- Whenever people going through a struggle in life,
they get really cliche.
They say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time!
"Just taking it one day at a time."
You know who else is?
Everybody 'cause that's how time works.
(audience laughing)
That's the only way you can take time.
What, were you doing it a week at a time before?
Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?
Please teach me how to do that.
I want to get through this quicker too.
(audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)
My neighborhood's weird.
I'm pretty sure the crack dealers in my neighborhood
are working together with the pawn shops
'cause why is there a 24-hour pawn shop in my neighborhood?
Regular people don't wake up at four in the morning like,
"(yawing) I feel like selling my microwave.
(audience laughing)
"You know, I just really feel like selling something
"at 10% of its value.
(audience laughing)
"Just feel like selling something."
(audience laughing)
I have weird aspirations.
Like I really wanna kick a pigeon.
(audience cheering)
'Cause pigeons walking around like they invincible.
I'm like, you're not invincible.
I'll kick the hell out of you.
(audience laughing)
You're not waiting for the bus 'cause you can fly.
(audience laughing)
I can't kick pigeons 'cause there's always people around.
(audience laughing)
And if I kick a pigeon, some women will see,
"Oh my gosh, that guy just kicked a pigeon
"in broad daylight."
(audience laughing) She'll go home and tell the husband,
"Honey, I saw this guy kick a pigeon in broad daylight."
Her husband tell his boss,
"My wife said this guy kicked a pigeon in broad daylight."
His boss know somebody at the paper,
next thing you know, front page,
"Black dudes are kicking pigeons.
(audience laughing)
There's been a flurry of pigeon kicking going on.
The Black community must be stopped at once.
Save the pigeons.
Must stop these PKBP, pigeon-kicking Black people.
(audience laughing)
Save the pigeons.
Acronyms are hilarious.
I don't know why I wanna kick a pigeon,
I just figured I'd make my day better.
(audience laughing) Say I kick a pigeon in the morning,
something bad happens that evening,
I'm like you know what that happened,
but I kicked the pigeon earlier.
(audience laughing)
It was relaxing and invigorating.
I wanna have the pigeon-kicking Olympics
where you get judged by the distance
that you kick the pigeon,
the number of feathers you kick off the pigeon,
and the octave of the squawk.
(audience laughing)
When you kick the pigeon like a high pitched like, "Ooh!"
That's a gold medal right there.
You kicked the hell out of that pigeon,
you're a goddamned warrior
and you deserve your own statue in the park like yeah.
(audience laughing)
I'm 26 and it's funny how peer pressure has changed
for me at 26 from when I was a teenager.
When I was a teenager, my friends would pressure me
into like drinking and smoking weed.
Now at 26, my friends pressure me
into doing stuff like hiking.
(audience laughing)
"Hey, Hannibal, who you wanna hike?"
No, I don't wanna hike.
That sounds like a horrible idea.
(audience laughing)
Why don't we walk somewhere that's paved
where we're supposed to walk,
just in case that walk goes bad, I can just hop in a taxi.
(audience laughing)
I don't like outside at all.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
My neighborhood is changing.
There's a place, there's a Mexican restaurant
that's now small church,
which is very upsetting to me
'cause I like burritos more than I like Jesus.
(audience cheering)
Because steak burritos are delicious
(audience laughing)
and they're real.
(audience laughing)
They're real things. (audience cheering)
(audience laughing)
I don't like the environment at all.
I'm not an environmental person.
Sometimes I let the water run for 45 minutes
before I hop in the shower
(audience laughing)
just to do it.
It keeps running.
It won't stop running.
It makes me feel like the Poseidon of my apartment building.
(audience laughing)
Let the water flow.
It just keeps running.
So wasteful, but it feels awesome.
(audience laughing)
You never know, I might be saving somebody.
Say some dude is drowning
(audience laughing)
in a lake or the river or whatever,
he's drowning but the water only comes up
to like right there.
(audience laughing)
because I decided to play a game of "Madden"
before I hopped in the shower.
(audience laughing)
(image whooshing)
Whenever people going through a struggle in life,
they get really cliche.
They say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time!
"Just taking it one day at a time."
