-It is the end of the week, and that's usually
when I catch up with some personal stuff.
You know, I check my inbox, I return some e-mails
and, of course, I send out thank-you notes.
Well, I was running a bit behind today, so I thought,
if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out
my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that -- [ Cheers and applause ]
You guys are the best.
James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?
♪♪
There it is.
♪♪
It looks like he's got secrets.
♪♪
Thank you, "Bachelorette" getting replaced,
for only being the second most famous reality TV star
to lose their job this week.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, Steve Kornacki and John King,
for being the McSteamy and McDreamy of touchscreens.
[ Applause ]
I love everyone's so impressed with the touchscreen.
My daughter was using a touchscreen at six months.
She was...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, red mirage,
for sounding less like a political term
and more like the 14th Marvel movie
to get postponed this year.
[ Applause ]
"Red Mirage."
♪♪ Man, this one's --
You might want to help me out on this one.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. I get to phone a friend on this one.
-Okay. Try it out.
-Yeah, just laugh even if it's not funny.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
-It's pretty good.
All right, we'll see.
-Wait, right now? Or -- -What?
Yeah, now. Well, after I'm done.
-Okay. -After I'm done with the joke.
-Okay.
[ Laughs ] That was funny. -Wait till --
I didn't do it yet, but once I do it, then you do it.
Okay, here we go.
-Okay. -Almost.
♪♪
Thank you, Drake's new Alpine Yodels,
for not going by your original name, Yeti Turds.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait.
What? [ Laughter ]
-What? That was the original name they went with?
-Ah. -I don't know, man.
[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
Thank you, fancy wine openers,
for making my guests think that I'm either
a wine connoisseur or a steampunk alcoholic.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, owls,
for always looking like you just read Don Jr.'s latest tweet.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, election week,
for hopefully coming to an end,
and for letting us all go back to a calm, relaxing life
of worrying about a global pandemic.
There you go. Those are our thank-you notes.