- I got married when I was in high school
for like a six month window
just to have sex with a girl, and then.
- Wait, what?
- I don't know how I feel moment to moment.
Do you know how you're feeling all the time?
- I'm feeling interested in your story.
We can still hug.
- Yeah, I don't press charges.
- Yeah, we're all. (laughing)
You're old school.
- How old where you when you started?
- 18.
- [Bill] You had the balls to go up at 18?
- Yeah, right at it.
Right out of high school. - When did you know
you wanted to do it?
- When I was like 17.
Yeah, like before graduating
from high school. - Was there any moment
where you're just like, I'm doing that, or?
- So yeah, I got married when I was in high school
for like a six month window
just to have sex with a girl,
and, uh, and then...
- Wait, what?
- [Ismael] Yeah.
- Wait, go back, go back.
- So there was, okay.
- [Bill] You got married in high school?
- Yeah, yeah.
In Florida.
- Your parents were cool with that?
- Very cool with it.
Very Muslimic.
I'm from a very Muslim family,
very devout, and uh...
- Oh, so you gotta get married so you can have sex.
- [Ismael] Yes.
- So, did you tell your parents
I'm getting married?
- I told my dad.
And my dad was into it.
- [Bill] He like, I get it.
- He was so proud of me, yeah.
He gave me 100 dollars, and then...
- That's kind of the perfect time to get married
because if it goes south.
- [Ismael] Who cares?
- You don't have any money.
- Exactly.
That's why it was easy.
It was easy to get into it,
and it was easy to get out of it.
- So, how long were you married for?
- Six months.
And she was not Muslim,
she was a white girl.
- At what point did you know you wanted to get divorced?
- She dumped me.
Broke my heart.
And then I started stand-up.
- Wait.
- [Ismael] So.
- She broke your heart?
- [Ismael] Destroyed me, man.
- Oh, so you really loved this girl?
- I married her thinking, like,
we're going to be together forever.
It's going to be amazing.
- She's fucking me,
I love this woman.
- She's hot,
she's a little taller than me,
white, great.
(Bill laughs)
And then she went to a camp over the summer.
She went to a Christian camp,
and called me on the phone.
- [Bill] She had an affair.
- She had an affair with Christ.
(Bill laughs)
With the Lord.
And he guilted her into leaving me,
and she called me and was like,
it's over.
- Did her parents ever know that she married?
- Her mom did.
Her mom hated it.
- Well, I would think so.
- But why?
- 'Cause she's just a kid.
- But I am too.
And it's like, whatever.
- Dude, that's not cute.
- [Ismael] It's fine.
It was so fine.
- This is such a... - [Ismael] We were dating.
- This is such a Florida story.
- I know, it's very Florida.
And it was at the height of, like,
Obama being from Kenya.
It was like 2011.
Like right when that was like
the birther thing.
That's when Trump was, like,
doing the birther thing, so.
- Oh, this is post 9-11?
You married a blond, white girl taller than you?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
In Florida?
- [Ismael] In central Florida, yeah.
- You were living dangerous, man.
- It was awesome.
It was the coolest thing I've every done.
- That's probably what the love was, the thrill of it.
- Yeah, there was a thrill involved.
For her more.
For me, my family was like,
"He's just getting laid, that's fine."
- So you actually fell in love with her,
and she was just trying to get back at her
parents or something like that?
- Maybe, yeah.
- You felt used, you felt cheap.
- Little bit, at the end of it
I was kind of like,
I've got to go on stage.
- I've got to sell myself more.
- Yes.
- So then you get on stage, okay.
- Yeah, and now I'm the least marriagable person.
- But you must have had like,
who else had as far as when I think
of the first five minutes of comedy
that I did, I mean I was talking about bullshit.
You actually came up there - Dude it was hard.
- a grizzled divorcee at 18 that's hilarious.
Like oh man it's all bullshit.
- Yeah, smoking a cigarette, going up jaded, yeah.
- What was your alimony, 11 bucks a month?
- No dude, obviously it was nothing.
It was so easy.
- So now you're 18.
You're doing stand-up and you're meeting
women your age, and you got to be like,
"yeah, I'm not ready man, I'm coming
out of a brutal divorce."
- Coming out of divorce.
(laughing)
Yeah, that became a gauge of how cool
a chick was on our first date.