You know who else is?
Everybody 'cause that's how time works.
That's the only way you can take time.
What, were you doing it a week at a time before?
Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?
Please teach me how to do that.
I want to get through this quicker too.
(audience laughing)
I don't like when people say, "I'll pray for you.
"I'm gonna pray for you.
"Praying for you."
You gonna pray for me?
So you're gonna sit at home and do nothing.
(audience laughing) 'Cause that's what your prayers are.
You're doing nothing while I struggle with a situation.
Don't pray for me, make me a sandwich or something
(audience laughing)
'cause I'm very upset right now
and I can't make more sandwich, so that'd be cool
if you made me a sandwich instead of praying,
which is kind of lazy.
Take action.
(audience laughing)
"Well, we'll keep you in our thoughts."
With the other bullshit in your head? No.
(audience laughing)
Keep me out of your thoughts
'cause I hear some of the stuff you talk about,
and that's close to what you thinking about,
I don't wanna be around that at all.
So keep me and my family out of your thoughts,
unless you're thinking about making us sandwiches.
(audience laughing)
I was at the front desk of a hotel
and the front desk lady is screaming, "Oh Jesus! Jesus!
"Oh Jesus!"
I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "My back.
"My back has just been killing me for months."
I said, "You should try Vicodin."
She said, "No, I'm trying Jesus."
I said, "Nah, you should try Vicodin."
(audience laughing)
And she said, "You should try Jesus."
I said, "Nah, my back is great.
(audience laughing)
You should try half Jesus, half Vicodin.
(audience laughing)
To get out your back, maybe real Vicodin
and placebo Jesus for your back.
(audience laughing)
I don't go to church.
Sometimes people would be Holy Ghosting.
I can't get with that.
I think the Holy Ghost is just a reason
for people to dance like an (beep) sober.
I mean, "Whoa shit, I love."
(audience laughing)
Are you for real?
"Oh shit, look at me. I love Jesus.
"I'm sweating.
(audience laughing)
"I'm sweating so much for the Lord, ah."
Why you goofing off like that?
I still think you're a good person if you sit down.
(audience laughing)
Ah! I think the Holy Ghost is fake
'cause people only get it in church
when they're dancing around other people
that's Holy Ghosting.
(audience laughing)
I'm surprised a rapper hasn't took that
and made it into a dance already.
Do the Holy Ghost.
(audience laughing)
Do the Holy Ghost, ah.
Do the Holy Ghost. Yeah, I did this shit on camera.
No rappers can still it from me.
(image whooshing)
I was looking for material for this set,
so I just went to Twitter
and put in a search for the word fish.
(audience laughing)
And the top tweet was a dude it said,
"Three retweets and I'll kill my sister's new fish."
(audience laughing)
So, these are Toms sunglasses right here.
And on top it says, "Give sight,"
'cause when you buy a pair of sunglasses
they give an underprivileged kid a pair of sunglasses.
(audience laughing)
So that kid'll be hungry
(audience laughing)
but he'll look cool as fuck.
(audience laughing)
That's what it's about.
And maybe with his cool look,
he can convince a girl to give him some food.
(audience laughing)
And that's what we're gonna be talking about today,
self-improvement.
I try to forget part of my past,
but they don't let me do it when I can't get a Macy's card.
(audience laughing)
I feel like I'm succeeding in life
but when you try to get a Macy's card, it doesn't work out.
It lets you know what you did when you were 19 years old.
(audience laughing)
I'm just trying to figure it all out, man.
They say you teach people how to treat you
based on your behavior.
You teach people how to treat you,
so I'm trying to teach that if my zipper's down
just let that shit go.
(audience laughing)
But people love telling you your fly is down
without even knowing your position on zipper politics.
(audience laughing)
They just assume you share their views.
"Sir, your fly is down."
Oh yeah, my fly is down.
Well, is my dick out?
'Cause if my dick isn't out,
I feel like you overexaggerating right now.
(audience laughing)
"Sir, your fly is down."
Yeah, my fly is down
'cause I'm not a conformist piece of shit like you.
It's anarchy down here and I'm living it.
What's up?
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)