“We’ve seen in the past
how politics can impact business.
And now with Equinox and SoulCycle,
and their owner supporting Trump –
What are your thoughts on this?
Should politics influence business this way?”
We’re gonna open with that?
Alright look, I’ll say this –
Boycotting is definitely better than doing nothing. Like,
it is definitely a step in the right direction.
However, I just wanna make it very clear,
this is not the same as voting.
Like I just wanna make that very clear, like,
there’s levels to it.
But
I think it’s a great excuse for, um...
me because I’m lazy. You know? And,
people will be like,
“Man you haven’t worked out in, like, weeks.” And I’m like,
“I can’t –
We gotta get Trump out of the White House–
Dude!
I am doing this for America!
I haven’t done cardio because I care.
Why are you getting ripped?”
It’s a— it’s an amazing excuse.
It’s the best.
You know, you know they also – the dude owns Blink too, right?
I messed up – I messed up some peoples’ day.
they’re like, “Aw no.”
What’s the – what’s the Blink tagline?
It’s like, “You’re great the way you are,” right?
It’s something like that, right?
How much is it?
It’s not ten bucks, for real?
It’s Planet Fitness?
Planet Fitness is like, “It’s five bucks.
You don’t even have to pay. Just come in,
do whatever you want, like…
as far – This is a public facility.”
I bet you we find out, like,
Bernie Sanders owns Planet Fitness.
He’s like, “This is for the 99 percent.”
You know when I first moved to New York I was,
I was Planet Fitness.
I was just like –
I was like, “Hey man I need, I need to use a gym.”
And then I, like, went in and they have pizza Tuesdays.
I’m like, “This isn’t right.”
This isn’t like –
I totally get the, the price point. But don’t give me –
“You want a slice?,” as I’m like, leaving.
Everyone has their line, right?
Of where we pick our, “Alright, this is where I boycott.”
Did you do the Chick-fil-a?
What?
I know! It’s hard, right?
But then I was thinking about this, right?
Say – say we all were like,
“Equinox, we’re not doing it. We’re out.”
But then what if all the Trump supporters get ripped?
Cause they already have all the guns.
Now they’re also jacked?
So, hear me out.
We gotta – what we gotta do is
we gotta start our own gym.
And I’m just gonna crowdsource everything, like,
“You got a tire?” Like, “Bring a tire.”
I’ll bring my dad’s NordicTrack.
I gotta Google this I’m like, “NordicTrack is that like,
a socialist thing? Or is it, like, owned by, like, a Nazi?”
I don’t know.
We gotta find out.
“When your daughter is eighteen,
what do you hope the major headlines of the day will be?
Or what topics would you hope to be covering on the show?”
Guys, what?
20– it’ll be 2036.
I’ll be 50.
I hope I’m not hosting the show. At that point
I’m gonna –
I’m gonna give it to Jaden Smith.
Jennie, we gotta just hand it to Jaden.
Is that – is that a good choice?
Give it to Jaden.
I’d love to see what he does.
I think he’ll like the screens.
Jaden, you like the screens.
What if I was still hosting?
I’d still be making SAT jokes.
People are like, “We get it.
It’s been 20 years, get over it.”
“What urban legend or conspiracy theory
do you actually believe in? Beside aliens.”
This is Jacob.
Alright, alright, let me just say this.
I’m gonna say this right now.
Toy Story is real.
It’s real, dude, it’s real.
I’ll – I’ll admit it.
Remember, like, when you were a kid–
I remember I was a kid when I first saw it and you know like
when you turn around and they, like, collapse?
That’s what they do.
And you can’t not prove it.
How do you know?
You don’t know.
Every time you walk away,
like the stuffed animals are breakdancing.
You turn around and they’re like:
“Where would your friends or family
be most surprised to find you?”
Why is that so funny?
At Equinox.
I’m on the elliptical. I’m wearing a MAGA hat.
Everyone’s like:
Kanye’s next to me on a NordicTrack.
It’s just like,
rips a hole through the space time continuum.
Where would you be? Where would you be
where your friends would be like, “What?!”
Library?
Oh, come on. Come on.
What do you think man? What do you think?
Where would your friends be like, “You’re there?!”
An F-1 track?
Alright that’s not –
I don’t even know what that means.
“What is untrue about your Wikipedia page?”
Alright.
Everything there is true you guys.
I wrote everything.
Nah man, you know what we need to do?
I don’t know if anyone here is a Wikipedia super user.
But –
I want you guys to get in there,
if you’re watching this or if you’re here.
Just let’s change some stuff about me.
Let’s think– I don’t know just think of something.
What could I –
What do you think would be like a
fun thing to make up in my...
I won the spelling bee?
You should totally do that.
Be like,
“In 1993 at Pioneer Elementary School,
Hasan Minhaj placed first in the spelling bee.”
No, it should –
there should also be something like, just stupid.