It'd be like, "I've been married before."
just to see if they would freak out.
- And what would they say?
- Usually they would freak out, yeah.
- So I got to hear this famous story.
This is like hilarious and terrifying all at the same time.
- Oh it's the New Orleans, yeah.
- So this is all part of your journey to get weed?
- Yeah.
- This is why they have to legalize it.
- Yeah, right.
- You should just be able to go to a store
and not have to deal with the pressure.
- Yeah, and drug dealers are so annoying.
But, we go to the liquor store to get
the blunt wrap to roll it up and stuff
and we're with a buddy of my buddy's.
And you have to get buzzed into this liquor store
like it's a jewelry store.
- Oh god.
- It was crazy.
- So you know, already, there were two generations
working there, the older dad and then like two
30-something year old dudes.
One had a gun just tucked into his waistband.
That was intense.
- New Orleans.
- Yep.
- The friend , who turns out was a dumb guy,
like mimed pulling the gun out,
and the other brother was like,
"I see you doing that."
and he's like, "oh come on man, I have my own gun.
It's fine."
- I can't imagine having a loaded gun
pointed right down at my ass crack,
and being able to think anything other
than if I move the wrong way.
- Yeah, if I crouch then yeah, that's my.
- All right, so now?
- So now we go,
- So we met the uh,
- We met the friend of the friend.
- The family, we've gone to the liquor store.
- We go into the place to smoke.
Which is between two house.
We walk behind, there is a FEMA trailer
being guarded by a three-legged pitbull.
I don't use the term ghetto a lot.
I think it's pejorative, but that seemed to be.
- This sounds like an episode of True Detective.
- Yeah, it's similar to that.
There were no cuts.
It was shot beautifully.
- Yeah, it was a tracking shot.
- Yeah, yeah it was great.
We get in, there's five big dudes in hoodies and tims.
And one small white girl, and I was like,
"well that's the wild card, you got to
keep your eye on that."
- She has to prove herslef.
- Right.
Totally, what did she do to get in, the old Shapel bit.
Like they were breaking up a rock of crack.
Like a big boulder.
It was the first time I'd ever seen crack,
and they were chipping it off,
and putting it into bags and I was like,
"Hey fellas."
- I'm just here for the weed.
- "What's going on?"
So, I'm trying to put everyone at ease.
- This doesn't sound professional.
I thought there was always, you gave the money
to somebody and they ran off to go get it.
- Yeah, this was inundated into it.
- Were there adults completely naked
working with cocaine on the other side?
- No.
Yeah like American Gangsters?
- Yeah.
- No, Not quite.
They were all very clothed, and pretty serious guys.
It turns out.
And they were breaking up, we're talking about slang,
east coast to west coast, this, that, whatever.
The blunt is coming around I'm like,
"This is just weed right?"
and they were like,
"No, there's crack in it."
So, I don't know, I don't know.
- Right I thought you were going
to get the weed and leave.
Now you have to smoke with these guys?
No, we had to smoke it with them.
We just had to like stay there.
- So these are crack dealers,
that your friend knew, and you were going
to go smoke weed with them?
- Yeah.
- And you thought you were going to go buy weed.
Okay.
- So, it turned out a little different
than what was in my mind, but it was a fun time.
- Were you with Denzel, and did he leave you
behind at some point?
(laughing)
All right.
- We smoked the weed, and we're joking,
and out of nowhere the first friend of the friend
who's a dumb guy, takes a gun, cocks it,
points it at a guys head, pulls the trigger,
it goes "Bink", dry fires.
Everyone's like, "whoa" like that's not cool.
And he's like, "Come on, that was funny.
You guys are weak. That was funny as hell."
and me and my friend were like, "That's our cue.
We're going to get out of here."
- Jesus Christ.
- We left, we went to a bar near two lane,
which was three blocks away,
it's like Ivy League of the south,
and there were guys in pop collar
lilac shirts and khakis, like
three blocks away from where this was happening.
- Oh my god.
- Yeah.
- And you're dealing with all the stress of it.
- Yeah, I'm meeting people I don't remember my name.
It was just a lot, yeah.
- You got weed and a little crack in your system.
- Yeah.
- Your mom served beer at he vet
at Eagles games and Philly's games?
- Yes, she did it for extra money.
