shot at Santa Anna
and let them know we know business."
And fires a cannon.
This pisses off Santa Anna.
(dramatic suspenseful music)
On February 26th, 1836, Santa Anna begins the offensive.
He fires cannon volley after cannon volley,
beating down the wall of the Alamo.
This goes on from February 26th, 1836, to March 5th.
They're tired.
William Travis, in one of his last letters, said,
"I keep asking for reinforcements
and nobody's giving me anything.
They send like 30 Tejanos, but I'm screwed.
Could you help me out a little bit?"
Hmm, no.
And then finally, in the early morning, March 6th,
general Santa Anna says, "I will take my breakfast
inside of the walls of the Alamo."
And prematurely, one of the soldiers yells,
"Viva la Santa Anna!"
And that alerts all of the defenders in the Alamo
that the attack is coming.
William Travis rallies the troops.
Mexicans are 1800 strong
against 200 Alamo defenders made up of Europeans,
Jews, two slaves, women and children,
and Mexicans who just wanted to fight for their land.
There's no way that they can win this.
(dramatic mournful music)
Colonel William Travis, he runs to the front wall,
and is immediately shot and killed
in the very first stages of the attack on the Alamo,
and his slave, Joe, is like,
"Well, everybody here is fighting for a bit of land.
I'm not gonna get any land, clearly,
so I'm gonna, hmm, not fight."
And he took off.
Myth has it that Jim Bowie fought to the death.
He must've taken out 30 Mexicans with his big knife.
The reality is he'd come down with a case of tuberculosis,
and Jim Bowie was shot on his deathbed.
Mexican soldiers breached the wall of the Alamo,
and the Alamo defenders realized
they have to retreat to the Long Barracks.
So the Mexicans enter the barracks,
and do away with all of the Alamo defenders in the barracks,
and general Santa Anna takes his breakfast
inside the walls of the Alamo,
and Davy Crockett is captured.
(powerful mournful music)
Davy Crockett, great American mythicological legend,
is executed that morning.
Because of this,
Remember the Alamo is used as a rallying cry,
and Texas becomes a state.
The thing that we can take from it,
academically, historically:
How does David Crockett like his pie?
- [Derek] How?
- A la mode.
- I gotta go. - Yeah, me too.
(dramatic music)