- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(dramatic music)
- Welcome to Breaking News, the only news show
where we don't know what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Children's Oncology Department.
- And I'm Omar GameCube.
- Tonight's top story, U2 me too-d
at a Scooby Doo read-through.
(laughing)
After 30 years posing as an Irish rock-band,
Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, and that other guy,
have been exposed as a vengeful bed and breakfast owner
who told authorities, "And I would have gotten it,
away with it too, if it weren't for my wife."
- And now, for a little segment called Roger's Rants
where our sportscaster and local man about-town,
Roger Foosballs gives us all you viewers,
a little piece of his mind.
- Let snakes be socks!
I wanna stomp my hooves into some serpents
and clomp around the town square!
Hiss hiss go my tootsies!
Oh, ah, goes the people admiring my kickass new socks.
- Thanks, Roger.
- In ongoing coverage, the city sanitation department
is still struggling to find the source of an infestation
in the city's water supply, as fishes with human mouths
have been turning up in people's sinks and toilets,
screaming, "Please kill me.
"Oh God, please kill me.
"The government puts chemicals in your water
"to control your mind."
For now, the head of sanitation department
is recommending people ignore the fishes' pleas for death
by either flushing them or sauteing them
with a dash of paprika and pepper for a sewer fish dinner.
- Yum, we got a couple of those in our toilet
and I make my kids cook them up for me in a big fat stew.
- Those used to be my kids.
- Oh, not this, not this again.
(laughing)
They liked it at my house better
because I gave them jobs with wages,
cleaning my kitchen and licking my windows.
So, now they are my beautiful son and two daughters.
- I miss them every day.
Hey Roger, you got another rant for us, big boy?
- If you're a baby, don't sneak up on me!
(laughing)
You aren't quite human and that spooks me!
I might think you're a big mouse or a loud spider
that moves weird and try to stomp on you.
Then my sister will be mad at me all over again
for stomping on her big spider baby.
- Hoo boy, gotta agree with him there.
If you can't walk, you can't talk,
and you can't gobble down ass like it's Thanksgiving,
stay the hell away from me.
- Hey Roger, finish up those rants.
- Grand Theft Auto should be a Broadway musical!
Back to you, Children's Oncology Department.
- Thanks, Rodge.
That's a terrible take
and I disrespectfully disagree with you.
- It made me feel nothing.
I am hollow without my kids.
We now go to our metro reporter, Teresa MyPizza
for the latest in local news.
- Thanks, Omar.
I'm at the county fairgrounds,
where some unfortunate setbacks have befallen the fair,
before its opening.
A black bear escaped its cage and ate the bearded lady.
You heard me, Bilbo Bearby--
(laughing)
Ooh, the beloved black bear, bit the bearded Belladonna
into bits, belching boisterously.
Afterwards, the bear put on its tiny bear jacket
and bear blanket, got onto its unicycle
and rode off into the sunset.
The fair is devastated over its loss.
- We'll miss that bearded lady.
- No b--
(laughing)
I don't wanna say that.
- Go ahead, please do, please.
- Uh, no, uh, the, it's not, it's rude.
The bear, the bear is the loss, Bilbo BearBeard is his name
and he's everyone's favorite bear.
He's got a big big mouth and even bigger bear balls.
When he scoots around on his little bear scooter,
I just wanna scoot my boot until it's raw.
Sometimes, they let you watch as they feed him fish
and then he is a big yum yum in the tum tum boy.
I am devastated, back to you.
- Thanks Teresa, I'm bear-y sad for your loss.
Quickly, before we wrap up, you hate to see it
and we hate to do it, but we have to issue a correction
on last week's reporting.
Patricia Heaton, from Everybody Does Raymond
is not technically, my loving lumpy mommy.
She is only, allegedly, my loving lumpy mom.
- Other than that correction, please remember that the news
is always good and right, just like my dude, my king,
my gap-tooth-God, Michael Strahan.
- We'll close with a bit of personal news,
this week's loser is Camirin.
What a dummy, thanks for watching.
- [Camirin] Alright, that's harsh.
(laughing)
- Sorry, it's just the teleprompter tells me to say.
- It's fine.
- I'll read it, whatever Brendon doesn't read, I'll read it.
- I mean, Brendon didn't say bitch,
but we'll say dummy, I guess.
- That's because I have personal standards that I adhere to.
(laughing) - What are you doing?
What is this?
- I'm not on fucking trial.
(laughing)