She did the Eagles.
And everyday she was so late.
Because she has 10 kids.
She was so late she'd walk,
we only live a mile from the stadium,
so she'd walk to Vet stadium.
She'd she Dick Vermeil running around
she'd go, "Hey Dickie!"
and then she'd run past him.
And she was like, I'm almost on time,
Dick Vermeil is on his fourth lap.
- So she was there during the times of,
of Ron Jaworski and Harold Carmichael and those guys.
- Yes, that's my favorite, Carmichael.
- Did she ever go to the Flyer's game?
- Yes, she's obsessed with the Flyers.
It's my favorite story because I can remember
my mom being so, there's 10 kids in a row home.
And it's a blizzard outside.
My dad can't get home from the typewriter store,
which is uncomfortable, a whole nother subject.
But, he, it's only four blocks away
and he couldn't make it home.
Anyway, so he couldn't home, and on the radio they said,
" If you can get to The Spectrum, we'll let you
in for free, and we'll give you
free hotdogs and hot chocolate.
And my mom was like, all right, wrap them up.
And she out us on a sled.
Me and my brother Billy I think I was five and six,
maybe six or seven, somewhere around that age.
Charlie and Johnny are like four years older than us.
They used to fight over who was better,
Rick MacLeish or Reggie Leach, so my mom pulled us
on a sled, for a mile and a half.
On the way there we saw my dog, and we were like,
"Oh shit, she's out?"
(laughing)
My poor mother couldn't keep track of
who was in the house, she's like,
"oh there's the dog, shit."
- Oh my god.
That's making me so sentimental.
That was a time when stuff like that,
- Was real
- The dog run around.
A mom could drag her kids down the street in a sled.
- My brother Billy fell off, and I was like,
"mom, mom" I'm trying to get her attention
and she's just pulling because she's like,
we're getting free hotdogs,
we're getting free hot chocolate,
we're getting in that stadium.
Because we couldn't afford tickets to that.
10 kids with a typewriter repairman leading the charge.
- You know what you remind me of?
When I was a kid on Sunday we all had paper routes,
and the newspapers were so big, my dad would drive
us around in like a Chevy Chevet.
We had gospel music blasting, and we were sitting
on the tailgate with all of the papers,
and we went of a bump, my brother fell out,
landed in the road, was like, dad, dad,
you lost one.
Aw for Christ sake.
He had to turn around.
- And he got in trouble, right?
- Yeah he got in trouble.
Now a days, there would have been
some cellphone footage and my dad
would have gotten in trouble.
- Oh yeah, he would have been arrested.
My mother would have been arrested every other day I think.
- I know.
- But when we got into the stadium, there was no one in it.
I mean, the Spectrum, there was no one in there.
There was 20 people maybe.
So we were on the glass, watching Bobby Clark,
Rick MacLeish, Reggie Leach.
- Oh my god.
- Like, insane.
Yes, The Hammer.
Bobby Clark checked this guy, and he's bleeding,
and he's holding on, you know how they used
to fight all the time.
- Yeah.
- My brother Billy's just looking like,
"oh my god."
And then he just sat back.
And Bobby Clark, it made him laugh,
and he was just like, and he skated away.
- Bobby Clark laughed because he freaked out a kid?
How old was your brother at the time?
- We were either five or six or seven.
We're Irish twins so we're like,
- Right, how many of you are there?
- There's 10 of us.
- 10 of you.
- I know.
And we're only 15 years apart from eldest to youngest.
- God bless your mom.
- Terrifying.
That's why I could see her,
in the room watching all the kids.
- Is that why you're so tough?
Because if your brothers got into fight,
you used to come in and you'd finish it?
- Well, they're slow.
My brother Billy is a terrible fighter.
I hope he sees this.
He's the worst.
(laughing)
Anyways, he's terrible.
So anytime he would get in a fight,
he was just, I don't know,
he was dainty about it.
He could fight, but not great.
So I would just knock them out and say,
"Come on, let's go to the movies.
I don't understand what's taking so long."
- Jesus.
- I got my dad's anger.
- Okay.
- Because it's six boys and four girls.
- That's funny because you're such a sweetheart,
I didn't even know you were angry.
- Awh, see.
It's called BiPolar.
- Okay.
- It's great.
(intense music)