- I do a lot of gardening, but you are without a doubt,
the dirtiest used up hoe I have ever seen.
- All these rappers on stage
and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
(upbeat music)
- Aw, Natasha Leggero.
This was my first time seeing you perform.
You were really great, even though you didn't
shoot out a single ping pong ball, like Snoop promised.
(audience laughs)
- Justin Bieber, everybody!
Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube.
Time flies when you're a piece of shit.
Justin, you've been on "Ellen" more
than a pussy juice mustache.
(audience laughs)
Mine was better, Ludacris.
Justin was born to a teenage single mom.
No wonder he's got moves.
He was in the womb dodging a coat hanger.
Justin, Selena Gomez had to (beep) you.
She is literally the least lucky Selena
in all of entertainment history.
(audience laughs)
No, Justin, you're so successful.
You're so rich.
You're like our Beatles.
Not the band, the bugs that live in shit.
So Justin, I just wanna tell you,
I think that you are well on your way
to becoming a handsome young gentleman
and I really think that
things are gonna get better after this for you.
And thank you for,
thank you for letting me be here and do this.
Thank you, Justin Bieber.
- Natasha Leggero is here.
She's basically a complete unknown,
but tonight, we're getting paid the same amount of money.
Ugh. Got you.
Well, guess what, Natasha, you can do everything I can do,
but I can never experience the miracle of birthing a child.
Roasted you. Roast a far eye.
Like a reggae guy.
- Andy Samberg. Hi, how are you?
Andy's comedy group is called The Lonely Island,
which is how each of his teeth feel.
Andy, I'm looking forward to the sad acoustic version
of "Dick In a Box" at Lorne Michaels' open casket funeral.
- Jesus.
(group laughing)
- Jesus. - Natasha Leggero, everybody.
I love Natasha so much.
This is Natasha's first roast, you guys.
She's like a little Chihuahua,
'cause she's teeny tiny and she's feisty
and she's filled with Mexican DNA.
Just to be clear, when I say filled with Mexican DNA,
I mean she's filled with the come of Mexican people.
Like from tons of Mexican gentlemen
coming inside her vast vagina
and also from her guzzling come.
I just didn't want there to be a misunderstanding.
- Sarah Silverman's had more ugly men inside her
than Comic-Con.
- Aziz, Natasha, Nick Kroll.
I'm assuming you guys are James's friends from high school,
but I think that is so dope that you guys are willing
to get up here even though no one knows
who the fuck you guys are.
- Jonah Hill,
I loved you as a baseball analyst in "Moneyball,"
and I love you as Rosie O'Donnell in real life.
(audience laughs)
Jonah was born and raised in Hollywood, and you can tell!
He's a name dropper with big tits and an eating disorder.
(audience laughs)
- Natasha Leggero is here. (audience cheers)
And yes, Natasha, sometimes in my set, I do yell,
and so would you if you toured for more than tens of people.
- Yeah! - But Natasha had
a fantastic set.
Yeah, that was so funny.
It's a shame she didn't say her jokes
eight times slower though, so people actually had a chance
to catch 'em when they fast forward her on their DVR.
This is my impression of Natasha's set
as it will be seen on most television sets.
Ladies and gentlemen, Natasha Leggero.
(speaking in gibberish)
Thank you so much, James.
- The room is buzzing tonight
and not just from the flies around Aziz's relatives.
(audience laughs)
Kim Kardashian is here.
Oh, that's Aziz, sorry.
I get 'em confused.
They're both brown narcissists riding Kanye's dick.
(audience cheers)
No, Aziz is only in show business
because he's too ugly to be a genie.
My third wish, Aziz,
is that you stop screaming your punchlines.
I saw your special.
If I wanted to get yelled at by a humorless Indian,
I'd read a magazine at 7-Eleven.
No, they love Aziz in India.
He was recently awarded India's highest honor, soap.
- I taught Snoop that the most important thing
in business is diversification.
Besides his music career, Snoop now has produced
a porn movie.
And by the way, Natasha, you were great in that.
So I guess that tonight's the second time you've worked
with five Black guys.
You know, I do a lot of gardening,
but you are without a doubt,
the dirtiest used up hoe I have ever seen.
- All these rappers on stage
and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Yeah, that's not fair.
- Now, this little bitty, fine little
Natasha Leggero.
Is that how you say it? Leggero?
- No, but that's okay. - Leggeto,
that's how we say it.
I seen how you was looking at me though, right?
What I want to know is have you ever sucked
a Black (beep) before?
Hey, I'm going off script right now.
I just really want know.
Hey. (audience cheers)
Hey, something about this pimping, man,
you understand me, when I'm pimping, man,
that shit just go every direction.
- I'm excited Snoop's here.
Snoop you look like Shaq's skeleton.
(audience laughs)
Kevin, you are everywhere.
You know, Kevin's actually gonna be
on the next season of "Game of Thrones."
He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Kevin does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair.
He climbs out of his own bathtub.
He goes up on his wife.
When I first met Hannibal, I was like,
"You are going to be a star."
And when I first met Kevin, I was like,
"No, I don't wanna buy a candy bar
to support your local after school program."
James Franco. (audience cheers)
Acting, teaching, directing, writing,
producing, photography, soundtracks, editing.
Is there anything you can do?
No, at first I wasn't sure why James would do this roast.
And then I saw "Spring Breakers"
and I was like, "Oh, he'll do anything."
James has a new reality show coming
out on the Ovation Network, wow.
Finally, something so awful
that even TLC was like, "Nah, we're good."
James, you're hard to roast.
I mean you're so dreamy.
I mean something about you, I just wanna please you.
I just wanna take you you back to my hotel room,
take off all your clothes, and let a man fuck you.
No, I'll fuck you, James.
I just wanna put a bag over your career choices.
Bill Hader, you are this generation's Phil Hartman.
Hopefully.
Nick Kroll!
Nick, your fan must be so excited you're here!
No, Nick, I love "Kroll Show."
You are amazing at characters.
You're like a chameleon
in that you have hideous skin and bulging eyes.
(audience laughs)
You know, a lot of people don't know this.
Shaquille is an Arabic name for handsome
and O'Neal is the Irish word for just kidding.
(audience laughs)
Shaq's dick is so big, he has to use Dropbox
to send a dick pic.
(upbeat music)