Like, “Hasan Minhaj loves Honey Bunches of Oats.”
It’s a good– it’s a great cereal.
Pound for pound, the greatest.
You had HB? You had some HB Double O?
What we talking about, blue box
or we talking about gold box?
Which one are we talking about?
You said, “Double blue box?”
Wait, you said the blue box, right?
It’s from Costco –
Oh, the giant one
where it’s, like, multiple bags.
Oh man.
And do – How many people do you live with?
Oh! Okay, okay.
If you lived solo and you had just the Costco–
I’d be like, “Alright, you’re really doing it.”
How fast do you guys go through it?
What?!
Damn.
That’s smart that you went to Costco.
You ever, like, try to get Honey Bunches of Oats at a bodega?
And they’re like, “$19, cash only.”
You’re like, “Cash only? What?”
What’s your favorite cereal of all time?
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
You can kinda tell what age people are
by like, you know, what cereal they like.
Like I have, like –
some of my friends that are, like,
ten years older than me are just like,
“Honey Nut Cheerios.”
And I’m like,
“Is this what my 40s is gonna be?”
I remember growing up and, like, loving, like, being, like,
cause all my favorite athletes were, like,
on the Wheaties box.
I’m like, “I gotta get Wheaties.”
And then you eat it and it’s the worst cereal ever made.
Ugh, Wheaties is gross.
How are they still making it?
“Will America destroy the world–”
What?!
“Before we make it to 2024?”
This is from Jennifer.
Hey.
Why so, why so dark?
Really, so what do you do to, like…
get out of that darkness?
Okay.
Sometimes you eat kale?
That makes you happy?
You think we’re gonna make it to 2024?
We gotta make it, we have to.
You wanna know why?
It’s the Summer Olympics.
Don’t you love the Summer Olympics?
They’re great.
You know what I love?
Gymnastics is yours?
I love gymnastics too, yeah.
Yeah.
What’s great about the Summer Olympics is
you don’t have to be
super hardcore about any of the sports.
Right, like, everybody kinda doesn’t know anything
about swimming. But you’re like, “Yeah that’s the –
They’re doing it right!”
Do we know anything–
do I know anything about pole vault?
Nothing!
But like,
it’s also cool to just, like,
at six o’clock in the morning you’re just watching sports.
I don’t know, it’s, like, a cool –
We gotta make it to 2024.
Summer Olympics is the way to go.
Don’t you love the Summer Olympics?
It’s, you know– swimming is yours?
You know what’s cool about it, Eddie?
It’s the one place where nationalism is fine.
You know what I mean?
You could be like, “Russia!,” And you’re like, “Cool.”
“America!”
You’re like, “Fine.”
Remove that and you’re like, “Amer–”
and you’re like, “Alright, alright man.”
“Alright, we get it we get it.”
You know what we need to do?
Just to like –
because it brings the world together.
And we can get out all of that, like,
nationalistic anger into sports, which is great.
So it’s, like, meaningful but it means nothing.
But they’re, like, standing and they’re like,
“I’m better than you,” and you’re like,
“This is curling, what does it…?”
But it does matter – but it doesn’t.
That’s what I love about sports.
We just need to do it every year.
Every year.
Summer Olympics every year.
And,
we gotta do what the NBA did.
You know how everyone’s, like, just trading players?
it’s like, “Ryan Lochte’s playing for Russia.”
We’re like, “What?! This is, oh shit we gotta watch,” right?
And it’s just that. That’s our Cold War. That’s it.
One year,
then they trade Ryan to China.
And we’re like, “Aw it’s gettin’– it’s gettin’ interesting.”
No war, that’s how the –
You do the, you do the wars that way.
Like these two countries are beefing?
You guys–
hurdles. Go!
Right?
And you’re like, “Alright.”
“What are your thoughts on the fish tube?”
Okay, that was good.
This is from Emily and Julia.
Uh,
okay, do you guys know what the fish tube is?
Alright, so basically –
Eddie you know what the fish tube is?
Okay.
It sends the fish upstream so they can spawn.
Which is kinda like,
it’s going over, like, these dams and they gotta get–
they gotta get to the action.
They gotta get busy.
It’s the express train to fish pleasure.
I know we’re talking about public transit,
like, it’s their new public transit.
Now I don’t know if the fish are getting hurt, but
it looks like this, like, zip line, like the shoot thing.
They put them– and then they just pop out on the other side.
I feel like the fish tube should replace the F train.
Just like put me in the fish tube get me there.
Can you imagine– but Eddie, can you imagine this?
No, but imagine.
Imagine just for a second. Eddie, imagine.
We’re both – we’re married, right?
Say your wife calls you
and she’s like, “Be home
in 30 minutes.
Eddie, you know why.”
And you’re like, “Let me get to the fish tube.
I’ll be there in ten.”
Wouldn’t that be awesome?
You would ride the…