[ Cheers and applause ] -Appreciate it.
-I just -- I just went to my first black barber shop.
[ Light laughter ]
It wasn't a choice.
I just saw the barber pole, and I needed a haircut.
And I walked in.
And I saw it was all black guys.
And at that point, you can't just go, "Oh, uh, sorry."
Didn't know it was one of these ones,"
and walk away. [ Laughter ]
I stayed in there.
Took it.
I got the straight-razor shave.
I'm not sure if you guys know what I'm talking about --
the old-timey shave with the hot towel on your face.
But I'm highly allergic,
so I take an allergy pill almost every single day.
I have an inhaler.
If anybody wants to mess with me, no need to heckle.
All you got to do is
throw one of those fabric-softener sheets up here.
Hyah! [ Laughter and applause ]
Just break out in hives and run away.
So I get the shave, and then this guy takes
this handful of this aftershave eucalyptus times 10 stuff
that only black guys know about.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah!
-And he...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And he slaps it on my raw face.
And I can immediately feel my skin just go --
[ Gasp ]
"What the hell is that?!
That is not on the list on acceptable products.
That is not on the list of acceptable products!"
And you know what I said?
Nothing. [ Laughter ]
Because like all black guys,
I want these black guys to think I was cool, right?
What am I gonna say?
"Excuse me, extremely cool black guys --
trying not to pry -- what type of aftershave do you have there?
'Cause I'm highly allergic.
Take an allergy pill almost every day, all right?
I use a hypoallergenic deodorant.
Pretty sure it's for women."
[ Laughter ] Right? No.
I didn't say anything.
Those guys could have rubbed a cat, some pollen,
and a handful of shrimp on my face.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I would have gone, "The old cat and shrimp shave.
Thanks a lot, fellas," and just ran out of there.
But, also, I'm doing pretty good on my New Year's resolution.
I picked an easy one. That's what you got to do.
Mine was no Chipotle.
[ Laughter ] Never going to Chipotle again.
I don't like it 'cause it's too nice.
It's too well-lit.
[ Laughter ]
Everybody knows, if you want good Mexican food,
it's got to be a little scary. [ Laughter ]
Right? You got to go to a roach coach
parked out in front of a mechanic's shop, midnight.
That's how you get the good stuff.
You got to walk up, order fast, order scared.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"¿Cómo estás?
[ Laughter ]
"I'll have three
[ Light laughter ] "Get the hell away from me!"
[ Laughter ]
I also like to check out some of their other items.
You can't do that at a Chipotle.
Excuse me,
And how much for the socks? [ Laughter ]
I also brush up on my Spanish when I'm there, as well --
another thing you can't do at Chipotle.
"Excuse me.
¿Cómo se dice,
'Can your pit bull please stop licking me'?"
[ Laughter ] "How do you say that?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right, guys.
So, bad allergies, half Mexican, horrible Spanish.
This is the American dream right here.
[ Laughter ] You're looking at him.
It's true.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I like to think it's specifically this.
Like, a husband and wife in a strawberry field.
She's about to break down, and he says,
"Don't worry, Maria. Everything's gonna be okay."
[ Light laughter ]
Imagine this is all in Spanish. [ Laughter ]
"Because, one day...
we're gonna have a grandchild.
And that grandchild is gonna be allergic to dairy."
[ Laughter ]
"His arms are gonna be defined
not from lifting full buckets of water,
but from lifting kettlebells
made to simulate buckets of water."
[ Laughter ]
And he will work out
while the finest Lululemon outfit money can buy."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"And this boy will have astigmatism so severe
that he will never be eligible for LASIK surgery,
no matter how affordable it becomes
or how much the technology progresses,
because I will keep working for this boy!"
And here I am. Thank you very much, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hey, man. Thank you so much.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Al Madrigal! Al Madrigal!
His comedy special "Shrimpin' Ain't Easy"
is available now at showtime.com.